Thanksgiving fun facts!

• From 1933-1941, Thanksgiving was used as a clever scheme to dupe the Irish.
• Early celebrations included the sacrifice of a virgin to The Dark God Scrogg, which is still represented to this day by your mother's attempts to drive your younger sister to suicide with thinly disguised barbs about her eating problem.
• In Russia, turkey stuffs you!
• Turkey is the only acceptable main dish. Ham is for Jesus, asshole.
• Long undocumented, the first Thanksgiving actually took place on board the Mayflower before it landed at Plymouth Rock. The Pilgrims dined on a succulent feast made up of those who had succumbed to dysentery.
• Pumpkin pie was discovered by accident, the original intent was for a long lasting antiperspirant.
• When made a national holiday, Thanksgiving replaced the less joyous and outdatedly Puritan "Day of Genital Scorning."
• For every person that doesn't verbally express what they have to be thankful for each year, God kills a hot bisexual girl.
• Cranberry sauce causes cancer.
• The old "fornicate with the turkey just before it is served to the family" prank is truly a timeless classic.
• Everyone hates being there just as much as you do. Publicly acknowledging this fact will make the day go by much easier for all of you.