Great Words of Inspiration

"We may be out-manned, out-gunned, and out-flanked, but there is one thing we have that they don't. Chutzpa!"

"All right girls, let's show them what the Chattanooga Lady Butter Faces can do!"

"Just as beauty is in the eye of the beholder, obesity is in the capacity of the buffet."

"Remember Jesus loves you. Even when you're doing that shameful thing with the ferret."

"The path to enlightenment is full of rest stop men's rooms."

"You can have my Fleshlight when you pry it from my cold dead hands!"

"The true test of a man is not how much money he made. It's how many dead hookers he left in his wake."

"God never closes a door without pushing you out of a window."

Hi, I'm Ricky, and I'll be your rapist and murderer today!

Thank you for choosing my shack in the woods as your final living location! Like they say, 37 dead hookers can't be wrong! Before we get started, let me tell you about some of our specials.
First, we have the early bird special. That's where I obliterate your skull with this claw hammer and masturbate into your oozing brain matter.
Or, there's the fastball special. Basically, I cut off your testicles and shove them down your throat while sodomizing you with a broom stick.
Not quite your cup of tea? That's ok. There's always the classic choice of me kicking out all of your teeth and forcing you to fellate me before I put a bullet between your eyes. Or if you're in the mood for something spicy, I would just love to set you on fire and jerk off while you scream in pain.
Still not tickling your fancy eh? Tell you what, while you think it over I'm just going to start unspooling your intestines with a screwdriver.
Oh, gouge out your eyes and skull fuck you? Excellent choice sir! I hope you enjoy your rape and murder as much as I will enjoy raping and murdering you.

Excerpts from the memoirs of Mr. Ed

This one night, I guess it was around late '63 or so, there I was relaxing in the barn eating some hay when Wilbur busts in with this crazy look in his eyes. "Ed! You gotta help me!" he yelps. "Oh I'm really in a pickle!"
"Now calm down there Wilbur," I says, "Nothing old Ed can't handle."
"I really did it this time Ed. There was this lady you see, she was walking down the highway with just about the shortest skirt you ever saw. So I stopped, just to give her a ride, you know, trying to be a nice guy."
At this point Wilbur is shaking and clawing at his sweater, which I start to notice is flecked with something dark. "Its ok Wilbur, go on."
"Well the lady starts talking about all sorts of stuff that'll make your ears blush. Things she likes to do to a fella for a little monetary compensation. At first I'm a little put out of course, but with Carol visiting her folks up in Topeka there, my urges started to get the better of me."
"Oh Wilbur, did you bring a whore home?"
"I just couldn't help myself Ed! But that's not all of it. So we go up into the guest bedroom, I figure I'd be a real louse if I did her there in our marital bed. The lady starts dancing all sexy and taking off her clothes. She tells me to join her on the bed, but I couldn't move. I was just stuck there like a dummy. So she comes over and gets down on her knees, real slow like, and starts to undo my pants. Then the strangest thing happened, Ed. All of a sudden my vision goes all red and I lose consciousness. And when I wake up, the lady's lying on the floor dead and there's blood all over the walls. I don't know what happened!"
"Oh Wilbur!"
"I know Ed! You gotta help me, Carol is due home tomorrow morning!"
Now I'm not one to condone killing a hooker just to get your kicks, but Wilbur was my best friend and I was darned if I was going to let some dead hussy ruin his luck. I sent Wilbur out to get the hacksaw and some bedsheets while I warmed up the truck. We wrapped up the body and drove all the way out to old man Peterson's farm out by the county line. Wilbur worked like a man possessed, he had that corpse hacked up into six pieces in no time flat. We buried each piece in the most out of the way places we could find, threw the hacksaw in the creek, and burned the bedsheets. By the time we got home old Wilbur and I were covered in so much gore and dirt that it took two hosings to get it all off me.
All night we scrubbed down the guest bedroom and got rid of anything that couldn't be cleaned. We finished just in the nick of time, Carol comes home and starts looking at us all suspicious. Wilbur came up with a pretty good excuse that he was going to remodel the room as a surprise to her, I tell ya it was hard to keep a straight face for that one. She asked a few questions about the missing sheets and what not, but eventually let it go.
We had some fun times, Wilbur and I. And nobody ever asked about the whore.