Adoption Tips

Thinking of adding a (slightly used) bundle of joy to the family? Follow these simple tips and your adopted child will enjoy a happy life with his new family. Until he finds out he was adopted.

• All orphans have an expiration date printed behind their right ear. Always choose the freshest youngster you can find!
• Be sure to carefully examine your prospective adopted child for any damage, missing limbs, or excess Chinese-ness.
• On your adoption application, don't worry about listing any offenses aside from violent felonies. They don't really check and it just wastes space.
• Save your receipt! Most agencies allow you to return a child within 90 days of adoption in case they don't save your marriage like you hoped they would.
• Adjusting to life in a new home can be difficult. Fill your child's bedroom with the pimps and drug addicts that she is accustomed to from her previous home.
• Do not tell your biological children that you adopted the new child because you don't love them anymore. This will cause a great deal of resentment and possible gladiator-style duels to the death, which while entertaining, could lead to costly medical bills.
• Aside from the unconditional love and companionship, adopting a child is a lot like getting a dog. So if that's what you were looking for, you should probably go with the dog.
• Adopting for tax purposes is unethical. Claiming your adopted child as an 85 year-old war veteran invalid dependent who attends college is perfectly acceptable.
• You can't make your new child love you, but you can manipulate her into developing an eating disorder.
• An orphan's given name is just a suggestion. If you've always wanted a son named Hotshit McAwesome then by god you go ahead and name him that.
• Remember: One day your adopted child will be physically and mentally strong enough to kill you. Try to take this into consideration as your relationship develops.