Great Future Moments in Rock History

After an epic world-broadcasted concert consisting of no less than 37 encores, Gunnar "The Pretty One" Nelson ends his comeback tour by accepting the ambassadorship to Paraguay from the President himself, live on stage. Surrounded by his six teenage Korean brides, Nelson gracefully accepts the honor, promising a new age of rock and prosperity to the South American nation.

Keith Richards renews his depleted essence for the fourth time by consuming the souls of an entire town in rural France through the art of dark magic. Newly invigorated, Richards agrees to join the rest of the band for the Rolling Stones 175th anniversary tour.

Lisa Loeb, still sore from the failure of her dating-related reality show, denounces her heteroexuality and forms a violent new riot grrl band with scattered members from bands such as L7 and Bikini Kill. Loeb, renamed Lisa Loebotomy, fronts her new band Pussy Abwhore to massive critical and commercial success until her untimely death. Her legacy is immortalized in the cautionary classic by Ani DiFranco titled "Disinfect the Strap On."

Chinese Democracy is finally released on March 21, 2015. China immediately sees the error of its ways and begins to dismantle its oppressive Communist regime, causing peace to flourish throughout the world. Axl Rose is awarded the Nobel Prize in every single category, just for being such a super guy.

White Supremacist Country Songs

Stand By Your Fuhrer

The Goose Step Boogie

A Boy Named Jew

Goodbye, Adolph

I Got Friends With Burning Crosses

Achy Breaky Reich

Your Impure Heart

When I was a kid...

I practiced putting on my pants both legs at a time on the off chance someone would use the "I put my pants on one leg at a time like everyone else" saying in my presence.

I thought it would be hilarious to stand inside my grandparent's house and pee out the front door onto the porch where they were sitting. My grandfather thought it was so funny he hit me with a rolled up newspaper.

I pulled down an entire bookshelf and a bunch of potted plants because I didn't want to stand in the corner at nursery school. My stepfather walked in right as the dust was settling.

I had a recurring dream in which a giant wave of cockroaches burst into my bedroom and devoured me.

I got brutally clotheslined by my neighbors mailbox because I was looking at an airplane while riding my bike and not looking where I was going.

I got caught stealing a peach from the school cafeteria on a dare and had to write an essay about why stealing was wrong.

I burned a G.I. Joe as a sacrifice to the snow gods so there wouldn't be any school the next day. (It didn't work)

I had a stuffed rabbit named Bun Bun and a stuffed mouse named Mouse Mouse.

I nearly choked to death on a cheeseburger while my mom and my aunt sat there and laughed at me because they thought I was joking around.

I didn't notice that my sister wandered off in the mall because I was watching a tv instead of keeping an eye on her like I was asked to. (We got her back)

I won free tickets to see "She Devil" (that Roseanne Barr movie) from now defunct DC radio station Q107 and spilled the sample bottle of cologne that they handed out all over the back of my stepfather's car.

I traded all of my Go Bots for tennis balls, because for some reason tennis balls were really cool in the first grade.

Hey, this is fun!

Lesser known scientific breakthroughs

Einstein's Theory of Fat Chicks

F (Representing probability of banging a fattie) equals the sum of D (Number of drinks consumed) times T (Length of current dry spell in weeks) minus A (Number of acquaintances present as witnesses)

F = (D x T) - A

F = (10 x 9) - 4

F = (90) - 4

F = 86% probability of taking home a fat chick.

* When calculations result in a probability of more than 100%, an additional "Achievement of Erection" denominator must be factored in. Thus:

W (Whiskey Dick Denominator) = P (Estimated weight of fat chick in pounds) minus the sum of D times V (Average ABV of drinks consumed)

W = P minus (D x V)

W = 250 - (10 x 7)

W = 250 - (70)

W = 180 Whiskey Dick Denominator

If W is greater than F, there will be one disappointed fat chick in your bed.

The funniest thing I heard this weekend

Me: "But then you would just be masturbation fodder."

She: "Well, I wouldn't mind."

Amish Bumper Stickers

Whoop if you are randy

A bale of hay, an honest day's hard work, or a peek under the bonnet - nobody rides for free!

My other buggy is the Batmobile

How is my driving? Come see old Ben Gardner down at the feed store, speak your piece, and he'll let me know.

