Celebrity Urban Legends

Rod Stewart once had to be rushed to the hospital to have more than two gallons of Sea Monkeys pumped out of his stomach.

Rosie O'Donnell is the Universe's only known method of destroying matter.

Lindsay Lohan knows how to cure cancer, but she won't reveal it until everyone stops being mean.

The "Baldwin Gene" allows its brood to reproduce asexually.

Jamie Foxx is equal parts man and machine.

Eddie Murphy signed a deal with the devil, but neglected to read the fine print.

Paris Hilton can only be harmed by copper.

As an infant, Courtney Love was discovered on a doorstep wrapped in a blanket woven from the souls of the damned.

George Clooney knows the telephone number of everyone's sister in the world, just in case.

If you stare into a mirror and say Denzel Washington's name seven times, he will instantly appear and whup your monkey ass.

Lindsay Lohan Rehab Sessions: Day 1

Dr. Reynolds: Ok Ms. Lohan, welcome to the Wonderland rehabilitation facility, I'm going to start off with some questions to determine the severity of your problem.

Lindsay Lohan: Its time I started to act raponsable for my career and for my health, Dr. Robert.

DR: Its Dr. Reynolds, Lindsay, and I'm glad you took this step. First I need to take your picture for our file.

LL: (Spreading legs) Here ya go.

DR: Ms. Lohan! That is highly inappropriate!

LL: Do you want me to change into one of my bikinis? I brought 23 of them.

DR: No, Ms. Lohan, this should do fine. (Takes picture) Ok now, first question, do you ever drink alone?

LL: Nope! My best friend Tom Spankles is always with me.

DR: Hmm, possible enabler. Where does your friend Tom live?

LL: At my house!

DR: I see. Would it be possible for me to meet Mr. Spankles?

LL: (Giggling) He's right behind you silly!

DR: Lindsay, there is no one in this room except you and I.

LL: You can't see him cuz he's invisible!

DR: I......see. And you say he's with you all the time?

LL: Oh yeah, me and Tom have all sorts of fun together. He gets me in trouble sometimes. Like when I was late to work for my movie, it was because that naughty old Tom hid my sunglasses.

DR: (Scribbling furiously on chart) All right then, moving on. Do you ever feel like you need a drink to help you fall asleep?

LL: Nope, that's what my red pills are for.

DR: And what pills are those?

LL: I forget what their name is. I have the red ones to go nighty-night, the blue ones for wake up, and the pink ones for when I'm sad.

DR: We will have to confiscate those while you're here Ms. Lohan.

LL: (Makes obviously fake phone ringing sound with mouth) Hold on, I have a call. (Retrieves cell phone from handbag) Hello? Hi Paris! Yeah I'm in rehab! I know, its so cool. I'm being reponsable.

DR: Ms. Lohan....

LL: I'm talking to Captain Robert right now. He is kinda hot! He looks like James Franco, you know, but like his dad or something.

DR: Ms. Lohan please....

LL: I gotta go. I can't wait to come party with you again! (Lowers voice) Uh oh, I probably shouldn't have said that. I'm in R-E-E-H-A-A-B. Bye bye Paris!

DR: I'm going to have to ask you to give me your handbag.

LL: Do you know what a monkey says? EEK EEK EEK!

DR: That's very good Ms. Lohan. Your bag please?

LL: Do you have a girlfriend Doctor Franco? I don't have a boyfriend right now.

DR: Ok Ms. Lohan, I think that's enough for today. I'm sending in a couple of gentlemen to escort you to your room.

LL: Are they hot?