Things I did NOT do on New Year's Day...

...punch a kitten in the face.

...masturbate repeatedly to the picture of Rachel Ray on the Triscuits box.

...invent an exciting new kind of yodeling.

...reenact Snakes on a Plane with three hamsters and a Wheaties box.

...scour the internet for Mr. Belvedere erotic fan fiction.

...improve on the Macarena.

...brutally murder Ty Pennington with a claw hammer.

...bake the world's most delicious cake.

...set a new world record in number of attempted suicides.

...create a fake profile on a pro-anorexia forum just to get a little compassion.


Things I did do on New Year's Day...

...watch about six straight hours of vh1 for lack of anything better on.

...fantasize about brutally murdering Ty Pennington with a claw hammer.