Cancer? Don't be such a pussy!

Listen to yourself, you make me sick. "Ohh ohh, I've got cancer, boo hoo hoo." I've had cancer no less than seven times, and I'm still kicking! I didn't cry one little bit when they removed my right lung. I even laughed when they gave me two months to live after they found the inoperable brain tumor back in '93. Well I sure showed those eggheads didn't I?

I didn't get my ass shot off in Korea so namby pambies like you could schlep around feeling sorry for themselves about a measly little case of skin cancer. Look at it, you can barely even see it! Here, look at my chest, LOOK AT IT! That's some real skin cancer! Looks like somebody shot me with a double dose of buckshot filled with puke. But it aint killed me yet!

Now see, you've gone and got your mother all upset. She sure didn't cry like that when the chemo-therapy made my balls shrink to the size of a couple of raisins. I always told her she dotes over you too much.

Time to suck it up. You're a Henderson, its high time you started acting like one! I don't want to hear any more whining about your "terrible cancer." No cat of mine is going to shame this house like that. Now go play in the yard like a man.

Happy Valentines Day Cancer!

My Dear Cancer,

It seemed that I hardly even knew you before you spread into my heart. Now we are soul mates, together forever, inseparable.
I still remember the first time I saw you. There you were on the CAT Scan, already so much a part of me. The doctor's stern face could not dampen my enthusiasm, you were so beautiful! They warned me that you would be the death of me but I turned a deaf ear to their sour grapes. For they did not understand the special bond we shared, the relationship that continues to enrich our lives every day.
No one else would have me now that my hair has all fallen out, but you, dearest cancer, are not concerned with such superficial matters. Though I may be bedridden and weak you continue to grow inside of me and fill me with the love that only a true partner could provide.
Though the doctors say that this will be our last Valentines Day together, I couldn't be happier. If I am to die then I go to my grave knowing that I have experienced the kind of true love that so few people are ever blessed with.

That true love is you, cancer.