Scary Stories for Starlets and Celebutantes

The Camera That Added 10 Pounds

The Daddy Who Ran Out of Money

The Doughnut That Wouldn't Come Back Up

The Day No One Paid Attention

The Conservative Panties

The Gift Certificate to Walmart

The Bridesmaids Wore J.C. Penny

The Hairdresser Who Wasn't Gay

The Curse of the Undead Pimple

The Clever Pharmacist

Courtney Love is a useless fucking sellout.

In April of 2006, Courtney Love announced that she sold the publishing rights to 25% of her share of the Nirvana catalogue to Primary Wave Publishing to help pay her mounting legal debts. In a statement, Love assured Nirvana fans that "We are going to remain very tasteful and true to the spirit of Nirvana while taking the music to places it has never been before."

In February, 2007, a commercial for a baseball video game began to air featuring the Nirvana song "Breed." The song has been licensed to appear in the game as well.

"Breed" is the fourth track on Nirvana's breakthrough album Nevermind, following the radio and MTV hits "Smells Like Teen Spirit," "In Bloom," and "Come As You Are." I always thought of "Breed" as the part of the album where casual Nirvana fans stopped listening, and where the good stuff really started. (Not taking into account their first album Bleach, which is excellent in its own right.)

Remember how upset everyone was (Ms. Love included, I'm sure) when John Lennon's music popped up in a Nike commercial? This is the same god damn thing.

Fuck you, Courtney Love.

You don't sell ownership of something that is so special to so many people, not to mention something that is a thousand times better than anything you could ever hope to produce, just because you are a junkie whore fuck-up. Sell the rights to your own music. Try recording more of your own music. Start giving out handjobs in the bus stop bathroom for all I care. Just don't go pissing away what you had no earthly right to own in the first place!

Courtney, I sincerely hope that this comes back to bite you in the ass and that the backlash will destroy any credibility you could ever have hoped to salvage from your stumbling career. I look forward to the day they find you dead in an alley, suffocated on your own vomit.

Famous Metal bands, had Metal been invented in Victorian England

Lads of Ill Intent

Death Buggy

Jack and the Rippers

Palmerstonica

Black Frock

Dapper Crue

Fop Brigade

Bloody Aristocracy

Buggered Corpse

Happy birthday to me, indeed.

With friends like these, who needs enemies?


*Update - Apparently I was too drunk to remember this, but I found out later that some of the bruising was inflicted by Rain Pryor.

I'd say that being punched by someone relatively famous and not being able to remember it makes for a pretty special birthday. Next year my goal is to be curb stomped by John Stamos, I hope someone brings a camera.

Happy Birthday George Washington! (And Me!)

Today marks the birthday of our Nation's Father, as well as my own. I have noticed a number of startling similarities between my life and the first President's, the following is a list of some of the more compelling.

• We were both born in Virginia.
• George lived in Mt. Vernon, I currently live in the Mt. Vernon neighborhood of Baltimore.
• We are both rumored to have wooden body parts. (For the sake of modesty, I will not reveal mine.)
• George successfully lead a sneak attack on the British by crossing the Delaware River in the dead of night. I once tricked a British foreign exchange student chick into making out with me by feigning despair because my brother drowned in a river on the anniversary of that particular day.
• George was an active member of the Freemasons. I once read an article about the Freemasons on Wikipedia.
• We both look particularly striking in red.
• George commanded troops to quell the "Whiskey Revolution." After a few shots of whiskey, I command the high score on "Dance Dance Revolution."
• We can both tell the difference between Coke and Pepsi. At least, I'm pretty sure that George could have if Coke and Pepsi were around back then.
• George was a meat and potatoes man. I like potatoes ok, but yeah, the meat is where its at.
• George named his favorite horse "Spirit." I've been thinking about getting a cat and naming it "Robocop."
• George's legacy is still lauded more than 200 years after his death. 200 years after my death, I believe that people will still remember "the guy who pissed off the Xrgonk race of the Ursa Minor system and sparked a devastating galactic war."

There are many, many, other similarities between myself and George Washington. While I in no way claim to be in the same league of greatness as he, I try to live my life under the philosophy "What would George do?" I even have "WWGD" tattooed on my knee, in case I lose my way.

To the makers of God of War:

I would like to discuss, if I may, those rotating pillar things with the knives in the Hades level.

You think that shit was funny?!?

