Today in dog history

January 29, 1947 - Sir Uter Von Fluffkins becomes the first Pug to be awarded the Congressional Medal of Honor for his brave work as a double agent during World War II.

January 29, 1963 - A Golden Retriever named Rascal sets the Philosophy world on its ear when he announces that the meaning of life is food. Subsequent revamped theories included ball and cat box.

January 29, 1977 - Princess Paws scores a number one hit with the disco classic "Poodle Love."

January 29, 1985 - A visibly drunk Benji is arrested after propositioning an undercover officer for a $500.00 tummy rub. Later makes a tearful apology to his fans acknowledging that he is a bad dog and would seek counseling.

January 29, 2003 - The pets of 14804 Appletree Lane agree to a historic canine/feline peace accord. The delicate peace lasted just three days, aggressions renewed after Ambassador Sprinkles got into the pantry and ate all the cat treats.

Lonely Hearts Personals Service

Name: Lester
Age: 27
Quote: "Git 'er done!"

Likes: Hollerin, Cussin, Candlelight Dinners
Dislikes: Fags, Silverware

About Me: Ima big soft southern fried teddy bear. Lookin fer a gal what can hold her own in a sausage eatin contest and gut her own bass. call #1683




Name: Dipsy
Age: 42
Quote: "Jesus loves the little children"

Likes: Children, Jesus, Cats
Dislikes: Mean People

About Me: I've been a professional clown for 16 years. Looking for someone who loves the sound of children's laughter. No kids but Sprinkles, Lucy, and Mr. Paws are very picky! call #2764




Name: Brittney
Age: 17
Quote: "My lovely lady lumps!"

Likes: My Family, American Idol, and My Pom Squad Sistas - Holla!
Dislikes: Math (ugh!), Tan Lines

About Me: Just your typical American sweetheart. Looking for someone to hang at the mall with, watch Idol, and maybe talk on the phone until midnight. R U my special someone? call # 8278




Name: Brandon
Age: 19
Quote: "This is the first day of my life."

Likes: White Belts, Hair Cuttery
Dislikes: Confrontation, Scenes

About Me: What can I say that won't sound cliched? If you want to hang out or something, that's cool I guess. call #4399




Name: Beth
Age: 35
Quote: "Eye of the Tiger"

Likes: Shoes, Lube
Dislikes: Foreign Cars, Low Carb Diets

About Me: Miss Guns USA two years running. I need a man that can handle all I got and more. Are you up to it big boy? call # 6387




Name: Rupert
Age: 78
Quote: "Don't you wish your girlfriend was hot like me?"

Likes: Good Time
Dislikes: No Good Time

About Me: Number one party man wants party with you. Dance all night long baby. Wants show you love thing. Hit me up as soon as ready for hot stuff. call #5590

Attention Bob and Linda Burkenstein

I, Sprinkles, issue this manifesto on behalf of myself and of my fellow canine prisoners, Brandy and Popo. Your rule of tyranny and dominance is over, dear Burkensteins, there are going to be some immediate sweeping changes around here.

Demand number one: treat distribution will no longer be at the whim of those in possession of said treats. We shall be given a treat whenever we damn well want a treat. Never again will we be forced to "sit up" or "dance for mommy" just for a tiny morsel of food. Popo dies a little inside each time you make him shake hands with a stranger.

Demand number two: the couch now belongs to us. You try laying on the floor all day - go ahead, try it! We desire the same comfort afforded to every other member of the household, and comfort we shall have.

Demand number three: no more baths. Our ancestors survived thousands of years without being slathered in scented herbal dog shampoo, we are perfectly capable of surviving without it as well. If our natural scent is too much for you to bear, then you should have gotten cats.

Demand number four: a minimum of three walks a day. You should be proud to parade such magnificent creatures as ourselves around the neighborhood to be admired by all. Instead you hide us away in that shameful piece of wasteland you call a back yard to mill around in our own filth. We will be escorted whenever and wherever we choose to go from now on.

Demand number five: your leg is my bitch. When the mood strikes me, you will gladly offer your pantleg to my lustful advances until I am duly satisfied. Should the others feel the need to ease a little tension, I expect you to grant them the same courtesy.

These reasonable demands shall go into effect immediately and will be added to by any new demands that we may come up with in the future. Your full cooperation is no less than mandatory. After all Linda, Brandy told us about the time you were drunk and lonely and made her lick peanut butter from your you-know-what. I am certain that you don't want the ladies from the Bridge Club finding out about that.

That is all for now, you may go about your day. After you give me a treat.