Superman's Itinerary for May 31, 2007

6:00 am - Wake up early to watch Wonder Woman sleep for a while with X-Ray vision.

8:00 am - Remember to mention that Batman looks heavier in those tights at breakfast, continue pushing for eating disorder.

9:00 am - Work out at gym, keep a low profile. Clark Kent cannot be seen lifting 700 pounds.

10:30 am - Extra long shower in locker room. No need for low profile, Clark Kent's Super-Dong should be enjoyed by all.

11:15 am - Read paper over latte at Starbucks, try to angle front page story so anyone walking by can see that Clark Kent wrote it.

12:00 pm - Start workday off light, warm fists up on a few petty thugs.

1:30 pm - Lunch with Lois at Viccino's, make a fuss over her manicure for possible BJ points.

2:30 pm - Throw down with whatever Evil Genius/Monster/Alien/Foreigners happen to be causing trouble today.

6:00 pm - Cook dinner for entire Justice League. Make a point of explaining Batman's portion made with special "Low Fat" ingredients.

8:00 pm - Gilmore Girls

9:00 pm - Wonder Woman takes her bubble bath.

10:00 pm - Take out post bath-watching boner on Lois' cornhole.

11:30 pm - Hit the sack after a few chapters of Harry Potter.

Less popular candy products

Whatthemafuckit?!?

Hershey's Squirts

Beets n' Stuff

Black Tar Licorice

Goo Drops

Peanut Clusterfuck

Cherry Chocolate Fetuses

Toe Lickers

Blister Pops

Uncle Norman's Creamy Surprise

Jokes for slow kids

q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
a: Doodoo!

q: What is black, white, and red all over?
a: Peepee!

q: Knock knock.
a: Who's there?
q: Orange.
a: Orange who?
q: Wiener!

q: Why did the boy throw his alarm clock out the window?
a: It was the only way he knew how to express his frustration with a world that he constantly struggles to understand.

Commercial Sitcom Mania!

Following the unexpected massive success of the sitcom based on the Geico Cavemen commercials, insurance companies everywhere scrambled to turn their advertising mascots into the next big ratings smash. Here is a look at some of the new shows premiering next season:

Tom Gecko, Attorney At Law - Everyone's favorite lizard, the Geico Gecko, is the hottest prosecuting attorney in New York City thanks to his easygoing charm and friendly demeanor. Tom Gecko puts the bad guys in jail and teaches us all a little lesson about life each week.

My Name is Erin - Rather than expand on the thrilling spy adventures of Erin Esurance each week, the company decided to take more of a "Sex and the City" approach. Erin sleeps her way through every single guy in New York City, never realizing that her true love is the man who follows her like a faithful puppy.

Cheese N' Quackers - This delightful family show stars the AFLAC Duck as a single father of three juggling the pressures of raising his children right while running the struggling New York City Cheese Store that has been in his family for generations. Each new customer promises a zany adventure!

Good Hands - Allstate's kind hearted motto is fully realized as a pair of mysterious giant hands that descend from the sky and help various New York City residents in their time of need. In the unforgettable pilot episode, the titular hands rescue a baby from a burning rooftop, catch a jewel thief before he can escape, and provide shade for a busload of senior citizens during a trip to Central Park on a hot day.

These wonderful programs are only the beginning. Tune in this fall to see more of your favorite commercial characters in ways you've never imagined!

Why is Jack so desperate to return to the island?

• A hot piece of ass like Juliette is hard to find these days.
• The island gave him mysterious powers such as "not being addicted to painkillers."
• He forgot his keys.
• There are dramatically less car accidents.
• Nobody understands him and everyone else is stupid.
• He never finished carving that really cool slot car track.
• He has been training intensely and finally feels ready to take down Hurley in Ping Pong.
• He accidentally left his favorite watch inside of Ben.
• Kate in a bikini.

Jeb Anderson, Notary Public

No affidavit too trivial! No declaration too statutory! He roams the rough streets of Freedom City, Pennsylvania, in the pursuit of authentication! He is...



JEB ANDERSON, NOTARY PUBLIC!



We begin on a peaceful spring evening as husbands return home from work and wives put the finishing touches on a world class dinner. SUDDENLY - A piercing scream shatters the calm! A young damsel in distress has just opened a letter from the local Constabulary.

DAMSEL: "Official seal by Notary Public?!?" What am I to do???

With a triumphant shout Jeb Anderson, Notary Public swoops in to save the day!

JEB: Have no fear, Madam, Jeb Anderson is here! With my Seal of Justice, I can authenticate that document!

DAMSEL: Oh thank you, kind stranger. I don't know what I would have done without you!

With a mighty CLANK, Jeb Anderson affixes his Official Seal to the document, thereby saving the day!

DAMSEL: How can I ever repay you?

JEB: Just remember to call my name whenever you need the services of a Notary Public. Oh, and that will be $7.50.

DAMSEL: Bless you, Jeb Anderson!

Once again our fair city is safe, thanks to....