Farmers do it 'till it grows

My honors student can shoe a horse faster than your honors student

The question on everyone's mind

My apologies for the quality of the picture, it was the best I could find. I was surprised (although I really shouldn't be) about how many nude "Erin Esurance" pics there are out there. Apparently she's one hot piece of cartoon ass.

Leaked plot points from "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows"

• Harry dies.
• Harry is resurrected by the ghost of Dumbledore and given the magical "Acne of Awkwardness."
• Ron Weasley's "Date R@pe" spell accidentally turns Hermione into a 35 year-old man. (Thus eliminating any future contract difficulties with Emma Watson for the film adaptation)
• Harry dies.
• Hermione brings Harry back to life with the "paddles of electric shocking."
• Voldemort reveals himself to be Harry's true father and sits him down for a long overdue talk about the birds and the bees.
• Harry dies.
• Harry reveals that it was actually his clone that was killed and challenges Voldemort to a final battle.
• Harry dies.
• Millions of little girls and full grown men cry themselves to sleep for a month.

CTU Morgue Report, March 21, 2012

The following corpses arrived between 3pm and 4pm.

Subjects sustained various degrees of trauma during CTU Strike Team Alpha's interception of financial records leading to the location and capture of wanted terrorist Hassan Muhammed's landlord's Salsa Dance instructor, Ruby Miles. Strike Team leader was agent Jack Bauer.

Subject A: White Male, approximately 40 years of age. Subject sustained multiple crushing injuries to chest and legs inflicted by the tires of agent Bauer's vehicle. Subject believed to have been crossing the street in front of CTU when agent Bauer initiated the mission. Cause of death appears to be vehicular trauma.

Subjects B - E: Hispanic Females, approximately 18 and 30 (B + C), White Male, approximately 60 (D), and Black Female, approximately 25 (E). All victims of multiple injuries sustained in serious multi-vehicle auto accident. Accident believed to have occurred upon agent Bauer's arrival at Strike Point 1. Cause of death not yet confirmed, may include vehicular trauma, immolation, smoke inhalation, or cardiac arrest.

Subject F: Black Male, approximately 20. Subject sustained multiple GSW's to head and chest. Subject believed to greet agent Bauer upon entering McDonald's restaurant. Cause of death appears to be trauma due to multiple GSW's.

Subjects G - H: McDonald's Employees, White Female approximately 18 (G), Hispanic Male approximately 16 (H). Subject G sustained single GSW to head. Subject H missing three fingers on left hand, sustained multiple blunt force injuries to head and chest. Subject G cause of death appears to be execution by agent Bauer for non-compliance. Subject H cause of death appears to be internal bleeding following interrogation by agent Bauer.

Subject I: Brown Cocker Spaniel, approximately 4. Cause of death and injuries sustained identical to Subject A.

Subject J: Asian Male, approximately 50. Subject sustained burns and shrapnel wounds due to Strike Team's forced entry into residence of Ruby Miles. Cause of death appears to be internal bleeding and shock caused by explosion.

Subject K: Ruby Miles, 43 years of age. Subject captured alive but died during interrogation by agent Bauer. Subject sustained multiple stab wounds, blunt force trauma, burns, amputation, and poisoning. Final cause of death appears to be cardiac arrest due to electrocution.

Mission rated successful.

Mission Briefing for Strike Team Alpha capture of Hassan Muhammed's landlord scheduled for 1700 hours.

Board games for poor boys and girls

Chutes and Fire Escapes

Hungry Hungry Parasites

The Game of Life Without the Possibility of Parole

Dollar Store Candy Land

Don't Wake My Baby Daddy

Scrapple

Back Alley Operation

Rat Trap

Things we inexplicably thought were cool in the 90's, Part 1

It's easy to make fun of the 70's and 80's, because each decade produced such outlandish styles, trends, and entertainment. I think we often overlook the 90's though, especially because those were my most formative years, and a lot of the stupid shit we thought was cool back then is really embarrassing now. Some of this may be more personal to my experiences and tastes, but I'm sure that I am not the only one who thought this stuff was great back then.