Words cannot express my burgeoning rage as Kratos fell to the ground time and time again whenever he would so much as brush a toe against one of the blades. After a game chock full of excellence, you go and pull that cheap ass shit right near the end!!! It took me forever to get past that damn part, and then I made Ares my bitch.

So yeah, I beat the game, and I will probably buy the sequel when it comes out. Be warned though: I did not appreciate those pillars one little bit, and I can be quite influential amongst my army of three readers. Watch it.

-End nerd rant.

Celebrity Urban Legends

Rod Stewart once had to be rushed to the hospital to have more than two gallons of Sea Monkeys pumped out of his stomach.

Rosie O'Donnell is the Universe's only known method of destroying matter.

Lindsay Lohan knows how to cure cancer, but she won't reveal it until everyone stops being mean.

The "Baldwin Gene" allows its brood to reproduce asexually.

Jamie Foxx is equal parts man and machine.

Eddie Murphy signed a deal with the devil, but neglected to read the fine print.

Paris Hilton can only be harmed by copper.

As an infant, Courtney Love was discovered on a doorstep wrapped in a blanket woven from the souls of the damned.

George Clooney knows the telephone number of everyone's sister in the world, just in case.

If you stare into a mirror and say Denzel Washington's name seven times, he will instantly appear and whup your monkey ass.

From the people who brought you the Special Olympics

Here at the Special Olympics, we constantly strive to further the cause of understanding and celebrating those who are differently-abled. In the spirit of this noble goal, we are extremely pleased to announce the creation of all new venues for disabled athletes to excel in:

The Special Indianapolis 500

The Special Super Bowl

The Special Ice Capades

The Special Kentucky Derby

The Special Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show

The Special Iron Chef

The Special Dancing With the Stars

And of course, soon to be a smash hit, Special American Idol!

Don't hesitate to seek out these wonderful events and support those brave individuals who don't let disability get in the way of being everything that they can be!

An open letter to the aliens who abducted Sammy Farnsworth instead of me:

Dearest Ambassadors of the Stars,

I, Norman Fitz, UFO Enthusiast, must express my deep sense of bewilderment and disappointment over the fact that you chose to abduct my neighbor and most bitter scientific rival, Sammy Farnsworth, instead of me.
Why a species so obviously advanced and superior to our own in every way would want some mouth breather who spits when he talks and sits when he pees is beyond me. He hasn't even had a letter published in Asimov's Science Fiction Magazine!
As the founding member of H.A.I.R. (Humans for the Advancement of Intergalactic Relations), I feel that I am more than qualified to act as the perfect liaison between our cultures. My theoretic Universal Translator device won an Honorable Mention at the science fair just last year! Sammy Farnsworth's ridiculous "Worm Hole Creator" didn't even place.
I have devoted my life to the study of UFO and otherworldly phenomena. Surely your advanced instruments have seen me gazing longingly at the stars each night, crying out for you to come and make contact!
There are some who suggest that Sammy Farnsworth made up the whole abduction story just to get attention and make me jealous. While I scoff at Mr. Farnsworth's so called "qualifications" in the field of paranormal research, I know even he would not stoop so low as to make false abduction claims that could potentially damage the credibility of our shared passion.
So I plead with you, dear friends from above, please do what's right and take me away into your no doubt beautiful spacecraft. I can teach you the ways of man, and if you need to probe me, I will gladly offer any orifice in the name of science and discovery.

Until then I remain your humble admirer,

Norman Fitz

I am the Father of Anna Nicole Smith's baby.

All right, you can stop all of this silly paternity test nonsense right now. I, your Creator and Lord, am the true father of little Dannielynn.
Its time I gave this whole "savior" thing another shot, seeing as how you lot screwed it up so bad the first time. Since everyone made such a big fuss about the whole virgin thing, I decided to go the opposite route and chose Anna Nicole Smith to bear my seed.
As your one true savior, Dannielynn will not bother with sermons and speeches. We all saw how that worked out before. My Daughter will earn the love and praise of you morons by winning American Idol and starring in her own reality show. Before long her message of peace and love will be accepted throughout the world, and there will be no need to nail anyone to anything.
My Son has not taken this well, to say the least. All day long I hear "But I'm supposed to come baaaaack! People are waiting for meee!" If you ask me, he's just resentful of not being the only child anymore. Jesus is too out of style to command the love and respect he once enjoyed. I needed someone with star power, someone who pops!
So continue on with your petty squabbles over fortunes and mansions. Just know that I, the Lord God, will be very disappointed if it doesn't work out this time.

Oh, and keep an eye on that Suri Cruise kid. She's the odds-on favorite to be the Anti-Christ in our office pool.

