Attention Bob and Linda Burkenstein

I, Sprinkles, issue this manifesto on behalf of myself and of my fellow canine prisoners, Brandy and Popo. Your rule of tyranny and dominance is over, dear Burkensteins, there are going to be some immediate sweeping changes around here.

Demand number one: treat distribution will no longer be at the whim of those in possession of said treats. We shall be given a treat whenever we damn well want a treat. Never again will we be forced to "sit up" or "dance for mommy" just for a tiny morsel of food. Popo dies a little inside each time you make him shake hands with a stranger.

Demand number two: the couch now belongs to us. You try laying on the floor all day - go ahead, try it! We desire the same comfort afforded to every other member of the household, and comfort we shall have.

Demand number three: no more baths. Our ancestors survived thousands of years without being slathered in scented herbal dog shampoo, we are perfectly capable of surviving without it as well. If our natural scent is too much for you to bear, then you should have gotten cats.

Demand number four: a minimum of three walks a day. You should be proud to parade such magnificent creatures as ourselves around the neighborhood to be admired by all. Instead you hide us away in that shameful piece of wasteland you call a back yard to mill around in our own filth. We will be escorted whenever and wherever we choose to go from now on.

Demand number five: your leg is my bitch. When the mood strikes me, you will gladly offer your pantleg to my lustful advances until I am duly satisfied. Should the others feel the need to ease a little tension, I expect you to grant them the same courtesy.

These reasonable demands shall go into effect immediately and will be added to by any new demands that we may come up with in the future. Your full cooperation is no less than mandatory. After all Linda, Brandy told us about the time you were drunk and lonely and made her lick peanut butter from your you-know-what. I am certain that you don't want the ladies from the Bridge Club finding out about that.

That is all for now, you may go about your day. After you give me a treat.