1. Fun Lovin' Criminals, "Scooby Snacks"



A catchy, jazzy, mildly controversial (in a really retarded way) MTV hit all about robbing banks and taking drugs. The song came out in 1995, while we were still in the "Reservoir Dogs" and "Pulp Fiction" Tarantino-worshipping days. The song has samples from each of those movies interspersed with the lyrics that somewhat go along with the narrative. MTV stopped playing it, if I remember correctly, once concerned parents realized that "Scooby Snacks" was code for drugs.
Yeah, I loved the song. I was very into the beat poet/stand up base kind of thing back then. And such lyrical gems as "They gave chase but my man Steve's an Ace, so we lost those brothers with haste," apparently tickled my fancy at the time.
I still have the song on my mp3 list, and I groan a little every time it comes on. I can't quite bring myself to remove it though. Liking that song is about as lame as owning the Pulp Fiction soundtrack, and yeah, I owned that too.

2. Hypercolor T-Shirts



These were all the rage when I was in 6th grade, so that would put it around 1990 or 1991. The perfect compliment to your Reeboks and acid-washed jeans with the cuffs rolled up nice and tight. The color changing shirts were really cool until someone came up and slapped you on the back as hard as they could just to leave a hand print. Which they did. A lot. Fuckers.

3. Bram Stoker's Dracula



God, what a goofy ass movie. I've always been a fan of vampire flicks, and when this came out in 1992 I was terribly excited. I'm still not sure how I managed to see it in the theater, given that I wasn't yet 17. Apparently the local movie theater where I grew up was pretty lax on ratings. I loved it then, but this one really doesn't hold up now. The only reason to watch it these days is for the (somewhat) gratuitous vampire chick nudity. Oh, and Tom Waits, he's always fun.

There are many, many more examples of silly 90's stuff still to come. Feel free to wax nostalgic about your own embarrassing past in the comments.

Desmond Does the Math

Desmond approaches Charlie as he tosses sea shells into the ocean.

Desmond: How goes it, brother?

Charlie: Can't complain you know, Des.

Desmond: Listen Charlie, I've been doing some thinking.

Charlie: Aye?

Desmond: Well, you know how I've been doing my best to watch out for you and keep you alive these last few weeks?

Charlie: Right mate, and I appreciate it.

Desmond: Its these accidents you see, I've started to notice a trend.

Charlie: What's that, Des?

Desmond: Maybe its nothing, but...Ok, well the first one, I kept you from being struck by lightning outside of Claire's tent yeah?

Charlie: Yeah...

Desmond: And then there was stopping you from drowning while trying to save Claire. After that it was preventing you from slipping off the rocks while getting that bird for Claire.

Charlie: Go on...

Desmond: (Growing slightly agitated) All right, well, then I told you not to eat that fruit that Claire picked. Then I shot that boar that was going to attack you on your hike with Claire. Then I kept you from impaling yourself with that spear while you were fishing with Claire. Then I pointed out that rusty nail you almost snagged yourself on while bringing back the dresser you found for Claire. Then I pulled you out of the quicksand you fell into while daydreaming about Claire.

Charlie: Ok....

Desmond: And just this morning, I gave you the Heimlich maneuver when you started choking on that granola bar that Claire gave you! Don't you see a pattern here?

Charlie: What are you trying to say, mate?

Desmond: Christ, LOOK OUT!

Desmond shoves Charlie aside as Claire's wrecked automobile inexplicably appears out of nowhere and comes crashing down where Charlie was standing.

Charlie: That was close! So tell me Des, what is this all about?

Desmond: (Sighing) Never mind, Charlie. Just stay away from the bonfire tonight, ok?

Cancer? Don't be such a pussy!

Listen to yourself, you make me sick. "Ohh ohh, I've got cancer, boo hoo hoo." I've had cancer no less than seven times, and I'm still kicking! I didn't cry one little bit when they removed my right lung. I even laughed when they gave me two months to live after they found the inoperable brain tumor back in '93. Well I sure showed those eggheads didn't I?

I didn't get my ass shot off in Korea so namby pambies like you could schlep around feeling sorry for themselves about a measly little case of skin cancer. Look at it, you can barely even see it! Here, look at my chest, LOOK AT IT! That's some real skin cancer! Looks like somebody shot me with a double dose of buckshot filled with puke. But it aint killed me yet!

Now see, you've gone and got your mother all upset. She sure didn't cry like that when the chemo-therapy made my balls shrink to the size of a couple of raisins. I always told her she dotes over you too much.

Time to suck it up. You're a Henderson, its high time you started acting like one! I don't want to hear any more whining about your "terrible cancer." No cat of mine is going to shame this house like that. Now go play in the yard like a man.