Happy Valentines Day Cancer!

My Dear Cancer,

It seemed that I hardly even knew you before you spread into my heart. Now we are soul mates, together forever, inseparable.
I still remember the first time I saw you. There you were on the CAT Scan, already so much a part of me. The doctor's stern face could not dampen my enthusiasm, you were so beautiful! They warned me that you would be the death of me but I turned a deaf ear to their sour grapes. For they did not understand the special bond we shared, the relationship that continues to enrich our lives every day.
No one else would have me now that my hair has all fallen out, but you, dearest cancer, are not concerned with such superficial matters. Though I may be bedridden and weak you continue to grow inside of me and fill me with the love that only a true partner could provide.
Though the doctors say that this will be our last Valentines Day together, I couldn't be happier. If I am to die then I go to my grave knowing that I have experienced the kind of true love that so few people are ever blessed with.

That true love is you, cancer.

Get laid the Sal Stevenson way!

Heya fellas, your old friend Sal here, and I'm about to give you the greatest gift a man could ever receive. I've heard your cries for help, I've felt your pain, and now I will finally pass on my bullet-proof method of pinching minge without even trying.

Now I know some of you may be skeptical that a guy like me can be swimming in beaver 24/7, but let me assure you: I've gotten more tail since my 50th birthday than you would have gotten your entire life without my time-tested rules. So read on young bucks, and become the master of the muff you always knew you could be.

Rule # 1 - Always Be Creepy!

Its as easy to remember as A-B-C. Females like to know what they are dealing with right from the get-go. If you present yourself as a decent, polite young man and then after a couple of drinks ask if you can smell her shoes out of nowhere, she will feel betrayed by your false front and her legs will close like a steel trap. Portray yourself earnestly right from the start and you will never have to worry about the reaction to your little third act reveal. Who knows, the first chick you ask if she's ever fantasized about doing a dog might just be into that kind of thing.

Rule # 2 - Know Your Limits!

Yes, the blond in the corner with the amazing rack would make for a fantastic end to the evening. But which is more realistic, that gorgeous goddess or the skank with the prosthetic leg passed out in the men's bathroom? Beggars can't be choosy and true snatch artists have no such thing as standards. As the old saying goes, they all look the same in the dark. Do exercise some discretion though, they certainly don't all smell the same in the dark.

Rule # 3 - Morals are for Suckers!

Some broad boo-hoo-hooing into her third Sea Breeze because she found out her fiancee has been cheating on her? Cuts on the arms because daddy touched her when she was 13? Fresh puke on the breath from her most recent purge? Some people call that vulnerable. I call it open for business. With practice your honing skills will be finely tuned to spot the easiest target in the joint. And don't be afraid to make up a good sob story of your own. Hell, I once used a wheelchair to get some action. Boy, was she surprised when I hopped out of bed after giving her the old one-two!

Rule # 4 - Chicks Dig Men in Uniform!

Sure, its illegal to impersonate a cop, but everything else is fair game. Creativity leads to credibility. Go off the beaten path and put together something you don't see everyday. Nuclear sub captain? Sushi chef? Theme park mascot? The options are limitless! And of course, there are the classics. A well done fireman's outfit with a few good stories to back it up is guaranteed to start a four-alarm fire in her panties!

Rule # 5 - Fat Chicks are a Gold Mine

This could be considered part of Rule # 2, but in my experience the big girls warrant their own special mention. They're jolly, they're sassy, and they're always game. Zone in on the fatty in any group of girls and she'll feel like the belle of the ball. Soon after that she'll be the belle of your balls, guaranteed.

So there you have it boyos, old Sal's golden words of wisdom to keep you knee deep in poontang until the day you die. If for some reason the Sal Stevenson method doesn't work for you, remember: there is nothing wrong with a reasonably priced hooker.

Happy hunting,

Sal

Famous Quotes: Abraham Lincoln

"A woman is the only thing I am afraid of that I know will not hurt me. Oh, that and clowns. They freak me right the fuck out."

"Always bear in mind that your own resolution to spread your seed is more important than any other."

"Am I not destroying my enemies when I make friends of their sister?"

"America will never be destroyed from the outside. If we falter and lose our freedoms, it will be because we let in the Irish."

"In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the number of kittens you ate."

"As I would not be a slave, so I would not be a master. This expresses my idea of democracy. Except in the bedroom, then it really depends on my mood."

"Avoid popularity if you would have a really sweet baseball card collection."

