I suck at being the Antichrist.

Hi, I'm Danny.
I'm sure you've heard the whole story by now. A charming, likeable figure rises to power in an organization with global authority, only to abuse that power and bring about the destruction of the world after all who have committed themselves to Jesus Christ are taken up to heaven and those who are left behind suffer through the End of Days. Yeah, that guy is supposed to be me. I suck at being the Antichrist.
Have you ever seen those History Channel specials about me? The ones where the actor who is supposed to be the Antichrist is dashing, handsome, smartly dressed, and just an all-around together kind of guy? Well as you can see, they were WAY off on that one. I'm 70 pounds overweight, I started balding when I was 16, and I can't afford to buy clothes anywhere but WalMart. Right now I'm the assistant manager at the Kinko's over on Hampshire Boulevard. Not exactly Secretary General of the United Nations, you know?
Its not that I didn't try, I just lack the people skills that are kind of an important part of the whole "winning over the non-believers" plan. And don't even ask about the "Mark of the Beast" thing. I came up with a really cool design once, but the only one who agreed to let me draw it on him was my retarded friend Jerry. The two of us aren't exactly going to be controlling the world economy anytime soon.
I never knew my dad, but I have always had this vague sense that he's really ashamed of me. I don't know if my utter failure as an Antichrist is going to affect the end of the world or not. I've just been plugging along, trying to stay off the radar. When Jesus does come back, I sure hope he doesn't track me down looking for some sort of Final Battle. I don't really know how to fight and I have asthma.
So yeah, that's me, the Antichrist. Pretty disappointing, huh?