So you've decided to become a serial killer
The exciting world of butchering your fellow man can be daunting for the unprepared. This handy guide will be your constant friend whether you are wrapping a plastic bag over a struggling cheerleader's head or slowly unspooling an old man's intestines from his body with a rusty screwdriver.
Lesson One: Always be prepared!
Its attention to detail that really makes for a perfect slaughter, and sometimes the littlest things can cause the biggest headaches. Is your victim diabetic? Be sure to carry insulin in case of shock during extended torture sessions. Does your victim have a mistress? You don't want any uninvited guests popping in when you've just about got the hacksaw all the way through his femur.
Lesson Two: Leave your empathy at the door!
The moment you start to see your victim as anything more than a figment of your imagination or a slab of meat, you can kiss that killer instinct goodbye. Is she sobbing and begging her life for the sake of her children? Cut out her tongue. Is he offering you money or valuables? Burn them in front of his face.
Lesson Three: Haste Makes Waste!
Be sure to have plenty of time to clean your crime scene and cover your tracks. DNA evidence is all the rage these days, and those fluids won't stay in you forever. There are many fine industrial cleaners out there, choose one that fits your motif. Bleach is also a good way to keep your victim from screaming, so apply with gusto!
These are but a few of the many important lessons about the time honored tradition of murdering innocent people. This and other helpful guides are available in your local library or on the internet. And always remember: the most important thing is to have fun!
Lesson One: Always be prepared!
Its attention to detail that really makes for a perfect slaughter, and sometimes the littlest things can cause the biggest headaches. Is your victim diabetic? Be sure to carry insulin in case of shock during extended torture sessions. Does your victim have a mistress? You don't want any uninvited guests popping in when you've just about got the hacksaw all the way through his femur.
Lesson Two: Leave your empathy at the door!
The moment you start to see your victim as anything more than a figment of your imagination or a slab of meat, you can kiss that killer instinct goodbye. Is she sobbing and begging her life for the sake of her children? Cut out her tongue. Is he offering you money or valuables? Burn them in front of his face.
Lesson Three: Haste Makes Waste!
Be sure to have plenty of time to clean your crime scene and cover your tracks. DNA evidence is all the rage these days, and those fluids won't stay in you forever. There are many fine industrial cleaners out there, choose one that fits your motif. Bleach is also a good way to keep your victim from screaming, so apply with gusto!
These are but a few of the many important lessons about the time honored tradition of murdering innocent people. This and other helpful guides are available in your local library or on the internet. And always remember: the most important thing is to have fun!
posted by B at Monday, October 02, 2006
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