"Common looking people are the best in the world: that is the reason the Lord makes so many fat chicks."

"For those who like this sort of thing, this is the sort of thing they like. Let's see that fag Oscar Wilde top that one!"

Even more of the things I have to put up with

Another wonderfully open minded and not at all retarded email forward I received at work:

******************************************************************************

Good for him!!!
Surprised CBS let him get away with this even though he's right
AMEN ANDY ROONEY !


Andy Rooney said on "60 Minutes" a few weeks back:
I don't think being a minority makes you a victim of anything except numbers. The only things I can think of that are truly discriminatory are things like the United Negro College Fund, Jet Magazine, Black Entertainment Television, and Miss Black America. Try to have things like the UnitedCaucasianCollege Fund, Cloud Magazine, White Entertainment Television, or Miss White America; and see what happens...Jesse Jackson will be knocking down your door.

Guns do not make you a killer. I think killing makes you a killer. You can kill someone with a baseball bat or a car, but no one is trying to ban you from driving to the ball game.

I believe they are called the Boy Scouts for a reason, that is why there are no girls allowed. Girls belong in the Girl Scouts! ARE YOU LISTENING MARTHA BURKE?

I think that if you feel homosexuality is wrong, it is not a phobia, it is an opinion.

I have the right "NOT" to be tolerant of others because they are different, weird, or tick me off.

When 70% of the people who get arrested are black, in cities where 70% of the population is black, that is not racial profiling, it is the Law of Probability.

I believe that if you are selling me a milkshake, a pack of cigarettes, a newspaper or a hotel room, you must do it in English! As a matter of fact, if you want to be an American citizen, you should have to speak English!

My father and grandfather didn't die in vain so you can leave the countries you were born in to come over and disrespect ours.

I think the police should have every right to shoot your sorry ass if you threaten them after they tell you to stop. If you can't understand the word "freeze" or "stop" in English, see the above lines.

I don't think just because you were not born in this country, you are qualified for any special loan programs, government sponsored bank loans or tax breaks, etc., so you can open a hotel, coffee shop, trinket store, or any other business.

We did not go to the aid of certain foreign countries and risk our lives in wars to defend their freedoms, so that decades later they could come over here and tell us our constitution is a living document; and open to their interpretations.

I don't hate the rich I don't pity the poor.

I know pro wrestling is fake, but so are movies and television. That doesn't stop you from watching them.

I think Bill Gates has every right to keep every penny he made and continue to make more. If it ticks you off, go and invent the next operating system that's better, and put your name on the building.

It doesn't take a whole village to raise a child right, but it does take a parent to stand up to the kid; and smack their little behinds when necessary, and say "NO!"

I think tattoos and piercing are fine if you want them, but please don't pretend they are a political statement. And, please, stay home until that new lip ring heals. I don't want to look at your ugly infected mouth as you serve me French fries!

I am sick of "Political Correctness." I know a lot of black people, and not a single one of them was born in Africa ; so how can they be "African-Americans"? Besides, Africa is a continent. I don't go around saying I am a European-American because my great, great, great, great, great, great grandfather was from Europe . I am proud to be from America and nowhere else
And if you don't like my point of view, tough...

I PLEDGE ALLEGIANCE TO THE FLAG, OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA , AND TO THE REPUBLIC, FOR WHICH IT STANDS, ONE NATION UNDER GOD, INDIVISIBLE, WITH LIBERTY AND JUSTICE FOR ALL!

I was asked to send this on if I agree or delete if I don't. It is said that 86% of Americans believe in God. Therefore I have a very hard time understanding why there is such a problem in having "In God We Trust" on our money and having "God" in the Pledge of Allegiance. Why don't we just tell the 14% to Shut Up and BE QUIET!!!

If you agree, pass this on, if not delete.

**************************************************************


Ok, now I'm used to the "They took errrrrrr jobs!" stuff, and the "If you aint a kin to Jesus then get outta errrrr country!" But the Boy Scouts? WTF? When was that ever an issue?

And Bill Gates? I've got nothing against the man, but in the interest of clarity, he didn't invent Windows, he stole it from Xerox.

I haven't bothered to check but I am confident that there is no way in hell that Andy Rooney said any of this on 60 Minutes. If he had he would be making a teary apology the next day and facing possible termination.

Gotta love how it ends with the Pledge though. I was so hoping there would be a gramatic error in it. Sigh.

Unused body parts? Sell 'em for CASH!