The Greatest Hits of Sampson Adonis McGhee

Pig's Feet Music is proud to present this special chance to own all of Sampson Adonis McGhee's classic treasures in one affordable collection. These timeless hits encompass Sampson Adonis McGhee's entire 30-year career as one of Duluth's most loved street performers. This signature collection includes such favorites as:

Can't take a dump with this bottle cap in my pooper

I'd pay you a dollar to smell your shoes

The government owes me $17.50

Looka that colored guy right there

I pee blue sometimes


Order now and you will receive a bonus collection of Sampson Adonis McGhee's cherished love songs. Curl up with your special someone to romantic tunes like:

Once knew me a lady with a pecker

That dog'll lick it if you use peanut butter

Scabies of the heart

Kick me down the stairs and I'll still come back to you


Don't delay, be the first on your block to own Sampson Adonis McGhee's Greatest Hits Collection today!

States of mind following March Madness

April Angst

May Malaise

June Jaded

July Joy

August Apathy

September Sanguinity

October Obsession

November Nightmares

December Dread

January Jitters

February Fretting

That kind of crap might fly at the San Antonio Big Al's XXX Emporium, but it sure as heck aint gonna fly here.

I think you know why I called you in here today. Son, when you became a member of the Austin Big Al's XXX Emporium family last month, you joined a proud tradition of quality salesmanship and top-notch customer service. There's a reason folks go out of their way to come to our store for their adult pleasure needs, and we aim to keep it that way.
Just last week I saw you sell a customer the Jenna Jameson Talking Rubber Vagina without even recommending the add-on anus attachment! Up selling is 90% of our business! Not to mention it took you two minutes of reading the box just to figure out what batteries the dang thing takes. You should know each and every product in this store like the back of your own willie!
Now lets move on to your mopping skills. Frankly, the job you do cleaning out the yank rooms in the nudie booths leaves something to be desired. I want those benches sparkling! You should be able to eat off that glass! If a customer comes in and sits in what's left of the puddle that the guy before him left, it tends to ruin the moment, ya know?
Last, but certainly not least, my lovely wife Darlene has caught you peeping down her blouse on more than one occasion. I'll tell you this once and once only, son. Darlene is the apple of my eye. If I catch you eyein' her up again, you and me are gonna tussle. And you don't want that, I can assure you.
So straighten up and fly right, before you find yourself slinging cock rings and anal beads to queers down at the Eden's Dungeon over on 5th. I'm sure they'd love a fancy little piece of meat like you.

Citizens of Earth:

We come in the spirit of peace and capitalism.

For many cycles we have monitored your electronic communications from our own distant galaxy. The time has come for us to visit your honorable civilization before we miss out on some great offers.

We do not know what a penis is, but the importance of increasing the length and girth of this device seems to be far too important to ignore. We would also like to acquire the Viagra upgrade for the added bonus of satisfying her all night long, an activity that sounds most pleasurable. How generous of you to offer this deal without a prescription, as we seem to be lacking such a document.

In addition, with interest rates so low it seems that we would be quite foolish not to refinance our mortgage. If our credit score has anything to do with our advancements in science and technology, then we should qualify for prime low monthly payments.

Finally, please tell Mr. Hasid Umbato that we would be delighted to assist him with extricating the funds from our (previously unknown) deceased relative's estate. It is indeed tragic that a member of our clan died while we were unaware of his mission on your planet. We are unfamiliar with the concept of a cashier's check, but we have many precious treasures that we would be willing to disburse to your business partner once we have collected our share of the funds.

We thank you, Earthmen, for passing these wonderful savings on to our fair planet. We hope that someday we will be able to repay this generosity. As a small token of our appreciation, please accept these Dale Earnhardt commemorative plates, which we have been assured are guaranteed to increase in value.

Oh, one more thing, is it too late to get a free XBox 360?

I suck at being the Antichrist.

