Get laid the Sal Stevenson way!

Heya fellas, your old friend Sal here, and I'm about to give you the greatest gift a man could ever receive. I've heard your cries for help, I've felt your pain, and now I will finally pass on my bullet-proof method of pinching minge without even trying.

Now I know some of you may be skeptical that a guy like me can be swimming in beaver 24/7, but let me assure you: I've gotten more tail since my 50th birthday than you would have gotten your entire life without my time-tested rules. So read on young bucks, and become the master of the muff you always knew you could be.

Rule # 1 - Always Be Creepy!

Its as easy to remember as A-B-C. Females like to know what they are dealing with right from the get-go. If you present yourself as a decent, polite young man and then after a couple of drinks ask if you can smell her shoes out of nowhere, she will feel betrayed by your false front and her legs will close like a steel trap. Portray yourself earnestly right from the start and you will never have to worry about the reaction to your little third act reveal. Who knows, the first chick you ask if she's ever fantasized about doing a dog might just be into that kind of thing.

Rule # 2 - Know Your Limits!

Yes, the blond in the corner with the amazing rack would make for a fantastic end to the evening. But which is more realistic, that gorgeous goddess or the skank with the prosthetic leg passed out in the men's bathroom? Beggars can't be choosy and true snatch artists have no such thing as standards. As the old saying goes, they all look the same in the dark. Do exercise some discretion though, they certainly don't all smell the same in the dark.

Rule # 3 - Morals are for Suckers!

Some broad boo-hoo-hooing into her third Sea Breeze because she found out her fiancee has been cheating on her? Cuts on the arms because daddy touched her when she was 13? Fresh puke on the breath from her most recent purge? Some people call that vulnerable. I call it open for business. With practice your honing skills will be finely tuned to spot the easiest target in the joint. And don't be afraid to make up a good sob story of your own. Hell, I once used a wheelchair to get some action. Boy, was she surprised when I hopped out of bed after giving her the old one-two!

Rule # 4 - Chicks Dig Men in Uniform!

Sure, its illegal to impersonate a cop, but everything else is fair game. Creativity leads to credibility. Go off the beaten path and put together something you don't see everyday. Nuclear sub captain? Sushi chef? Theme park mascot? The options are limitless! And of course, there are the classics. A well done fireman's outfit with a few good stories to back it up is guaranteed to start a four-alarm fire in her panties!

Rule # 5 - Fat Chicks are a Gold Mine

This could be considered part of Rule # 2, but in my experience the big girls warrant their own special mention. They're jolly, they're sassy, and they're always game. Zone in on the fatty in any group of girls and she'll feel like the belle of the ball. Soon after that she'll be the belle of your balls, guaranteed.

So there you have it boyos, old Sal's golden words of wisdom to keep you knee deep in poontang until the day you die. If for some reason the Sal Stevenson method doesn't work for you, remember: there is nothing wrong with a reasonably priced hooker.

Happy hunting,

Sal