Overheard conversations at the Monster Mash

Dracula: "Don't look now Frank, but I think your wife had a few too many again."
Frankenstein: "Aw hell, every goddam time. Honey!"
Mrs. Frankenstein: "Blllllaaaaaaargggghhhhh!"
Frankenstein: "Aw fer christ's sake, right in the punch bowl. Everybody, stay away from the - Wolfman! Stop eating that! That's disgusting!"

Drummer: "You know, we started the Crypt-Kicker Five to get away from all that sellout bullshit and play real music."
Backup Singer: "Totally man."
Drummer: "Then little Mr. Prima Donna starts whining 'whatever happened to my Transylvania Twist?' and BAM! We're right back to doing these low rent party gigs."
Backup Singer: "At least we don't have to deal with Yoko Harker anymore. Man, what a pain in the ass that was."

Mummy: "Seriously, I really think we have a connection here."
Female Zombie: "Mmm hmm."
Mummy: "Do you maybe want to hang out somewhere after? I know this great little place that serves really good pie until 3am."
Female Zombie: "Right...right. I'm sorry, what? Look, do you think you could go get me another drink? I told my boyfriend I'd meet him here by the bog and I don't want to miss him."
Mummy: "Oh....Um....Yeah ok. Boyfriend?"
Female Zombie: "Yeah, his name's Chet."
Mummy: "Ah...I'll be right back then."

Creature from the Black Lagoon: "Here we go with that stupid song again."
Dr. Jekyll: "I swear to god if Sheila tries to drag me on the dance floor with all of those other assholes I will punch her in the face."
Creature from the Black Lagoon: "Didn't you sprain your ankle doing the Electric Slide at Frank's wedding?"
Dr. Jekyll: "Fuck you."

Most popular dog names: 2006

Male

Cooter
Scrubs
Chauncey
Purple
Jerry
Mr. Fiddlesticks
Samoa Steve

Female

Scabia
Brittney
Empress Ms. Doggietums
Butch
Penelope
Shasta McSweetie
Robocop

Personality profiles based on choice of Halloween costume

Pirate - Congratulations! You have no personality whatsoever. You either chose this costume based on all of those "most popular costume" articles, or you grabbed the first thing you saw when you walked into Rite Aid. You have a deep-seeded need to fit in and be liked.

Plastic Vampire Fangs - You don't want to go to the trouble of dressing up, but you don't want to pay a cover charge for being without costume. The classic vampire fangs, perhaps coupled with a shirt that's just a little gay for that full Eurotrash effect, hints at a desire to coast through life doing as little as possible.

Fireman - Dude, 9/11 was five years ago. Stop trying to get laid with the fireman getup.

Hilarious T-Shirt that says "Costume" - Not as lazy as the fangs, but much more insufferably ironic. A definite sign that you believe you are far more clever than you really are.

Hooker - You get one night a year to dress how you would always dress were it not socially frowned upon. Daddy issues, plain and simple.

Drag Queen - You're not fooling anyone, buddy. We all know what that's about.

Ridiculously Elaborate Costume - You are determined to win that contest, no matter how your choice of costume may discomfort you and limit your mobility. Around the two-hour mark you will inevitably realize that you forgot to plan on how you would go to the bathroom. A desperate need for attention coupled with an overachiever complex.

Spongebob Squarepants - Oh god, you're one of those people. Move along.

Adult Baby - See Hooker/Drag Queen.

Superfan - Decked out from head to toe in your favorite team's memorabilia. It might be more convincing if everyone didn't already know that you dress like that every Sunday.

Bettie Page - You are a lovely, wonderful woman who blesses the very room with her presence.

Sequel pitches that didn't quite make the grade

"The Princess Diaries 3: Royal Knockup" - Following Anne Hathaway's surprisingly sleazy turn in Havoc, producers scrambled to fit her newly adult image into the money-making franchise. The treatment called for an unplanned pregnancy, scandal, paternity test hijinks, bumbling back alley abortion doctors, and a heartwarming lesson about abstinence. Production halted after real life pregnancy scare.

