Citizens of Earth:

We come in the spirit of peace and capitalism.

For many cycles we have monitored your electronic communications from our own distant galaxy. The time has come for us to visit your honorable civilization before we miss out on some great offers.

We do not know what a penis is, but the importance of increasing the length and girth of this device seems to be far too important to ignore. We would also like to acquire the Viagra upgrade for the added bonus of satisfying her all night long, an activity that sounds most pleasurable. How generous of you to offer this deal without a prescription, as we seem to be lacking such a document.

In addition, with interest rates so low it seems that we would be quite foolish not to refinance our mortgage. If our credit score has anything to do with our advancements in science and technology, then we should qualify for prime low monthly payments.

Finally, please tell Mr. Hasid Umbato that we would be delighted to assist him with extricating the funds from our (previously unknown) deceased relative's estate. It is indeed tragic that a member of our clan died while we were unaware of his mission on your planet. We are unfamiliar with the concept of a cashier's check, but we have many precious treasures that we would be willing to disburse to your business partner once we have collected our share of the funds.

We thank you, Earthmen, for passing these wonderful savings on to our fair planet. We hope that someday we will be able to repay this generosity. As a small token of our appreciation, please accept these Dale Earnhardt commemorative plates, which we have been assured are guaranteed to increase in value.

Oh, one more thing, is it too late to get a free XBox 360?