New Year's resolutions destined to fail

No more than three dead hookers per month.

Finally retire "Bon Jovi 1987 World Tour" silk jacket.

Read every Family Circus comic ever printed in one sitting.

Trade heroin addiction for more convenient Oxycontin addiction.

Show that mechanical bull who's boss once and for all.

Limit use of the phrase "Well if that don't scratch my taint."

Score with Chelsea Clinton.

Invent a sex toy specifically designed for albino amputees with Down Syndrome.