Floyd Mayweather, Jr., is a giant asshole

The HBO series that shows the behind the scenes of Floyd Mayweather, Jr., and Oscar De La Hoya as they train for their upcoming fight proves one thing conclusively: Mayweather is an insufferable douchebag.

Seriously, "Pretty Boy," nobody cares how much money you have. Flashing all of your cash around only succeeds in attracting the kind of people who want to take it. Either in the form of scum suckers like Don King or in the form of someone who would have no qualms about putting a bullet in your face and taking it.

Then, as if being a classless prick at every conceivable opportunity wasn't enough, you turn your back on your father, the man who left his regular fighter De La Hoya out of loyalty to you, and start training with your uncle, the man who got himself kicked out of your corner last year when he jumped in the ring and caused a near riot after Zab Juda hit you with the cheap low blow.

Compared to you, Floyd, Oscar De La Hoya looks like a saint. He is the epitome of class, which is why so many people adore him. He has done so much to give back, while you walk around insulting people and waving around hundred dollar bills. You may be undefeated and an excellent fighter, but I sincerely hope De La Hoya knocks you the fuck out.

That is all.

Great Words of Inspiration

"We may be out-manned, out-gunned, and out-flanked, but there is one thing we have that they don't. Chutzpa!"

"All right girls, let's show them what the Chattanooga Lady Butter Faces can do!"

"Just as beauty is in the eye of the beholder, obesity is in the capacity of the buffet."

"Remember Jesus loves you. Even when you're doing that shameful thing with the ferret."

"The path to enlightenment is full of rest stop men's rooms."

"You can have my Fleshlight when you pry it from my cold dead hands!"

"The true test of a man is not how much money he made. It's how many dead hookers he left in his wake."

"God never closes a door without pushing you out of a window."

Forgotten Village People Songs

It's More Fun in the Buns

Lets All Join the Swim Team

Everyone is the Same in the Dark

No Pain, No Gain

Girls Need Not Apply

Real Men Wear Leather

Rock Stars get real jobs, Pt. 2

Welcome to the hottest phone chat around. You are just seconds away from talking to one of our sexy singles who want to party. To speak to one of our lovely and dirty ladies, press one. To speak...

-BEEP-

Courtney Love: Yeah wharroo want huh?

Caller: Uh, hi. Heh, this is my first time doing this, I'm a little nervous. How do we start?

Courtney: Start wha? Who aroo callin a skank?

Caller: Excuse me? Um, how do you want to start the..you know...dirty talk?

Courtney: I gotcher dirty right here mister, whydonchoo get a whiff of my snatch?

Caller: Oh dear. Uh, ok, tell me about your snatch you dirty thing.

Courtney: Lishen you horse fucker, my hoo ha aint no concern of yours. You should....you're the horsh fucker here.

Caller: Listen, that's not really what I had...

Courtney: (Coughing violently into phone) Whoo, you ever cough up somethin black? Wuzzat mean?

Caller: That's disgusting! I'm not paying for this.

Courtney: Go on and run to yer momma you little bish. You can't handle a real woman like me. I gotta band, I'm the queen of rock and roll. You're jush.....you're jush......you got a smoke?

Caller: How can I....never mind, I'm hanging up.

Courtney: Wait don't go! I love you very mush. Would you buy my record? Ish on the indernets, I aint lettin those corprat ashholes control my art no more.

Caller: I'm sorry, I really must be going.

Courtney: Nooooooo, why don't yoooo liiiike meee? I'm jush a normal pershon trying to make my art. You can jush go and shit in your bed you closet fag! Getoutta my ear!

Caller: (Dial Tone)

Courtney: Yeah, whar you want now?

Lesser Known Care Bears

Uncomfortable Silence Bear

Frotteurism Bear

One in the Stink Bear

Smallpox Bear

Cutter Bear

Mommy Didn't Touch Me Enough Bear

Narcolepsy Bear

Stalker Bear

Pinkeye Bear

Why can't Scooby Doo have a Scooby Snack anytime he damn well pleases?

A thought occurred to me this morning: Although he's a dog, Scooby Doo is a fully sentient being capable of communicating with anyone else just as a person would. He's at least as smart (and maybe smarter) than his best friend Shaggy. Despite all of this, his "friends" use the lure of Scooby Snacks as either an impetus to get him to do something he would not normally do (such as go into a spooky old house) or as a reward for a job well done. While this treat dispersal technique is perfectly normal for any standard pet, it is far from normal for a partner of equal standing in a freelance mystery solving operation.

