Holiday Safety Tips

The Holidays can be a time of great joy and love, but an untimely accident could turn them into a tragedy-filled nightmare of shame and horror. Follow these simple tips to be sure that you and yours have a safe and happy season.

• Make sure that your children use seat protectors when sitting on the mall Santa's lap. You don't know where that lap has been and you probably don't want to know.
• While flaming crosses on the lawn may look nice and festive, your neighbors might take offense and retaliate in some fashion.
• Avoid the temptation to spike the eggnog with PCP at the company Christmas party. Any one of your coworkers could be a ticking timebomb just waiting for the right chemical trigger to set off their killing spree.
• Do not fire your rifle into the air 25 times at midnight on Christmas Eve to celebrate the birth of Christ. Christ was born at 3:37 am Eastern Standard Time, save your shots until then.
• Using Christmas lights as anal beads could result in severe burns and possible electrocution.
• Be wary of any escort service that advertises a 50% off Christmas special. That's usually just an excuse to dump off one of their midgets.
• Do not allow children to play with their newly made dreidels without supervision. Dreidel-related injuries accounted for 79,613 blind Jewish children last year.
• The nine candles of the Menorah do not represent the "number of times you banged Gary's wife last night." Claiming so may result in a broken nose or loss of teeth.
• Candy canes may seem like a touching gift for an incarcerated loved one, but his cellmate can turn one into a serviceable shiv with just a few licks.
• Be sure that your roof is clear of all obstacles and ice patches. That Santa Claus is one litigious mother fucker.