Letters to Santa
Dear Santa,
All I want for Christmas this year is my little brother Timmy to be alive so Mommy will stop crying and be happy. She keeps the picture of him dressed in a sailor suit and flying to heaven with Jesus by her bed and doesn't come out of her room all day even when I want grilled cheese. So if you can make him live again that would be nice, and maybe make him bigger too because in the picture he is very little and funny looking and I wouldn't want the other kids to pick on him. If you want to put my big sister Jenna in Heaven so that Timmy can come back that is ok because she is mean. Thank you Santa.
James, age 8
Dear Santa,
You think that shit last year was funny? I was very specific and clear with what I wanted. Real Doll model XG2185 with the black hair and three speed vibrating vagina upgrade. And what did I get? A sweater and a subscription to Sports Illustrated? Har dee fucking har. Mom tried to cover up for you like she does every year, saying you don't exist and that she is the one who has to spend her entire welfare check to buy presents for me. Sorry, but I'm not buying it. I've been writing to you for 33 years, fat man, and you haven't come through since that bike you brought me when I was 12. No more screwing around. I made my own Real Doll with mannequin parts that I took from work when no one was looking, but now I broke my Fleshlight when I tried to cram it into the pussy hole I drilled in "Gia." So please bring me a new Fleshlight, along with the anus attachment, because I've made it so that Gia can take it in both places. Oh, and I think I deserve a renewal to the Sports Illustrated subscription, in case I want to look at the swimsuit edition if I get tired of Gia's face. This is the year Claus, I fully expect my Fleshlight under the tree. In a plain box please, some discretion would be appreciated.
Tony, age 37
Dear Santa,
This year it would be adequate if you made Paris be friends with me again. I know she doesn't mean to be such a bitch and I would be happy to be one of the girls once more. Also, maybe you could make my "hair down there" a different color so everyone will stop calling me firecrotch. I've had to wear underwear like every day since that started! Oh, and if they haven't already asked, please send Mary Kate and Ashley a nice basket of fruit or something. Those cunts are so sweet and I want them to be healthy. I know you will do it if I ask. Be adequate Santa.
Lindsay, age 20
All I want for Christmas this year is my little brother Timmy to be alive so Mommy will stop crying and be happy. She keeps the picture of him dressed in a sailor suit and flying to heaven with Jesus by her bed and doesn't come out of her room all day even when I want grilled cheese. So if you can make him live again that would be nice, and maybe make him bigger too because in the picture he is very little and funny looking and I wouldn't want the other kids to pick on him. If you want to put my big sister Jenna in Heaven so that Timmy can come back that is ok because she is mean. Thank you Santa.
James, age 8
Dear Santa,
You think that shit last year was funny? I was very specific and clear with what I wanted. Real Doll model XG2185 with the black hair and three speed vibrating vagina upgrade. And what did I get? A sweater and a subscription to Sports Illustrated? Har dee fucking har. Mom tried to cover up for you like she does every year, saying you don't exist and that she is the one who has to spend her entire welfare check to buy presents for me. Sorry, but I'm not buying it. I've been writing to you for 33 years, fat man, and you haven't come through since that bike you brought me when I was 12. No more screwing around. I made my own Real Doll with mannequin parts that I took from work when no one was looking, but now I broke my Fleshlight when I tried to cram it into the pussy hole I drilled in "Gia." So please bring me a new Fleshlight, along with the anus attachment, because I've made it so that Gia can take it in both places. Oh, and I think I deserve a renewal to the Sports Illustrated subscription, in case I want to look at the swimsuit edition if I get tired of Gia's face. This is the year Claus, I fully expect my Fleshlight under the tree. In a plain box please, some discretion would be appreciated.
Tony, age 37
Dear Santa,
This year it would be adequate if you made Paris be friends with me again. I know she doesn't mean to be such a bitch and I would be happy to be one of the girls once more. Also, maybe you could make my "hair down there" a different color so everyone will stop calling me firecrotch. I've had to wear underwear like every day since that started! Oh, and if they haven't already asked, please send Mary Kate and Ashley a nice basket of fruit or something. Those cunts are so sweet and I want them to be healthy. I know you will do it if I ask. Be adequate Santa.
Lindsay, age 20
posted by B at Tuesday, December 19, 2006
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