Don't be the last to take advantage of this amazing offer. Here at Bits4Cash, we pay good money for the one thing that everyone has plenty of - pieces of people!

Not using that other kidney? Sell it for CASH!
What has that spleen ever done for you? Sell it for CASH!
Lost a leg in the war? Sell it for CASH!
Toenail clippings? Sell them for CASH!
You can breathe fine with just one lung! Sell it for CASH!

We even accept parts that don't belong to you, as long as you provide written authorization from the original owner. Authorization requirement waived if original owner is deceased.

So what are you waiting for? Harvest those bits and pieces and sell them for CASH!

A message from Kinky, the time-traveling Praying Mantis

Yep, I've seen it all. I was there when Jesus was born. When Hitler shot himself. When Mrs. Finklestein burned the mashed potatoes. I've seen the fall of the Roman Empire, and the creation of the glorious Mzrplll'k Empire. Having seen the whole human drama unfold to its inevitable fiery end, I have some words of advice that just might make your future days a little brighter.
First, the Detroit Lions will never, ever, win the Superbowl. That bet with your buddy Jerry is just a waste of money.
Second, your future wife (here's a hint, her name rhymes with "Scabies") will not appreciate the Morgan Webb shrine in the den. Its best to let that go.
Finally, and most importantly, stay away from Gary, Indiana during the first week of July in 2012. I can't tell you what happens because it will spoil the surprise, but take my word for it, you want absolutely no part of it.
So take this advice and go forth unto a long and happy life, my friend. Oh, and when that crazy guy throws a bag of feces at George W. Bush on national television, look for the little green speck on his shoulder. I'll be waving!

Take the "Are you the shittiest supervisor ever?" quiz today!

1. At the first sign of trouble I will not hesitate to throw my underlings under the bus to distance myself away from any consequences.

True -1
False -0

2. My gender can only be moderately determined by my hair length.

True -1
False -0

3. I will come into work no matter what horrible disgusting disease I may have, regardless of how uncomfortable my rivers of mucous might make others.

True -1
False -0

4. I'm so scared to make waves or to have anyone notice me that I will cower at any suggestion that might change things from how they've always been done, no matter how much more efficient said suggestion may be.

True -1
False -0

5. The only thing in the world I know how to talk about is the weather.

True -1
False -0

Results:

1-5: Congratulations! You suck!
0: You have yet to personally offend me.

(Bad day at work, obviously)

Uggggg

I am so glad I took the day off work today. I can barely see straight because last night ended in shots of Rumplemintz for no discernible reason, and its cold enough outside to make one an instant eunuch. The Superbowl was surprisingly entertaining, some quick thoughts:

I agree with the rest of the internet, that Cirque De Soleil pregame show was the gayest thing I've ever seen.

Prince seemed kinda badass, oddly enough.

Rex Grossman, you are comedy gold. For god's sake don't go back to Chicago anytime soon, they'll kill you!

A message from Punxsutawney Gary

Oh whoopdee dee, here we go again. Another Groundhog Day and another chance for my jackass brother Phil to hog the spotlight. Just once I'd like to see my name in the newspaper headline as I sentence you humans to six weeks of agony through a sustained bitter winter, or mercifully grant you an early taste of spring's warm loving embrace. But no, its always Phil to be the first one out the door and into the waiting arms of celebrity. Did you know that mother fucker set my alarm clock ahead an hour last year just so he could make sure that I didn't beat him to it? Of course you didn't, they don't report that kind of thing in your USA Today.
This year is going to be different though. I've been up all night thanks to 16 cans of Red Bull while Phil snores away in his side of the burrow. Sure, my vision has gotten all blurry and my bowel movements are now on the unpredictable side, but this is one year that he can't possibly beat me. When that fat ass in the stupid hat lifts me up in front of all of you cheering morons, you will gaze upon my furry form and tremble in awe at the majesty of Punxsutawney Gary. My decree will be set as nature's law and you will have no choice but to abide my will!
Oh this is going to be great, I can almost hear it now! Wait, what the fuck is all that cheering? Phil? PHIL?!? Son of a bitch!!!!!!!
I'll get you next year you bastard.

People of Boston: You are retarded

What's next? A tactical SWAT strike on some kids building a snowman? Call Homeland Security, there's a plastic bag blowing down the street! Uh oh, that window wasn't open yesterday, everybody duck and cover! I think that graffiti says "Da Bomb," Orange Alert! Orange Alert! Oh noes! A car with out of state plates! Somebody call Jack Bauer!

And so on.