"Babe: Pig in the White House" - The proposed third installment in the series found everyone's favorite talking pig running the nation with his barnyard friends at his side. The first draft script borrowed liberally from "Animal Farm," sometimes to nearly plagiaristic levels. Ultimately scrapped for fear of Red State backlash.

"Titanic 2" - In a shameless attempt to cash in on the J-Horror craze, the sequel found Rose haunted by the waterlogged ghost of her lost love Jack. The thrilling conclusion found Rose leading a hardened team of Navy S.E.A.L.S. to the bottom of the sea to replace the Heart of the Ocean diamond and put Jack's spirit at peace. Quickly written off after James Cameron flew into a rage killed the craft services girl when he crashed the set on the first day of principal photography.

"Thelma and Louise: The Awakening" - Originally a project of interest for Paul Verhoeven, this prequel documented the initial friendship and eventual steamy lesbian love affair between the title characters. Abandoned when Geena Davis passed on the film to star in "Cutthroat Island."

"Big Women" - A sassy update of the classic "Little Women," the film was to star such plus-sized favorites as Rosie O'Donnell, Camryn Manheim, Mo'nique, and Roseanne Barr. Cancelled after multiple failures to secure a shooting lot large enough to accommodate each of the star's "personalities."

"Hellraiser: The Search for Pinhead's Gold" - Attempting to overcome the stagnation of the revered horror franchise, executives ordered a more family friendly installment. HTSFPG followed a young gang of hip youths as they searched for a legendary treasure underneath their high school, never suspecting that the janitor with the skin condition was not who he appeared to be. Revenue support was withdrawn after a series of freak accidents on set claimed the lives of three of the hottest up and coming teen stars.

More words of advice that my grandfather might have given me

"If you can't beat 'em, rape 'em."

"Never look a redhead in the eye, that only provokes them."

"You'll catch more cats with quicksand than with procrastination."

"A round of Russian Roulette a day keeps the doctor away."

"Don't screw during an eclipse. They have weird powers then."

"Loose lips killed Jesus."

"Spare the fireplace poker and spoil the child."

"Women are like aircraft carriers. When you figure out why you are ready to be a man."

Overlooked Obituaries

Harold "Two Shoes" Wallace, 97, Freedom Fighter, Inventor, Falconer

Harold Wallace was born into great wealth in the Vermont countryside to parents Theodore and Esther Wallace. Eschewing his opulent lifestyle at the tender age of five, Harold set off to make his fortune in the blossoming candied beets industry. It was during this time that Harold would come up with the first of his many inventions, the steam-powered beet press.
Harold rose to the rank of beet king until the market crash of 1929, when the ensuing Great Depression drastically lowered the nation's demand for sugar coated delights. He spent the following decade in exile, unsuccessfully working to perfect what would ultimately be his greatest contribution to humanity. Frustrated by his failure and eager for a change of pace, Harold signed up and shipped off to fight the Nazis as part of the Fightin' Forty-Ninth.
Seven Congressional Medals of Honor, three Purple Hearts, and one prosthetic elbow later, Harold came back to the States with a renewed sense of purpose.
He started the Wallace School of Beekeeping and Accounting in 1947. The school quickly branched out to 15 locations worldwide and remained popular until the Honey Pot scandal of 1961.
Discouraged, but not defeated, Harold retreated to the sanctuary of the wild rainforests of the Amazon. There he taught native tribes another of his true passions, the gentleman's game of slap ball. In 1965 he met the woman with whom he would spend the rest of his life with, N'Gatch'ku (later changed to Gertrude). The happy couple returned to the U.S. to be married on the site of the battle of Saratoga, a Wallace family tradition.
With Gertrude's love and support, Harold returned to his greatest work. After toiling for twenty years and nearly depleting his vast family fortune, he was finally ready to unveil his triumph to the world. The Wallace Mechanical Shoe Organizer was an instant smash, forever changing the way the civilized world stored its footwear.
Harold spent his golden years happily retired in the company of his beautiful wife, his children, and 30 grandchildren. As he slipped peacefully into death, his unforgettable last words were "I hope the man upstairs needs a shoe organizer."
Harold Wallace is survived by his wife Gertrude, his sons Ricky, Tommy, Bobby, and Julito, his wonderful grandchildren, and his faithful Peregrine Falcon, Dimples.

