So you've decided to quit smoking...
Congratulations! We know how hard it can be to finally kick the habit, whether you've been lighting up for 20 years or 20 minutes. This guide is meant to help you control your cravings by engaging in time-tested techniques and activities proven to shake the monkey off your back for good. Follow these steps and the road to a smoke-free life will be that much smoother:
1. Find a hobby
As the old saying goes, "Idle hands are the devil's playground." Keep those fingers occupied with fun projects! Do you like to cook? A productive day in the kitchen will help to pack on those healthy post-smoker pounds even faster! Have a fancy for the girl next door? Hours spent outside of her window with your camera will make you forget all about your little nicotine friends. Bonus - you can turn the fruits of your labor into a scrapbook for even more hobby fun!
2. Hard Labor
Sure, right now you couldn't swing a pick axe more than twice without collapsing to the ground gasping for breath, but if you keep it up, you'll eventually be your town's own John Henry! Save thousands and dig your own grave! Appease your god and build a massive temple! Hold the community hostage by constructing your own dam across the only water supply! Remember - the more black stuff you cough up the harder you are trying!
3. Hypnosis
Not everyone believes in this method, but there are those who swear by it. Most accredited hypnotherapists are experts in eliminating all cigarette cravings from your mind. Some will even replace it with a new skill, like welding or mail fraud! Quick Tip - if you come out of your hypnosis session and find that your pants are undone, don't fret. That's just an old trick to help the body maintain a constant state of relaxation. Like grampa Jack after Thanksgiving dinner!
4. Acupuncture
Harness the power of the mysteries of the Orient with this new age remedy. Those afraid of needles should take advantage of their particular acupuncture salon's "happy ending special" to help soothe the nerves. Money Saving Hint - don't feel like ponying up $60 for a professional session? Why not do it yourself? Nothing kills cravings like a sewing needle through the scrotum!
5. Family
No one can provide the love and support to get you through this difficult trial like those closest to you. Spend a lovely day at the park with the kids and enjoy the fresh air and renewed lung power while you bellow at little Timmy to leave the kid in the wheelchair alone for the ninth time. Go and visit great aunt Agatha in the rest home. After one of her rambling four-hour stories, you'll be far more likely to put a gun in your mouth than a cigarette! Warning - spend as little time with your spouse or significant other during this period as possible. Quitting smoking increases blood flow as well as the libido. As we all know, the post-coitus smoke is the hardest one to give up.
We hope that these tips help guide you on your way to a healthier, better life. Now get up, throw that pack away, and the next five dollars you spend could be on a good old fashioned back alley handjob!
1. Find a hobby
As the old saying goes, "Idle hands are the devil's playground." Keep those fingers occupied with fun projects! Do you like to cook? A productive day in the kitchen will help to pack on those healthy post-smoker pounds even faster! Have a fancy for the girl next door? Hours spent outside of her window with your camera will make you forget all about your little nicotine friends. Bonus - you can turn the fruits of your labor into a scrapbook for even more hobby fun!
2. Hard Labor
Sure, right now you couldn't swing a pick axe more than twice without collapsing to the ground gasping for breath, but if you keep it up, you'll eventually be your town's own John Henry! Save thousands and dig your own grave! Appease your god and build a massive temple! Hold the community hostage by constructing your own dam across the only water supply! Remember - the more black stuff you cough up the harder you are trying!
3. Hypnosis
Not everyone believes in this method, but there are those who swear by it. Most accredited hypnotherapists are experts in eliminating all cigarette cravings from your mind. Some will even replace it with a new skill, like welding or mail fraud! Quick Tip - if you come out of your hypnosis session and find that your pants are undone, don't fret. That's just an old trick to help the body maintain a constant state of relaxation. Like grampa Jack after Thanksgiving dinner!
4. Acupuncture
Harness the power of the mysteries of the Orient with this new age remedy. Those afraid of needles should take advantage of their particular acupuncture salon's "happy ending special" to help soothe the nerves. Money Saving Hint - don't feel like ponying up $60 for a professional session? Why not do it yourself? Nothing kills cravings like a sewing needle through the scrotum!
5. Family
No one can provide the love and support to get you through this difficult trial like those closest to you. Spend a lovely day at the park with the kids and enjoy the fresh air and renewed lung power while you bellow at little Timmy to leave the kid in the wheelchair alone for the ninth time. Go and visit great aunt Agatha in the rest home. After one of her rambling four-hour stories, you'll be far more likely to put a gun in your mouth than a cigarette! Warning - spend as little time with your spouse or significant other during this period as possible. Quitting smoking increases blood flow as well as the libido. As we all know, the post-coitus smoke is the hardest one to give up.
We hope that these tips help guide you on your way to a healthier, better life. Now get up, throw that pack away, and the next five dollars you spend could be on a good old fashioned back alley handjob!
posted by B at Friday, October 20, 2006
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home