State of the Death Ray address

Greeting, minions. It is I, your beloved master Dr. Nogoodnik. I wish to address today a number of growing concerns regarding the ongoing Death Ray project and its importance to my overall plan of world domination.

First of all, for various time and budget considerations, I was not able to scour the globe to select the most brilliant scientific minds to assist in completing my grand design. In fact, I hired most of you right out of various community colleges and trade schools. I have tried to give you all the benefit of the doubt given your lack of experience and questionable technical know how, but honestly people, six years behind schedule? I begin to wonder if a high school metal shop class would have made better progress by now. I'll admit that it was relatively exciting and quite amusing when you managed to engineer a ray that vaporized pants. We all had a good laugh when you zapped Stevenson's trousers off while he gave his speech at the Christmas party, but that was three years ago! The ray is still nowhere near the required level of lethality and our replacement uniform costs are getting out of hand.

Speaking of costs, when I offered a generous employee health plan I did so with the intent of providing peace of mind while you went about your work completing my vision. What I did not anticipate was over 80 claims a month. I had this facility constructed beneath an active volcano with the primary concern of security. The complex is designed with an emphasis on efficiency and worker safety. Perhaps if you spent more time completing the task at hand and less time racing forklifts through the magma processing chambers there wouldn't be quite so many accidents.

Finally, I wish to address a sickening rumor that has been brought to my attention. It seems that some of you in the absence of female companionship have turned to knowing your fellow man a little too intimately. That kind of......shameful tomfoolery is strictly forbidden and will be punished by the most severe of consequences. I forbade women from this facility because their feeble brains cannot comprehend the sheer genius of my diabolical plans, and because they provide too much of a distraction with their short skirts and bountiful cleavage. I manage to keep myself focused through strict discipline and willpower, I expect you to do the same.

Hear this minions, upon completion of my Death Ray I will be the most powerful man in the world. You would do well to stay on my good side. Together, we will rule this pathetic planet and wallow in everything that our hearts desire, just finish the stupid thing already! You may now go back to work.

Oh, and tomorrow is a casual day. No flip flops as usual.