Kids ask the darndest things!

"Daddy, what does 'two in the pink, one in the stink' mean?"

"Mommy, how come Jesus doesn't like me?"

"Daddy, why did you touch Carlos's bottom when mommy was at work?"

"Mommy, who controls all the money in the world?"

"Daddy, why did those men take my bed away?"

"Mommy, why don't you yell for God in your room at night anymore?"

So you've decided to quit smoking...

Congratulations! We know how hard it can be to finally kick the habit, whether you've been lighting up for 20 years or 20 minutes. This guide is meant to help you control your cravings by engaging in time-tested techniques and activities proven to shake the monkey off your back for good. Follow these steps and the road to a smoke-free life will be that much smoother:

1. Find a hobby
As the old saying goes, "Idle hands are the devil's playground." Keep those fingers occupied with fun projects! Do you like to cook? A productive day in the kitchen will help to pack on those healthy post-smoker pounds even faster! Have a fancy for the girl next door? Hours spent outside of her window with your camera will make you forget all about your little nicotine friends. Bonus - you can turn the fruits of your labor into a scrapbook for even more hobby fun!

2. Hard Labor
Sure, right now you couldn't swing a pick axe more than twice without collapsing to the ground gasping for breath, but if you keep it up, you'll eventually be your town's own John Henry! Save thousands and dig your own grave! Appease your god and build a massive temple! Hold the community hostage by constructing your own dam across the only water supply! Remember - the more black stuff you cough up the harder you are trying!

3. Hypnosis
Not everyone believes in this method, but there are those who swear by it. Most accredited hypnotherapists are experts in eliminating all cigarette cravings from your mind. Some will even replace it with a new skill, like welding or mail fraud! Quick Tip - if you come out of your hypnosis session and find that your pants are undone, don't fret. That's just an old trick to help the body maintain a constant state of relaxation. Like grampa Jack after Thanksgiving dinner!

4. Acupuncture
Harness the power of the mysteries of the Orient with this new age remedy. Those afraid of needles should take advantage of their particular acupuncture salon's "happy ending special" to help soothe the nerves. Money Saving Hint - don't feel like ponying up $60 for a professional session? Why not do it yourself? Nothing kills cravings like a sewing needle through the scrotum!

5. Family
No one can provide the love and support to get you through this difficult trial like those closest to you. Spend a lovely day at the park with the kids and enjoy the fresh air and renewed lung power while you bellow at little Timmy to leave the kid in the wheelchair alone for the ninth time. Go and visit great aunt Agatha in the rest home. After one of her rambling four-hour stories, you'll be far more likely to put a gun in your mouth than a cigarette! Warning - spend as little time with your spouse or significant other during this period as possible. Quitting smoking increases blood flow as well as the libido. As we all know, the post-coitus smoke is the hardest one to give up.

We hope that these tips help guide you on your way to a healthier, better life. Now get up, throw that pack away, and the next five dollars you spend could be on a good old fashioned back alley handjob!

Tongue Twister Fun!