It can't be the lack of opposable thumbs, I've seen Scooby operate all manner of objects without the difficulty that one assumes would arise from missing those key digits. Is it simply because of Scooby's non-human status? I can't remember if Jabberjaw had a similar treat addiction, but if he did, it would be even more ridiculous. As a great white shark, he has a lot more weight to throw around when he wants something.

This treat dispersal frequency by personal whim makes the gang at Mystery, Inc. no more than common slave owners. I, for one, would love to hear Scooby say "Give me a Scooby Snack now, bitch!"

Maybe Scooby just has a really strong submissive streak. If that is the case, it would make Velma kind of a dominatrix. And that is pretty god damn hot.

Lost Causes

Save the Nazis!

Free the Hamburglar!

Recycle the Whales!

An Openly-Gay, Satanist President in 2008!

Be Nice to Whitey!

Vote for Manson!

Yes Fat Chicks!

End World Fugliness!

Pay No Attention to Jesus!

Can your family afford not to have vole insurance?

The numbers are in and they are staggering: each year an estimated 23 American households are caught unprepared for sudden vole attacks. These devastating attacks have torn apart families and cost taxpayers dozens if not hundreds of dollars.

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But don't take our word for it, what do some of our satisfied customers have to say?

"Those little bastards took my arm clean off at the elbow in about five seconds flat. United American Rodent Insurance Company not only paid for my extensive recovery and rehabilitation, they even covered my lost wages. And they bought me a shiny new hook!" - Robert Carney, Retired Fire Eater.

"We thought we would lose our home after a ravenous horde of voles ate half of one of the support posts on the deck. But thanks to United American Rodent Insurance Company, we were back to enjoying our backyard again in no time!" - Cindy Phelps, Cafeteria Worker

"We never would have been able to afford to bury Grandma after what they done to her, even though there weren't much left. United American Rodent Insurance Company provided a lovely funeral at no cost to us. Now Grandma is with God where the voles can't get her." - Buck "Skeeter" Nelson, Botanist

Put your trust in us and never worry about losing everything to the ever-increasing threat of a wild vole attack. United American Rodent Insurance Company: We do it because we care.

Future Lost Spoilers

Desmond starts having daily "visions" of Kate going to the bathroom.

Claire's baby is Jack's father.

Juliette manages to impregnate Sawyer, fulfilling his most precious and secret wish.

Hurley opens a beachfront fried boar joint, only to lose it in a freak tidal wave/meteor shower/monster truck accident.

Locke accidentally destroys the second island when he pushes the button labeled "SELF DESTRUCT DO NOT PUSH DANGER DANGER DANGER!!!" just to see what would happen.

The Smoke Monster is really just a playful pup that doesn't know its own strength. After patient obedience training it soon becomes a beloved member of the group.

Charlie gets eaten by a half-man half-shark. The half-man part is Jack's father. (Thanks JB!)

Jack reveals that his true plan all along was just to get Kate and Juliette into a threesome.

The Others turn out to be nothing more than an elaborate network of agents formed to sell timeshares.

Michael and Walt return guns blazing with the fighting men and women of the 105th, under the command of Jack's father.

Ben is actually little Timmy Jenkins, age 8. The whole series turns out to be in Timmy's imagination as he plays in the back yard.

Yearbook messages at Professor Xavier's School for Gifted Youngsters

"Have a great summer, see you next crossover event!"

"After I go back in time and kill Magneto, thereby changing everything we know in dramatic and unpredictable ways, I hope we're still friends. You know, if you still exist and all."

"Eww, isn't Professor McCoy creepy? I can't believe he asked you if your favorite color was blue! TTYL!"

"Sorry about your hair. It will grow back, I promise!"

"Sorry about your legs. My dad is going to build you some new ones, I promise!"

"Mutant genes brought us together, my telekinesis will make sure that we are never apart."

"It was totally awesome that time you touched Rogue's boob. After you got out of the hospital, of course."

" 2 Cool
2 Be
In the Fantastic 4"

Blech

I'm under the weather today and not feeling the funny. So here is a picture of a ferret with bunny ears. Enjoy.

Rejected Advertising Slogans

"Chuck E. Cheese's, where a kid can stick it to the man."

"Don't trust Whitey, trust Starbucks."

"Little. Yellow. Different. Jiffy Lube."

"Saturn: C'moooooooon, please? I'll be your friend."

"Oh, you don't use a Mac? How...quaint."

"McDonald's: Make love to it."

"I don't wear anything without Tampax."

"Gold Bond's Medicated Powder: You can use it on your willie too."

"Don't be a queer, use Brawny."

"Mr. Clean is there when your husband isn't."

