Missed Connections

To the prettiest girl at the Renaissance Fair -

You: A heavenly brunette, clad in the whimsical dress of a woodland fairy
Me: A great big teddy bear, clad in cardboard black armor

You smiled sweetly as I entered your fragrant shop to cool off from the midday's hot sun. When I remarked that I treated my codpiece with polyurethane to prevent discoloration from sweat stains, your laugh was light and harmonious. Sadly, before I could work up the courage to ask your name, a coworker lured you from the shop floor with the promise of a quick joint out back. Were I able to gaze upon your beauty once more and profess that I fell madly in love in those short moments, I could die a happy man. If you felt the same spark of love that transcends space, time, and personal hygiene, I can be found weekdays at the Baby Gap on 5th Street, from 4-9pm.


To the one with the tits -

You: Tits
Me: One jack and coke away from a coma

Dave and Buster's, Friday night, ten-ish. I stumbled into your table trying to make my way to the bathroom to puke. I may have puked on the person next to you. Someone kicked me in the balls. I liked your rack. Let's meet up, same time next week, same place.


To the strapping young Starbucks Barista Downtown -

You: The twink of my dreams
Me: Your assistant manager

You know how I feel about you, Travis. Let's make it happen. I want you to steam my milk and foam my latte. I don't think I have to mention that there are certain perks to being the assistant manager's boy toy. It's not harassment if we aren't at work. See you on the closing shift.

If I can't have relations with this otter, no one will!

Stay back! I'm warning you I'll do it! I'll slit her pretty little throat before you take two steps!
Dang you lousy, unscrupulous jackals! Have you no respect for the path of true love? The bond between a man, his willie, and this here otter is sacred and should be honored as such!
Let he who is without lust in his heart cast the first stone! Who among you haven't seen this cute little darling shaking her tail about and not wanted a little piece of that action? I defy you to resist this furry strumpet when she sets her sights and starts the classic dance of seduction.
Now leave us be, or there's gonna be hell to pay! I'm just gonna duck back behind the shed here and do my thing. The rest of you don't come any closer. And if anyone else wants a turn, I'll be about ten minutes

Republican Gay Sex

*sung to the tune of "Teddy Bear Picnic"


If you go in the bathroom today
You're sure of a big surprise
If you go in the bathroom today
You'd better go in disguise
For every senator ever there was
Will gather there for certain because
Today's the day republicans have their gay sex
Any friend of the G.O.P.
Is sure of a treat today
There's lots of marvelous cocks to suck
And wonderful boys to lay
Inside the stalls where nobody sees
They suck and fuck as long as they please
Cause that's the way republicans have their gay sex
If you go in the bathroom today
You'd better know the code
It's lovely in the bathroom today
Be ready to take a load
For every senator ever there was
Will gather there for certain because
Today's the day republicans have their gay sex

Captain Cupcake and the Yum Yum Brigade vs. The League of Evil Veggies

Captain Cupcake held his best friend in his arms and tried to comfort the dying man. "Don't worry, old pal. You're gonna make it."
Chancellor Sprinkles coughed wetly and shook his head with a smile. "You and I both know that's a lie. Just promise me one thing, Jack. I want you to give that Lord Asparagus a knuckle sandwich the likes of which he'll never forget!"
"You got it, buddy, you got it."
Captain Cupcake stood and surveyed his remaining Yum Yum Brigade fighters. "We've let this League of Evil Veggies keep us down for long enough! They've killed our friends. Raped our wives. Enslaved our children! Well I say it's time to put a stop to all that!"
A low murmur of excitement began to build through the rag tag group of mercenaries. "I say we march right in there, guns blazing, and give those bastards what for! Who's with me?"
The Yum Yum Brigade responded with a rousing cheer. "We're all with you, Cap!" said Cherry Cordial with a pump of her shotgun. "Let's send them all to hell!"
"And if we don't send them to hell," replied Captain Cupcake gravely, "then we can at least take them with us!" He held up the small nuclear device for all to see. The group nodded in understanding, this was most likely going to be a suicide mission.
Chief Sour Apple shuffled to the back nervously. He had betrayed his fellow sweets by agreeing to be Lord Asparagus' mole, and now he had no idea how he was going to be able to warn the dark Lord before the Yum Yum Brigade stormed the Fortress of Salad with a nuclear bomb.
"Soldiers, mount up!" bellowed Captain Cupcake. "We've got some unfinished business to attend to!"