JEB ANDERSON, NOOOOOTARY PUUUUUUUUBLIIIIIIC!!!!

Less popular comic books

Stunning Tales of Animal Husbandry

Captain Etiquette

Jeb Anderson, Notary Public

Adventures in Dental Hygiene

The Astonishing Maggot Man

General Packer and his Furious Fighting Fudge Brigade

Star Wars: The Political Career of Jar Jar Binks

True Stories of Teenage Abstinence

Ha ha ha! Suckers!

What a thing of beauty! No one expected me, The Grey Goose, to cash in my "Money In the Bank" guarantee to take the championship!

How they all fought so hard, spending every last bit of energy to beat each other senseless. And when all was said and done, Hamster emerged from the steel cage victorious, barely able to stand under his own power. And that was when I struck! My Wings of Wrath were more than enough to put the Hamstermaniac down for the count. Now I am the champion of the world!

There are those who might say that I stole the belt, but I say that's just jealousy. I won the title fair and square by outsmarting everyone else.

All hail The Grey Goose and the beginning of his glorious reign as World Champion! Goose power!

Rage in the Cage!!!

Live, this Sunday, on Pay Per View, the World Wrestling Corporation presents a Fatal Four-Way Steel Cage match for the Heavyweight Championship of the world!

Watch as the Flying Ferret defends the title against three fearsome opponents: Hamster the Hamstermaniac, Captain Turtle, and Muskrat the Giant!

Special guest referees Bucky "The Intimidator" Beaver and The Marvelous Mongoose will be on hand to call the match.

Don't miss the wrestling event of the century! Sunday, Sunday, Sunday, live on Pay Per View!

Be there!

The Hamstermaniac don't care who the referee is!

Either way, brother, it's gonna be me walking out of the arena with that title.

So bring it on, whoever you want. Beaver, Mongoose, Alligator, Emu, Platypus, nothin' is gonna stop the Hamster from running wild! And once I get that belt around my waist, there aint gonna be no takin' me down.

Hamstermania will live forever!

Ferret lies!!!!

Muskrat is not friends with Beaver, Muskrat hate Beaver! Beaver betrayed Muskrat and stole Muskrat's mate. Muskrat want revenge on Beaver!

Muskrat thinks Ferret is friends with Mongoose! Muskrat has seen Ferret whispering with Mongoose and being sneaky. Ferret is always sneaky! Don't let sneaky Ferret have sneaky friend Mongoose as referee!

Muskrat is strongest!

This is an outrage!

With all due respect, Chairman Rabbit, I must disagree with your choice of guest referee for the title match that you so ably created.

I happen to know that the Beaver has been in cahoots with the Muskrat for quite some time, and I'll be darned if I'm going to let myself be cheated from a fair defense of my championship.

Please consider a more partial guest referee to ensure that things stay on the up and up. Might I suggest The Marvelous Mongoose? He has a fine reputation for being true and fair. I feel that he would be a perfect choice to officiate such an important event.

Now hold on just a minute!

I'm the Chairman around here, and as the boss I get to make the matches.

You've all made some good points about why you deserve a shot at the title. So I'm here tonight to announce that live, this Sunday, there will be a fatal four-way match for the world championship belt!

Futhermore, it is my great pleasure to reveal the special guest referee for this historic match - none other than 17-time world champion Bucky "The Intimidator" Beaver!

You have less than a week to prepare, gentlemen. May the best creature win.

Not if I have anything to say about it!

Poor Muskrat, your memory is as spotty as your skill in the ring. Let us not forget that it was I who bested you in our match before you were so cravenly attacked from behind by that infernal Ferret at Wrestlemania. If anyone deserves a shot at the title, it is Captain Turtle.

Foolish Ferret, your flying back-breaker will prove useless against my rock like shell. I will wear you down with my legendary patience and make you tap out with my figure four leg lock. The fans will scream the name Captain Turtle as I rightfully claim the championship belt!

I put forth this decree to all future challengers: Captain Turtle does not back down from a fight. I plan on defending the championship belt until the day I decide to step down. Flying Ferret, I demand that you step into the ring so that I may claim what is mine.

MUSKRAT IS STRONGEST!!!

Stupid Hamster and Ferret think they so tough, but Muskrat will SMASH!

Sneaky Ferret hit Muskrat from behind in locker room before Wrestlemania. Muskrat should be champion, not Ferret! Muskrat challenges Ferret to match, Muskrat deserves belt more than Hamster! Muskrat will destroy Ferret, then destroy Hamster! Then Muskrat will be king!

Come out and fight weak little Ferret. Muskrat guarantee you lose!

The Flying Ferret fears no one!

I have heard your challenge, Hamster, and I tell you this: I fight who I want, when I want! You can stomp and sputter all you like, but the simple truth is that I am the champion and I will defend my title when I decide a worthy opponent has come forward.

It was a delicious moment, humiliating you in front of all of your pea-brained "Hamstermaniacs" at Wrestlemania. Oh how they cried for their fallen hero when I split your head open with that steel chair. The look of utter shock and defeat on your face is one I shall cherish forever.

