Correspondence replies from Celebrities Part 2
Dear Junior Detective Crimestoppers Club,
I thank you for your generous offer to investigate my ex-wife's murder on a pro bono basis. I must graciously decline, however, because I can assure you that the matter is in good hands. I have personally scoured the globe to find the finest investigative minds to assist in finding "the real killers." Though it has been 12 long years since that terrible night, my team has pieced together an extensive web of evidence and motive that gets more intriguing by the day. While I can't tell you who the primary suspects are at this time, I can assure you that it goes deep. When I am finally able to announce the identities of the persons responsible for this most heinous of crimes, the resulting shockwaves through the community will undoubtedly cause mass public outcry declaring my innocence and praising my tireless efforts to see this murder solved once and for all.
I'm sure that your crime lab is top notch in every respect. I ask that you please refrain from reexamining any of the forensics evidence found at the crime scene, as children such as yourselves should not be handling blood samples or looking at pictures of mangled bodies. Its not that I doubt your detective skills, I just think that you should stick to investigating cases such as cookies disappearing from the cookie jar until you're a little older.
Finally, if little Billy Pendleton who lives down the street from you claims that he knows who did it, he is telling a fib. Please provide Billy's address, description, school schedule, and favorite hangouts. I will arrange to meet with the boy and have a talk with him about the dangers of telling lies.
Enclosed please find an autographed picture for your clubhouse wall.
Best Regards,
"The Juice"
Orenthal James Simpson
I thank you for your generous offer to investigate my ex-wife's murder on a pro bono basis. I must graciously decline, however, because I can assure you that the matter is in good hands. I have personally scoured the globe to find the finest investigative minds to assist in finding "the real killers." Though it has been 12 long years since that terrible night, my team has pieced together an extensive web of evidence and motive that gets more intriguing by the day. While I can't tell you who the primary suspects are at this time, I can assure you that it goes deep. When I am finally able to announce the identities of the persons responsible for this most heinous of crimes, the resulting shockwaves through the community will undoubtedly cause mass public outcry declaring my innocence and praising my tireless efforts to see this murder solved once and for all.
I'm sure that your crime lab is top notch in every respect. I ask that you please refrain from reexamining any of the forensics evidence found at the crime scene, as children such as yourselves should not be handling blood samples or looking at pictures of mangled bodies. Its not that I doubt your detective skills, I just think that you should stick to investigating cases such as cookies disappearing from the cookie jar until you're a little older.
Finally, if little Billy Pendleton who lives down the street from you claims that he knows who did it, he is telling a fib. Please provide Billy's address, description, school schedule, and favorite hangouts. I will arrange to meet with the boy and have a talk with him about the dangers of telling lies.
Enclosed please find an autographed picture for your clubhouse wall.
Best Regards,
"The Juice"
Orenthal James Simpson
posted by B at Thursday, October 12, 2006
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