Will the Yum Yum Brigade be able to defeat the League of Evil Veggies without obliterating themselves in the process? Find out next week in the thrilling next chapter of Captain Cupcake and the Yum Yum Brigade!

Unsuccessful Marketing Slogans

Throat Cancer - Catch It!

Nobody does it like Sammy Hitler.

A gentleman never forgets the lube.

Serving Whitey for over 30 years.

Put your trust and the souls of your children in our hands.

You could do better, but why bother trying?

We're here, we're queer, we make great pie.

Like a good neighbor, we've seen you naked.

Kid, I wouldn't eat you if I was starving to death and you were covered in barbeque sauce.

You can relax now, junior, I'm not here to eat you. I just gobbled up little Timmy Bradford down the street and that little porker is like a five course meal. Chunky bastard gave me indigestion.
You, on the other hand, are quite safe from me. When's the last time you took a bath? Just the thought of you anywhere near my mouth makes me want to gag. And that psoriasis, what are you kidding me? Eating you would be like choking down a clump of raw instant potato flakes.
Nah, I'm here to check in on that fine ass mother of yours. Is she still dating that loser Steve? I've spent more than a few nights under that bed and I can tell you, Steve better learn some new tricks fast. If the way she used to carry on back when Pedro would sneak in here to give her the business before your dad came home is any indication, Steve isn't even close to revving up that motor.
But you don't want to hear all that about your mom. Take it from me though, that is one piece of grade A meat right there. Oh relax, I didn't mean it that way.
All right kid, I've got to get rolling after a quick peek into your mother's room. I heard the Johnsons across the street had quintuplets and I want to get a good look at that little sampler platter.
Stay gross little man, it's the only thing keeping your heiney from being an appetizer.

Food Court of Sorrow

They do not see the pain
As I sit here alone, finishing my fifth slice of pepperoni and sausage from S'Barros, I mourn for them at the same time as I hate them
Only I can understand the divine suffering
Only I know what it is like to truly hurt
My lunch break is almost at an end
Mr. Dicicco says if I am late again I will be sent home without pay
But I have not had my Cinnabon
My only small pleasure in this miserable world
If I am sent home so be it
The Cinnabon will soothe me
The Cinnabon will tell me that everything is ok
The Cinnabon understands me in the way no human could
They do not see the pain

Corporate Piggy Goes to Africa, Chapter 3 - Unexpected Friendships

"You see," explained Constable Zebra, "All of the animals here work together and help each other out when needed. For example, Mrs. Hippopotamus over there is bringing water for Mr. Emu's lovely rose garden. And Goodlady Giraffe is providing shade for Ms. Newt's new hatchlings."
Corporate Piggy squealed in appreciation. "This is much different than the way things are back home! In the corporate world, it's every pig for himself!"
"Perhaps your corporate world could learn a few things from the wild."
"You betcha," Corporate Piggy agreed. "I'm going email my secretary to organize a team building exercise during the next fiscal quarter. I want this experience to be a part of every employee's core statement of values!"
Sixteen months later, following a brief delay caused by three rejected mergers, a massive round of layoffs, and a hostile takeover attempt, Corporate Piggy stood with his awestruck employees and marveled at their fellow animal's tranquil village.
"But where are their cell phones?" wondered Vice President Kitty Cat. "How do they communicate?"
"They talk to each other face to face! Just like in the old days!" explained Corporate Piggy excitedly.
Associate Iguana sneered. "How quaint. I suppose next you'll be telling us that they still connect to the internet through dial-up."
"That's just it," said Corporate Piggy. "They don't even know what the internet is!"
The employees gasped in horror. Parakeet the Intern fainted to the ground. Corporate Piggy took a deep breath and tried to calm the group down. "I know it's hard to understand, but things are much more relaxed and positive here than they are back home. We could all stand to learn a thing or two from our wild friends."
Associate Iguana cleared his throat loudly, catching the attention of the crowd. "Or maybe our CEO has finally succumbed to the pressures of the business world. I propose an immediate vote of confidence from the board!"
A great fuss began as the members of the board scrambled to assemble and organize an official vote outside of the amenities of a boardroom. Secretary Frog called for quiet. "Members of the board, your attention please. We have assembled this emergency meeting to vote on our continued confidence in the leadership of our current CEO, Corporate Piggy! All in favor of dismissing the CEO, prepare to cast your votes!"

