Lindsay Lohan Rehab Sessions: Day 1

Dr. Reynolds: Ok Ms. Lohan, welcome to the Wonderland rehabilitation facility, I'm going to start off with some questions to determine the severity of your problem.

Lindsay Lohan: Its time I started to act raponsable for my career and for my health, Dr. Robert.

DR: Its Dr. Reynolds, Lindsay, and I'm glad you took this step. First I need to take your picture for our file.

LL: (Spreading legs) Here ya go.

DR: Ms. Lohan! That is highly inappropriate!

LL: Do you want me to change into one of my bikinis? I brought 23 of them.

DR: No, Ms. Lohan, this should do fine. (Takes picture) Ok now, first question, do you ever drink alone?

LL: Nope! My best friend Tom Spankles is always with me.

DR: Hmm, possible enabler. Where does your friend Tom live?

LL: At my house!

DR: I see. Would it be possible for me to meet Mr. Spankles?

LL: (Giggling) He's right behind you silly!

DR: Lindsay, there is no one in this room except you and I.

LL: You can't see him cuz he's invisible!

DR: I......see. And you say he's with you all the time?

LL: Oh yeah, me and Tom have all sorts of fun together. He gets me in trouble sometimes. Like when I was late to work for my movie, it was because that naughty old Tom hid my sunglasses.

DR: (Scribbling furiously on chart) All right then, moving on. Do you ever feel like you need a drink to help you fall asleep?

LL: Nope, that's what my red pills are for.

DR: And what pills are those?

LL: I forget what their name is. I have the red ones to go nighty-night, the blue ones for wake up, and the pink ones for when I'm sad.

DR: We will have to confiscate those while you're here Ms. Lohan.

LL: (Makes obviously fake phone ringing sound with mouth) Hold on, I have a call. (Retrieves cell phone from handbag) Hello? Hi Paris! Yeah I'm in rehab! I know, its so cool. I'm being reponsable.

DR: Ms. Lohan....

LL: I'm talking to Captain Robert right now. He is kinda hot! He looks like James Franco, you know, but like his dad or something.

DR: Ms. Lohan please....

LL: I gotta go. I can't wait to come party with you again! (Lowers voice) Uh oh, I probably shouldn't have said that. I'm in R-E-E-H-A-A-B. Bye bye Paris!

DR: I'm going to have to ask you to give me your handbag.

LL: Do you know what a monkey says? EEK EEK EEK!

DR: That's very good Ms. Lohan. Your bag please?

LL: Do you have a girlfriend Doctor Franco? I don't have a boyfriend right now.

DR: Ok Ms. Lohan, I think that's enough for today. I'm sending in a couple of gentlemen to escort you to your room.

LL: Are they hot?