Girl bands inspired by the Pussycat Dolls

The Labia Sisters

Whores D'oeuvres

The CuntyLips Twins

Good Harlot

The Nappy Headed Hos

United Colors of Gettin' It On

The Easy Riders

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Infamous Radio Gaffes

Although the controversy surrounding Don Imus' "Nappy Headed Hos" comment continues to boil, this is not the first time a radio personality has found themselves under fire for off-color comments made on the air. The following are some of the more memorable screwups in radio history.

August 12, 1897 - Thaddeus "Wolfman" Cornwall, America's first telegraph shock jock, is sentenced to 20 lashes in the town square after crudely remarking upon First Lady Ida Saxton McKinley's petticoats.

January 4, 1933 - Popular newsreader John Templeton creates an uproar when he refers to the Irish as "decent folk."

April 3, 1946 - During the weekly teleplay "Nazi Hunters in the 24th Century!" announcer Don Donaldson ruins his career when he introduces leading man Chet Hawkins as "the son of a wh0re who stole my livelihood."

November 20, 1958 - Well respected socialite Janey Willows is blacklisted and permanently shunned from high society after she inadvertently outs herself as a Communist sympathizer during a broadcast of the popular quiz show "What's the Answer?"

February 1, 1972 - During a national radio address, President Richard Nixon comes under scrutiny for reading the name, home address, medical history, and s3xual orientation of every person on his enemies list.

June 4, 1996 - Shock Jock Howard Stern deeply offends many when he calls a travel agency to inquire about plane tickets to Prussia, despite the fact that the country had not been in existence for over 60 years. The FCC fines Stern $200,000.00 for the insensitive gag.

May 9, 2002 - Jokesters Opie and Anthony are nearly fired after their "S0domy and Slurpees" stunt, in which they encouraged gay couples to commit the carnal act inside public convenience stores.

The most obvious AP news quote of the day

"Grindhouse" played to big crowds on the East and West coasts but failed to click with audiences in the Midwest and South, Weinstein said.

Well........duh.

In all seriousness though, Grindhouse was a hell of a good time. I saw it at the Senator Theater in Baltimore on Saturday and the fairly sizable crowd was hootin' and hollerin' all through the flick (definitely in a good way). The fake trailers really went over big, and they were all great. Sheri Moon Zombie's godawful delivery of that one line in the "Werewolf Women of the SS" trailer was comedy gold. And apparently, I was the only one in the whole theater who found Jordan Ladd's line "Come on my ass!" extremely hilarious. (It makes more sense in context)

What surprised me most was that I actually liked Death Proof better, despite the fact that I'm a rabid zombie movie fan. While I agree that some of the jaw flappin' dragged a little bit, the movie was a truly unique experience that went in a completely different direction than anyone expected. And Zoe Bell really pulls off being hot, goofy, and badass all at the same time.

So if you haven't, please go see "Grindhouse" and help it poo-poo all of the "bomb" labels it has already been slapped with. Otherwise, we will all be stuck with more of the same crap that beat out "Grindhouse" this weekend, like "Are We Done Yet?"

Ugh.

Easter Fun Quiz!

1. Easter is the celebration of:

a. A man's love for another man
b. Dead chicken embryos
c. The time Jesus beat those rich kids in the dance contest and saved the Rec Center

2. Easter is celebrated on:

a. The one day every year when you are allowed out of the basement
b. Uncle Carl's lap
c. The day of our Lord, Sgoggo'th the Devourer

3. Peter Cottontail is the story of:

a. A man's love for another man
b. An omnipotent rodent who watches you when you touch yourself
c. Tupac Shakur

4. The proper Easter dinner always includes:

a. Slave girls
b. Manatee burgers
c. Honey-baked Spam

5. The most popular Easter activity is:

a. Hiding from Jesus
b. Hunting the homeless for sport
c. Taking Mommy to get her Methadone

6. Easter baskets are always full of:

a. Shame
b. Painkillers
c. The heads of the nonbelievers

7. Lent is to Easter as:

a. Marijuana is to Heroin
b. Pain is to pleasure
c. Coke is to Pepsi

8. Jews celebrate Easter by:

a. Hiding from Jesus
b. Counting the annual Peeps profits
c. Complaining about the traffic

9. If you can't make it to Church on Easter, you must always remember to:

a. Remove a limb in atonement
b. Wear your shoes on the wrong feet
c. Chug a brew for the J-Man

10. The most important thing about Easter is:

a. A man's love for another man
b. The body count
c. Sucking up to your rich aunt Hester before she dies


See the answers in next weeks Holocaust Remembrance Day Fun Quiz!

