Controlling childhood obesity

A widely-reported epidemic is underway among the world's youth. Follow these tips to help make sure that your child does not join the ranks of the overweight.

• While all of his friends get a cake on their birthday, give your child liver. This will eventually cause him to resent sweets and, in turn, avoid them.
• Activity is crucial to maintain a child's weight. Next time you need cigarettes, have your children walk to the store to get them for you. A note from you should suffice as proof that they aren't buying the cigarettes for themselves.
• Many herald the new Nintendo Wii as an excellent way to keep kids active. The Wii costs $250.00. Running laps in the back yard is free.
• Soda is a significant contributor to childhood weight gain. Instill in your youngsters at an early age that soda is made of horse pee.
• Kids can't overeat if they don't have the chance to. Give them a survival manual and make them find their own food.
• Send half of the money that you normally use to purchase your children's food to a disadvantaged youngster in a third world country. That should balance things out nicely.
• Glamorous pictures of super-skinny actresses can be damaging to a growing girl's self image. Be sure to only keep magazines like "Fatty Fuckers Monthly" and "Cellulite Cuties" around the house.
• Move to Wisconsin. Your child would have a long way to go before anyone considers him fat there.
• Encourage your children to eat as many fruits and vegetables as possible. The wrath of the Boogeyman is an excellent motivator.
• If you and your spouse are obese, the chances of your children following suit are very high. Do us all a favor and don't breed, you fat fucks.