Home Buying Tips

Buying a home not only provides your family with safety and shelter, it can also be the foundation on which your future financial security is based. Follow these simple tips to be sure that you make the best decision when owning your own home.

• A good home should be located no more than three miles from the nearest source of weapons, food, and survival accessories. When the zombie plague happens, WalMart will be there for you.
• In the old days, home builders would bury a virgin female in the foundation to give the new home a "soul." When shopping for a new home, the more virgins buried in the basement the better.
• Some neighborhood associations have strict guidelines for what you can and cannot display on your property. If you can't live without flying the Nazi flag every morning, your best bet is probably in the South.
• Pools are an excellent perk to any potential new home, as well as an excellent way to thin the herd of stupid children.
• A good down payment is important to keeping your mortgage manageable. If you are strapped for cash, get creative! You would be surprised how sexual favors can affect closing costs.
• Movies and TV paint a biased picture toward building on Indian burial grounds. A quick rule of thumb: Dead Injuns = Savings!
• Ethnically diverse neighborhoods can be an educational and rewarding place to raise a family. Ethnically diverse, of course, meaning no brown people.
• House boats are the perfect solution for the creepy pervert on the go. If the age of consent laws in your area are not to your liking, you can just haul anchor and head for better pastures!