Sally's sloppy seconds scored Sammy scorching syphilis

Tiny Tina's tampon tainted Tony's tortellini

Peter's pecker puckered poking Patty's pampered pooper

Bessie's blessed baby born bouncing boy but blue

Kinky Katie's kindness keeps killing Kylie's karma

The bitter end

Dear John,

After having put up with you for nearly ten years, I have finally decided to leave you. If this comes as a surprise to you, allow me to document just a few of the uncountable ways in which you have made me miserable during the course of our marriage.
For starters, your personal hygiene has descended to the level of near-caveman. I thought I had seen the worst when your toenail popped the air mattress at my sister's house last summer. But, in typical fashion, you had to go and outdo yourself once more when you had the same gravy stain on the back of your neck for eight days. Quietly and with growing horror I stared at it day after day, almost wondering if you had a birthmark that I had somehow never noticed, until that merciful rainy day when you forgot your umbrella.
That problem could have been solved with simple confrontation and constant monitoring, but I'm afraid our problems in the bedroom are a lost cause. I consider myself to be a fairly open minded woman who does not shy away from her wifely duties. I do not, however, believe your request that I squeeze a tube of cookie dough into your rectum while you cry into a bowl of hamster food falls into the realm of wifely duties. Nor was the clown makeup you insisted I wear during your last birthday blowjob. And while your rarely-functioning two inch member has never been enough to satisfy me, wrapping it with bacon just made things worse.
Finally, I do harbor one small shred of concern that your childlike spending habits will ultimately lead to your eventual homelessness and death by starvation without me around to keep an eye on things and pay the bills. What grown man needs a copy of every version of "Dr. Goldfoot and the Bikini Machine," especially when he owns neither a Betamax or Laserdisc player? I won't even get into the stuffed animal collection, the pipe organ that you never learned to play, the animatronic Chuck E. Cheese band in the garage, the full scale replica model of the containment unit thing from "Ghostbusters," or those creepy Real Dolls that you keep searching for on Ebay. (Yes, your browsing habits are another cause for grief, but that would be a whole other letter.)
So, for these and for many, many other reasons, I've decided to part ways with you and start a new life. Please do not attempt to change my mind or win me back, there can be no other solution.

Best of luck,

Jane






Dear Jane,

Does your niece Sally still have a boyfriend?

Your pal,

John

How Morrissey may have committed suicide if Elliott Smith hadn't stolen his thunder

Pierced his own heart with the thorn from a long stem rose thrown onstage by a man.
Slit his wrists in a bath tub filled with his own tears.
Allowed himself to be overcome by his own beauty.
Lacquered his hair to toxic levels.
Locked himself in a closet until the ennui was too much to bear.
Starved to death during a staring contest with a mirror.
Crushed under the weight of a giant sign spelling his name out in pink neon.

* Many thanks to my wonderfully demented sweetie for her contributions to this piece. :-*

Not so famous last words

"If I die, then I will die like a man. Or like a closet transsexual, whichever seems more appropriate."

"Tell my ferret I love her very much."

"I bet you twenty bucks I can outrun that Emu."

"Your knife collection is such a turn on!"

"Hey, any of you homeboys know how to get to the Klan rally?"

"Which part does the bullet come out of?"

"They can take our lives, but they can never take our erotic 'Doctor Quinn, Medicine Woman' fan fiction!"

"What's the big deal? Its only a baby."

"I wonder if there's a world record for eating thumb tacks?"

"That's it, I'm writing that rock opera about Mohammed no matter how much it offends them!"

Sim games coming soon to a store near you

Sim Crackhead
Players take on the exciting task of scoring that next rock, be it by stealing, killing, or prostituting themselves. Maintain your crack den and avoid the police for hours of educational fun!

Sim Sandwich
You make the decisions! Ham? Bologna? One slice or two? What kind of bread? The combinations are limitless!

Sim Veal Calf
Don't struggle in your dark pen too much or you will lose points on your deliciousness factor. Better slurp down more of that formula, anemia equals game over!

Sim Celebrity Handler
Uh oh, Lindsey accidentally flashed her hoo-ha again! Careful, Nicole is about to crumble into dust! Watch out, Paris just swallowed a whole bottle of Laxatives! Are you up to the challenge?

Sim Blogger
Crazy ranting about 9/11 or banal minutiae about your hangnail? Sit obsessively for hours formulating fantastic theories about every IP address logged into your stat tracker. Fight the temptation to click your own Google ads. You'll be famous one day - or will you?

Correspondence replies from Celebrities Part 2

Dear Junior Detective Crimestoppers Club,

I thank you for your generous offer to investigate my ex-wife's murder on a pro bono basis. I must graciously decline, however, because I can assure you that the matter is in good hands. I have personally scoured the globe to find the finest investigative minds to assist in finding "the real killers." Though it has been 12 long years since that terrible night, my team has pieced together an extensive web of evidence and motive that gets more intriguing by the day. While I can't tell you who the primary suspects are at this time, I can assure you that it goes deep. When I am finally able to announce the identities of the persons responsible for this most heinous of crimes, the resulting shockwaves through the community will undoubtedly cause mass public outcry declaring my innocence and praising my tireless efforts to see this murder solved once and for all.