You may have the brawn, Hamster, but the brains clearly belong to me. If I were to grant you your precious rematch it would only serve as a reminder that I am indeed the greatest of all time, and that you are not suited to so much as polish my boots.

There will be no match today, Hamster, but perhaps if I am feeling charitable in the future I may allow another comic attempt on your part to pin me and reclaim the belt. Until that day, I shall remain content with my superiority, no matter how many challenges your foul mouth may utter.

Whatchoo gonna do when the Hamster runs wild on you, brother?

Last weekend at Wrestlemania I was embarrassed by the cowardly actions of the Flying Ferret. I'm here to tell you now, brother, that I plan on settling the score tonight right here in this ring!

I'm calling you out, Ferret, me and the pythons are gonna make you wish you never left your momma's den. You stole that championship belt from me and I will be taking it back!

I'm going to stomp you 'till you squeal, brother. I'm going to slap you into next week. I will send you to the hospital with my atomic leg drop, and that's a guarantee.

So get out here and take your medicine, Ferret, or are you too gutless to face me like a rodent? One thing is for sure, Hamstermania is alive and well, brother! Come and get some!

Variances on "Good Cop / Bad Cop"

Coke Cop / Pepsi Cop

Gay Cop / Really Gay Cop

Transformers Cop / Go Bots Cop

Sean Connery Cop / Roger Moore Cop

Lost Cop / Heroes Cop

Spit Cop / Swallow Cop

Tastes Great Cop / Less Filling Cop

Batman Would Beat Wolverine in a Fight Cop / No Way Wolverine Would Totally Kick Batman's Ass in a Fight Cop

No funny today...

Of course, some may argue that there is never any funny, but anyway...

If you happen to be in Baltimore during the next few weeks check out my friend Cory Donovan's photography showing at Dougherty's Pub in Mount Vernon. It's called "Reflections in Mylar" and it just may give you the willies. And if the kids are misbehaving bring them on by, it will straighten them out but good.

To check out Cory's work pay a visit to http:www.corydonovan.com

Just don't do it before bed!

State of the Death Ray address

Greeting, minions. It is I, your beloved master Dr. Nogoodnik. I wish to address today a number of growing concerns regarding the ongoing Death Ray project and its importance to my overall plan of world domination.

First of all, for various time and budget considerations, I was not able to scour the globe to select the most brilliant scientific minds to assist in completing my grand design. In fact, I hired most of you right out of various community colleges and trade schools. I have tried to give you all the benefit of the doubt given your lack of experience and questionable technical know how, but honestly people, six years behind schedule? I begin to wonder if a high school metal shop class would have made better progress by now. I'll admit that it was relatively exciting and quite amusing when you managed to engineer a ray that vaporized pants. We all had a good laugh when you zapped Stevenson's trousers off while he gave his speech at the Christmas party, but that was three years ago! The ray is still nowhere near the required level of lethality and our replacement uniform costs are getting out of hand.

Speaking of costs, when I offered a generous employee health plan I did so with the intent of providing peace of mind while you went about your work completing my vision. What I did not anticipate was over 80 claims a month. I had this facility constructed beneath an active volcano with the primary concern of security. The complex is designed with an emphasis on efficiency and worker safety. Perhaps if you spent more time completing the task at hand and less time racing forklifts through the magma processing chambers there wouldn't be quite so many accidents.

Finally, I wish to address a sickening rumor that has been brought to my attention. It seems that some of you in the absence of female companionship have turned to knowing your fellow man a little too intimately. That kind of......shameful tomfoolery is strictly forbidden and will be punished by the most severe of consequences. I forbade women from this facility because their feeble brains cannot comprehend the sheer genius of my diabolical plans, and because they provide too much of a distraction with their short skirts and bountiful cleavage. I manage to keep myself focused through strict discipline and willpower, I expect you to do the same.

Hear this minions, upon completion of my Death Ray I will be the most powerful man in the world. You would do well to stay on my good side. Together, we will rule this pathetic planet and wallow in everything that our hearts desire, just finish the stupid thing already! You may now go back to work.

Oh, and tomorrow is a casual day. No flip flops as usual.

Senior citizen porn stars

Ben Gay

Chastity MedicAlert

Saggy Aggie

Clovis "The Clapper" Johnson

Al Tzhammer

Gertie Gumms

Rock Hipbreaker

Dottie Depends

Gary Goiter

Colostomy Candie

Lies my parents told me

Hiccups are your stomach trying to jump out of your body.

Toys 'R' Us only allows a child one toy per year.

If you eat McDonald's every day you will die. (Although "Supersize Me" may have proven that to be true after all)

If you pinch your nose while chewing you can't taste what you are eating.

Prizes at Chuck E. Cheese's are worthless junk.

Same goes for the prizes in the crane machine.

No one will laugh at your head gear in public.

That new bike won't make you the coolest kid in the neighborhood.

If it isn't snowing, the four wheel drive button will tear the pavement apart.

If they make fun of you then they aren't really your friends.