An open letter to the aliens who abducted Sammy Farnsworth instead of me:

Dearest Ambassadors of the Stars,

I, Norman Fitz, UFO Enthusiast, must express my deep sense of bewilderment and disappointment over the fact that you chose to abduct my neighbor and most bitter scientific rival, Sammy Farnsworth, instead of me.
Why a species so obviously advanced and superior to our own in every way would want some mouth breather who spits when he talks and sits when he pees is beyond me. He hasn't even had a letter published in Asimov's Science Fiction Magazine!
As the founding member of H.A.I.R. (Humans for the Advancement of Intergalactic Relations), I feel that I am more than qualified to act as the perfect liaison between our cultures. My theoretic Universal Translator device won an Honorable Mention at the science fair just last year! Sammy Farnsworth's ridiculous "Worm Hole Creator" didn't even place.
I have devoted my life to the study of UFO and otherworldly phenomena. Surely your advanced instruments have seen me gazing longingly at the stars each night, crying out for you to come and make contact!
There are some who suggest that Sammy Farnsworth made up the whole abduction story just to get attention and make me jealous. While I scoff at Mr. Farnsworth's so called "qualifications" in the field of paranormal research, I know even he would not stoop so low as to make false abduction claims that could potentially damage the credibility of our shared passion.
So I plead with you, dear friends from above, please do what's right and take me away into your no doubt beautiful spacecraft. I can teach you the ways of man, and if you need to probe me, I will gladly offer any orifice in the name of science and discovery.

Until then I remain your humble admirer,

Norman Fitz