I'm sure that your crime lab is top notch in every respect. I ask that you please refrain from reexamining any of the forensics evidence found at the crime scene, as children such as yourselves should not be handling blood samples or looking at pictures of mangled bodies. Its not that I doubt your detective skills, I just think that you should stick to investigating cases such as cookies disappearing from the cookie jar until you're a little older.

Finally, if little Billy Pendleton who lives down the street from you claims that he knows who did it, he is telling a fib. Please provide Billy's address, description, school schedule, and favorite hangouts. I will arrange to meet with the boy and have a talk with him about the dangers of telling lies.

Enclosed please find an autographed picture for your clubhouse wall.

Best Regards,

"The Juice"
Orenthal James Simpson

Childhood games of old...

Smear the Queer

Spike the Dike

Whammy the Tranny

Skew the Jew

Guard the Tard

Sink the Chink

Kick the Mick

Nail the Whale

Moon the Coon

Bop the Wop

Whacka the Cracka

Little known facts about Kirk Cameron

• Found Jesus in a mustard stain on a dead hooker's anus.
• Tried to eat Corey Haim to "consume his essence," ended up with pink eye.
• After the wild success of the "Secrets of the Back to the Future Trilogy" video, went on to star in the less popular "Secrets of the Apu Trilogy."
• Served briefly as the U.S. Ambassador to Cameroon, barely made it out of the country alive after a poor translation of the phrase "Two thumbs up."
• Defeated Alan Thicke in a tickling contest, won the right to mate with TV mom Joanna Kerns.
• Doesn't particularly want you to rub his stomach for luck, but wouldn't really mind it if you did.

Words of advice that my grandfather might have given me

"Its not how well you did something, its how cool you looked doing it."

"In a fair fight, I'd rather have a monkey at my back than a Frenchman any day."

"If she can out-wrestle an alligator, marry her."

"Pain killers are for crybabies. Beer fixes everything."

An exclusive interview with Satan!

(Furious Tuscadero) AAAAAH!
(Satan) Relax man, everthing is cool.
(FT) Sorry, its just a little off-putting when someone suddenly appears in a flash of smoke and brimstone. So...what's up?
(S) Not much baby, just checking the scene you know? I've got a lot of free time on my hands these days.
(FT) Really? As messed up as the world is now? I would think that you'd be quite busy with all the shit that's going down.
(S) That's just it man, it aint me! These God folks are the ones messing everything up now, I have nothing to do with it!
(FT) I see. So what have you been up to lately?
(S) Just kind of sitting on the sidelines, waiting to see what happens like everyone else. That and I've taken up quail hunting.
(FT) Oh really? Are there a lot of quail in hell?
(S) You wouldn't believe it man, those are some evil birds.
(FT) Weird. Umm....So....Any big plans?
(S) Listen baby, I'm bored. Lets get some blow and a coupla hookers.
(FT) That's ok....
(S) Come on man, lets get all fucked up and go crazy! I know this one bitch who will let you put it in her pooper for ten bucks!
(FT) That's not really my thing...
(S) You want to just fool around then?
(FT) Dude!
(S) All right, calm down. Never mind. I'm just itching for some kind of action.
(FT) Why did you come to this blog then?
(S) Who do you think gives you all of your ideas?

And with a wink and a smile he vanished, leaving a nasty smell hanging about the room. He didn't seem like a bad guy, just a little starved for attention. I almost feel sorry for him.

Fairy Tales for bad boys and girls

Once upon a time, there was a little bunny named Hoppums. Hoppums loved to play outside, but his mother always warned him never to go out alone. One day Hoppums was so bored that he asked his mother if she would take him out to play. "Not right now," said his mother. "I'm busy making supper." Hoppums knew that he wasn't supposed to go out alone, but he couldn't stand to be inside the house for one more minute. He quietly snuck to the front door and slipped outside. What a glorious day! Hoppums frolicked to and fro, overjoyed that he didn't have to listen for his mother calling him when he got too far away from the house. Hoppums jumped and skipped, sang and danced, and had the best day of his life. Then Hoppums got hit by a car.


