More of when I was a kid...

I pretended that I was being abducted during long car trips with my parents, just to pass the time.

I had a tiny black and white tv that allowed me to watch Silver Hawks in bed under the covers when I was grounded.

I stole all of this kid's plastic dinosaurs because I thought they were cool. Then, when his parents knocked on my door demanding that I return them, I lied and said that I had hidden them all around their house as part of a scavenger hunt. They called me out on it so I smuggled them all back and pretended to find them in various places on their property. I'm pretty sure they weren't fooled.

I drank a whole bunch of apple juice at a party in school and threw up in class. I have never touched the stuff again.

I saw "Johnny Appleseed" and "Darby O'Gill and the Little People" like 10 times each because for some reason, they showed them to us every other week in nursery school.

I bought the record "Night Moves" by the 80's hair metal band Cinderella just so I could laugh when I told people I bought a Cinderella album and they reacted in a confused manner.

I also had a "Little Black Sambo" storybook record. Apparently it was not yet outrageously inappropriate back then.

I threw a letter in the dumpster from my teacher informing my mother that I was cursing in class. Hours later, the mother of a girl that I was walking home with brought the letter to our door claiming that she found it in the girl's backpack. Unbeknownst to me, the teacher had actually called earlier in the day and my mother didn't think it was all that big a deal since I got punished at school. When she found out about the letter I was in a world of trouble.

I shot a goose with a slingshot and then ran like hell when it chased after me hissing. I never knew geese could hiss.

I was the only one who would try the fried mealworms that the nerdy kid in our class brought in for his science project.

I asked my stepfather what "sike" meant after hearing some older kids using it at school. He told me it was a nut, as in a "psych" patient, but I thought he literally meant a nut. Needless to say, I was confused for a while.

When I was a kid...

I practiced putting on my pants both legs at a time on the off chance someone would use the "I put my pants on one leg at a time like everyone else" saying in my presence.

I thought it would be hilarious to stand inside my grandparent's house and pee out the front door onto the porch where they were sitting. My grandfather thought it was so funny he hit me with a rolled up newspaper.

I pulled down an entire bookshelf and a bunch of potted plants because I didn't want to stand in the corner at nursery school. My stepfather walked in right as the dust was settling.

I had a recurring dream in which a giant wave of cockroaches burst into my bedroom and devoured me.

I got brutally clotheslined by my neighbors mailbox because I was looking at an airplane while riding my bike and not looking where I was going.

I got caught stealing a peach from the school cafeteria on a dare and had to write an essay about why stealing was wrong.

I burned a G.I. Joe as a sacrifice to the snow gods so there wouldn't be any school the next day. (It didn't work)

I had a stuffed rabbit named Bun Bun and a stuffed mouse named Mouse Mouse.

I nearly choked to death on a cheeseburger while my mom and my aunt sat there and laughed at me because they thought I was joking around.

I didn't notice that my sister wandered off in the mall because I was watching a tv instead of keeping an eye on her like I was asked to. (We got her back)

I won free tickets to see "She Devil" (that Roseanne Barr movie) from now defunct DC radio station Q107 and spilled the sample bottle of cologne that they handed out all over the back of my stepfather's car.

I traded all of my Go Bots for tennis balls, because for some reason tennis balls were really cool in the first grade.

Hey, this is fun!