Hi, I'm Danny.
I'm sure you've heard the whole story by now. A charming, likeable figure rises to power in an organization with global authority, only to abuse that power and bring about the destruction of the world after all who have committed themselves to Jesus Christ are taken up to heaven and those who are left behind suffer through the End of Days. Yeah, that guy is supposed to be me. I suck at being the Antichrist.
Have you ever seen those History Channel specials about me? The ones where the actor who is supposed to be the Antichrist is dashing, handsome, smartly dressed, and just an all-around together kind of guy? Well as you can see, they were WAY off on that one. I'm 70 pounds overweight, I started balding when I was 16, and I can't afford to buy clothes anywhere but WalMart. Right now I'm the assistant manager at the Kinko's over on Hampshire Boulevard. Not exactly Secretary General of the United Nations, you know?
Its not that I didn't try, I just lack the people skills that are kind of an important part of the whole "winning over the non-believers" plan. And don't even ask about the "Mark of the Beast" thing. I came up with a really cool design once, but the only one who agreed to let me draw it on him was my retarded friend Jerry. The two of us aren't exactly going to be controlling the world economy anytime soon.
I never knew my dad, but I have always had this vague sense that he's really ashamed of me. I don't know if my utter failure as an Antichrist is going to affect the end of the world or not. I've just been plugging along, trying to stay off the radar. When Jesus does come back, I sure hope he doesn't track me down looking for some sort of Final Battle. I don't really know how to fight and I have asthma.
So yeah, that's me, the Antichrist. Pretty disappointing, huh?

Home Buying Tips

Buying a home not only provides your family with safety and shelter, it can also be the foundation on which your future financial security is based. Follow these simple tips to be sure that you make the best decision when owning your own home.

• A good home should be located no more than three miles from the nearest source of weapons, food, and survival accessories. When the zombie plague happens, WalMart will be there for you.
• In the old days, home builders would bury a virgin female in the foundation to give the new home a "soul." When shopping for a new home, the more virgins buried in the basement the better.
• Some neighborhood associations have strict guidelines for what you can and cannot display on your property. If you can't live without flying the Nazi flag every morning, your best bet is probably in the South.
• Pools are an excellent perk to any potential new home, as well as an excellent way to thin the herd of stupid children.
• A good down payment is important to keeping your mortgage manageable. If you are strapped for cash, get creative! You would be surprised how sexual favors can affect closing costs.
• Movies and TV paint a biased picture toward building on Indian burial grounds. A quick rule of thumb: Dead Injuns = Savings!
• Ethnically diverse neighborhoods can be an educational and rewarding place to raise a family. Ethnically diverse, of course, meaning no brown people.
• House boats are the perfect solution for the creepy pervert on the go. If the age of consent laws in your area are not to your liking, you can just haul anchor and head for better pastures!

Less popular game shows

Sponge Bathe the Elderly!

Who Wants to be a Meth Addict?

Win, Lose, or Die

What's the Sex?

Cancer!

Fingers or no Fingers?

The Newly-Widowed Game

The $3.73 Pyramid

Gay, Straight, or Pedophile?

Wheel of Abortion

To Smell the Truth

My neighbor is a sex offender!

Someone at work sent me this link yesterday:

http://www.familywatchdog.us

It is a site where you type in your address and it brings up a Google Maps-style map of your neighborhood with little color coded squares indicating the home and work locations of registered sex offenders. In other words, a fun way to kill a few minutes. So I pop in my address and lo and behold - someone in my building was convicted of Second Degree Sexual Assault! The funny thing is, it wasn't the transvestite hooker who lives upstairs, it wasn't the guy who tried to sell me pot one time when I was taking out my trash, its the guy down the hall from me who seems like the most normal one in the building! He's a pretty nice guy.

My neighbor's little square was color coded green, which on the site means "Other Offense." The red squares on the map mean "Offense against a child." Of course, there just happens to be one of those right around the corner from where I work. Check out this fucker:



This guy just screams "Child Molester!" I didn't need the website to guess that.

I didn't put up my neighbor's picture because the ambiguous nature of his offense earns him some degree of privacy. But that other guy is a child molester dude, so fuck him.

Good old Baltimore!

Even more famous last words

"What this dreary old biker bar needs is a rousing performance of the YMCA!"

"Relax honey, I've picked up dozens of hitchhikers. Look, this one is dressed like a clown!"

"You can't fire the gun after its been underwater. See, look..."

"Now what in the world do you suppose those people are all pointing up in the air and yelling about?"

"Of course its edible. That's why mother nature made it such a bright, attractive color!"

"Sodomize me with a loaded rifle once, shame on you. Sodomize me with a loaded rifle twice, shame on me. Sodomize me with a loaded rifle three times..."

"Those aren't killer bees. Gimme a rock."

"The third rail won't hurt me because I'm wearing rubber underwear."

"If that bear thinks I'm giving up my Hungry Man dinner without a fight, he's got another thing coming!"