Little Timmy was the best baseball player on his team and everyone loved him. When Little Timmy was at the bat, the crowd would cheer his name. The loudest cheers always came from Daddy, because he was the proudest of Little Timmy. When Little Timmy played well, he got to ride in the front seat of the car on the way home and Mommy had to sit in the back. Daddy always talked about how Little Timmy would be a big star one day and make his family a lot of money. One special day, Little Timmy's team was in the championship game. Little Timmy waved to Daddy from his position at third base right before the last pitch of the game. A line drive! The outfielder caught it after one bounce and threw it as hard as he could to Little Timmy just as the runner headed to third. Unfortunately, the boys on the other team didn't love Little Timmy as much as everyone else, and the boy running to third base slid and spiked Little Timmy's shin with his cleat. Little Timmy's leg was broken in three places, and after hours of surgery and complications had to be amputated. No big baseball star career for Little Timmy. Daddy was so sad that he sold Little Timmy for a case of Schlitz.

Klingon Valentines

"May your blade stay sharp and true as it pierces my flesh during our bloodletting ceremony."

"You are the still-beating heart torn from an enemy's chest in the clenched fist of my life."

"If I were to be disemboweled and devoured by anyone, I would want it to be you."

"You make me want to scrape my man-sack across your forehead."

"Die dishonorable swine!"

Remember your there, they're, and theirs!

Whoa there, that ointment is only meant for horses.
They're the ones who tea-bagged Johnny Carson.
Have you seen their colostomy bag juggling act?
Just put the novelty defibrillators over there.
I don't care what you say, they're not getting the good spatula.
I would join their club but I only read books about Hitler.
There is no reason we can't settle this like homosexuals.
I hate to say it, but they're doing a better job of smiting people than God ever did.
Their fried pudding is the only reason I eat here three times a week.

So you've decided to become a serial killer

The exciting world of butchering your fellow man can be daunting for the unprepared. This handy guide will be your constant friend whether you are wrapping a plastic bag over a struggling cheerleader's head or slowly unspooling an old man's intestines from his body with a rusty screwdriver.

Lesson One: Always be prepared!
Its attention to detail that really makes for a perfect slaughter, and sometimes the littlest things can cause the biggest headaches. Is your victim diabetic? Be sure to carry insulin in case of shock during extended torture sessions. Does your victim have a mistress? You don't want any uninvited guests popping in when you've just about got the hacksaw all the way through his femur.

Lesson Two: Leave your empathy at the door!
The moment you start to see your victim as anything more than a figment of your imagination or a slab of meat, you can kiss that killer instinct goodbye. Is she sobbing and begging her life for the sake of her children? Cut out her tongue. Is he offering you money or valuables? Burn them in front of his face.

Lesson Three: Haste Makes Waste!
Be sure to have plenty of time to clean your crime scene and cover your tracks. DNA evidence is all the rage these days, and those fluids won't stay in you forever. There are many fine industrial cleaners out there, choose one that fits your motif. Bleach is also a good way to keep your victim from screaming, so apply with gusto!

These are but a few of the many important lessons about the time honored tradition of murdering innocent people. This and other helpful guides are available in your local library or on the internet. And always remember: the most important thing is to have fun!

Lesser known Batman villains

The Misogynist - Having created a superweapon powered by female tears, his constant mission was to insult every woman in Gotham City. Abandoned during the Women's Rights movement.

The Sailor - Derived his evil super strength from cans of spinach. Killed off due to copyright issues.

The Pederast - An early fixture in standalone Robin adventures, made many attempts to add the boy wonder to his "Trophy Wall." Discontinued when casual pedophilia went out of style.

Tub Girl - Sought to hypnotize and enslave men through her disturbing website. Never made it past the Comics Code Authority.

The Pacifist - Didn't really commit any crimes, just sort of hung around and annoyed everyone. Vanished without explanation.

Da Gangsta - An expert at scamming the welfare system, had an army of "bitches" to do his evil bidding. Quickly phased out after massive uproar from the NAACP.

Nancy Boy - A former boyhood friend of Robin, turned to life of crime after his romantic gestures went unreciprocated. Later became Poison Ivy's fashion consultant.