Excerpts from the memoirs of Mr. Ed

This one night, I guess it was around late '63 or so, there I was relaxing in the barn eating some hay when Wilbur busts in with this crazy look in his eyes. "Ed! You gotta help me!" he yelps. "Oh I'm really in a pickle!"
"Now calm down there Wilbur," I says, "Nothing old Ed can't handle."
"I really did it this time Ed. There was this lady you see, she was walking down the highway with just about the shortest skirt you ever saw. So I stopped, just to give her a ride, you know, trying to be a nice guy."
At this point Wilbur is shaking and clawing at his sweater, which I start to notice is flecked with something dark. "Its ok Wilbur, go on."
"Well the lady starts talking about all sorts of stuff that'll make your ears blush. Things she likes to do to a fella for a little monetary compensation. At first I'm a little put out of course, but with Carol visiting her folks up in Topeka there, my urges started to get the better of me."
"Oh Wilbur, did you bring a whore home?"
"I just couldn't help myself Ed! But that's not all of it. So we go up into the guest bedroom, I figure I'd be a real louse if I did her there in our marital bed. The lady starts dancing all sexy and taking off her clothes. She tells me to join her on the bed, but I couldn't move. I was just stuck there like a dummy. So she comes over and gets down on her knees, real slow like, and starts to undo my pants. Then the strangest thing happened, Ed. All of a sudden my vision goes all red and I lose consciousness. And when I wake up, the lady's lying on the floor dead and there's blood all over the walls. I don't know what happened!"
"Oh Wilbur!"
"I know Ed! You gotta help me, Carol is due home tomorrow morning!"
Now I'm not one to condone killing a hooker just to get your kicks, but Wilbur was my best friend and I was darned if I was going to let some dead hussy ruin his luck. I sent Wilbur out to get the hacksaw and some bedsheets while I warmed up the truck. We wrapped up the body and drove all the way out to old man Peterson's farm out by the county line. Wilbur worked like a man possessed, he had that corpse hacked up into six pieces in no time flat. We buried each piece in the most out of the way places we could find, threw the hacksaw in the creek, and burned the bedsheets. By the time we got home old Wilbur and I were covered in so much gore and dirt that it took two hosings to get it all off me.
All night we scrubbed down the guest bedroom and got rid of anything that couldn't be cleaned. We finished just in the nick of time, Carol comes home and starts looking at us all suspicious. Wilbur came up with a pretty good excuse that he was going to remodel the room as a surprise to her, I tell ya it was hard to keep a straight face for that one. She asked a few questions about the missing sheets and what not, but eventually let it go.
We had some fun times, Wilbur and I. And nobody ever asked about the whore.