Lemmy the Deer Tick, Killer for Hire

I seen all types in my day, and not a one I couldn't bring down. You got somebody you want taken care of? You came to the right place, bub. Politicians, movie stars, the guy what's boning your wife, aint nothin' old Lemmy can't handle. For the agreed upon fee, I'll take 'em out real quiet like, with no one the wiser. Like this last job I had, fella wanted his business partner out of the picture so as he could get himself a bigger piece of the pie. I hid in the poor bastard's pants and gave him a good nip in the folds of his you know what. Pretty soon there's gonna be a rash, muscle pain, panic attacks, the whole nine. In a few years, barring any kind of medical treatment, that sucker is a goner.

If slow and steady aint your style, I got a few other tricks up my sleeve. There's these associates of mine, call themselves the Diamond Dogs. You ever seen what a couple hundred million dust mites can do to a body overnight? Nasty stuff I tell ya, real nasty. And of course, there's always the old one-two-three in the back of the head. Clean up costs extra on that one.

So what's it gonna be, Charlie? I'm the best there is at what I do. If you got someone you want done, all you gotta do is come see me. I'll be right here.

Forgotten Superheroes

Commander Fancy

By day: fabulous fashion designer Percy Whittlebaker. By night: feared crusader for taste Commander Fancy! With his sidekick, a kung-fu pug named Hans, Commander Fancy vowed to rid the world of cheap knockoffs and fashion disasters.

Weakness: Polyester
First Appearance: Daredevil # 37 "The Woman Who Wore White After Labor Day!"

Scrumptious P. Dimples

Originally marketed to young girls, Scrumptious P. Dimples taught self esteem and etiquette while continuing to foil the evil plans of Grouchy Q. McGrumblebum. Hugs N' Stuff Comix discontinued the series after marketing research revealed that 99% of the fan base consisted of men well beyond the target age demographics.

Weaknesses: Sour candy, bad table manners
First Appearance: Scrumptious P. Dimples # 1 "Scrumptious P. Dimples Loves You!"

The Superfluous Sextet

This band of also-ran third stringers generally arrived whenever a crisis had already been resolved. Most issues consisted of the team hanging around, asking bravely if anyone needed additional assistance, bragging to girls about things they would have done had they been around for the tornado/bank robbery/meteor strike, or asking to use the bathroom. Eventually renamed "The Midwest Avengers" and faded into obscurity.

Weakness: Any actual situation that might require action
First Appearance: The Avengers # 167 "Hey, Who the Hell are Those Guys?"

More of when I was a kid...

I pretended that I was being abducted during long car trips with my parents, just to pass the time.

I had a tiny black and white tv that allowed me to watch Silver Hawks in bed under the covers when I was grounded.

I stole all of this kid's plastic dinosaurs because I thought they were cool. Then, when his parents knocked on my door demanding that I return them, I lied and said that I had hidden them all around their house as part of a scavenger hunt. They called me out on it so I smuggled them all back and pretended to find them in various places on their property. I'm pretty sure they weren't fooled.

I drank a whole bunch of apple juice at a party in school and threw up in class. I have never touched the stuff again.

I saw "Johnny Appleseed" and "Darby O'Gill and the Little People" like 10 times each because for some reason, they showed them to us every other week in nursery school.

I bought the record "Night Moves" by the 80's hair metal band Cinderella just so I could laugh when I told people I bought a Cinderella album and they reacted in a confused manner.

I also had a "Little Black Sambo" storybook record. Apparently it was not yet outrageously inappropriate back then.

I threw a letter in the dumpster from my teacher informing my mother that I was cursing in class. Hours later, the mother of a girl that I was walking home with brought the letter to our door claiming that she found it in the girl's backpack. Unbeknownst to me, the teacher had actually called earlier in the day and my mother didn't think it was all that big a deal since I got punished at school. When she found out about the letter I was in a world of trouble.

I shot a goose with a slingshot and then ran like hell when it chased after me hissing. I never knew geese could hiss.

I was the only one who would try the fried mealworms that the nerdy kid in our class brought in for his science project.

I asked my stepfather what "sike" meant after hearing some older kids using it at school. He told me it was a nut, as in a "psych" patient, but I thought he literally meant a nut. Needless to say, I was confused for a while.

Famous song titles, adapted for North Korea

Many Hands Built This Glorious City, Rock and Roll was a Factor

I Feel as Though I am a Virtuous Woman Who Has Not Yet Known the Touch of a Man

The Happiness and Honesty of Our Teenagers Creates a Pleasing Scent

Although it is Forbidden, When I am in Your Presence I Feel the Need to Dance

I Have Returned, Now I am Wearing Black Clothing

Our Wise Leader, Kim Jong-il, Lights Up Our Lives