A message from Punxsutawney Gary

Oh whoopdee dee, here we go again. Another Groundhog Day and another chance for my jackass brother Phil to hog the spotlight. Just once I'd like to see my name in the newspaper headline as I sentence you humans to six weeks of agony through a sustained bitter winter, or mercifully grant you an early taste of spring's warm loving embrace. But no, its always Phil to be the first one out the door and into the waiting arms of celebrity. Did you know that mother fucker set my alarm clock ahead an hour last year just so he could make sure that I didn't beat him to it? Of course you didn't, they don't report that kind of thing in your USA Today.
This year is going to be different though. I've been up all night thanks to 16 cans of Red Bull while Phil snores away in his side of the burrow. Sure, my vision has gotten all blurry and my bowel movements are now on the unpredictable side, but this is one year that he can't possibly beat me. When that fat ass in the stupid hat lifts me up in front of all of you cheering morons, you will gaze upon my furry form and tremble in awe at the majesty of Punxsutawney Gary. My decree will be set as nature's law and you will have no choice but to abide my will!
Oh this is going to be great, I can almost hear it now! Wait, what the fuck is all that cheering? Phil? PHIL?!? Son of a bitch!!!!!!!
I'll get you next year you bastard.