Will Corporate Piggy's employees vote him right out of a job? Will they come to their senses and learn the pleasures of a more hassle-free lifestyle? Find out next week on Corporate Piggy Goes to Africa, Chapter 4 - Unseen Enemies!

Scary Stories from Fat Camp

The Curse of the Low-Carb Pizza Bagel

The Terrible Dr. Atkins and His Monster

It Came From the Garden

The Day There Was No Ranch Dressing

The Pool That Doesn't Allow T-Shirts

McDonald's is Missing!

The Bus Stop From Two Blocks Away

The Dreaded Gym Class Showers

Dr. Debra Smith-Barringer, Nutritionist of Doom

My wife sure does love her new anal bleaching!

Thanks for having us out on the boat, Jim, it's lovely out on the water this time of year. Nothing like spending some time with good friends. Did I tell you how much Darla likes her new anal bleaching? She just got it done last week at Mitzi's downtown. Yep, there's nothing like a nice clean butthole to really put the spice back into a marriage.
Darla honey? Come on over here. Why don't you bend over and show Jim? There ya go, what do you think, buddy? Isn't that just the nicest little pink starfish you've ever seen?
How is Helen's anus looking these days? A little used maybe? I'm telling you, nothing will perk up her confidence like a nice trip to the bleaching chair. And that confidence will pay off on you in spades, believe you me! Maybe you could surprise her with a gift certificate.
Oh hi Helen! I was just telling Jim about Darla's anus. C'mon honey, drop trou again and show Helen. Nice huh? She could be in adult films! Tell Helen how quick and easy it was, honey.
What a beautiful afternoon. Good friends, good times, and a spotless cornhole. I can't think of anything better.

I can find at least three things that I like about you.

That's right, baby, I am an observant, sensitive man who knows that there is something beautiful about every woman; and usually at least three things that I like in particular. Don't believe me? I've seen the way you shy away from attention because you are self-conscious about those third degree burns on your face and neck. But you know what those burns tell me? That you have lived an exciting life, baby, and excitement is sexy!
Need another one? How about the way you always hide your hands because you can't stop biting your fingernails until they are bloody and horrible looking? Those nails wouldn't get so gruesome if you didn't have a nice strong set of choppers. I bet you could bite through a human thumb. And that turns me on.
I promised three things, right? It's no problem at all with an attractive little number like you. I could point out how close to matching length your legs are, or how that big soft caboose of yours could probably suffocate a grown man like SIDS does a baby, but neither of those compare to how hot that colostomy bag gets me. Whenever I hear that delicate rustle of medical plastic under a woman's top, I just go crazy. You poop in a bag, mama, and that gets my motor running in a real big way.
You see, I can always find something to like about a member of the fairer sex. Why don't you come on back to my trailer tonight? I'll make you wish that scoliosis brace was made for bull riding. Aww yeah.

Unsuccessful Secret Agents

Chase Ticklebottom

Remington Tin

Rocco "Anxiety Disorder" Bignatti

Brick Anklebiter

Cuddles Mankiller

John Smithowiczeringtonowski

Marcus Dumbass

Madaline Toxicrotch

Cross-Eyed Mahoney Jones

Teats McJiggles

Erotic SlashFic Story Time: Forbidden Fruit

Captain Planet involuntarily tensed and breathed a deep sigh as Big Bird ran his beak along the exposed flesh of his back. "You've been fighting polluters all day," the yellow stud whispered. "Maybe it's time you let someone else take control."
"I must be vigilant in protecting Gaia," the blue hero replied with closed eyes. "I can't let my guard down, even for a second."
"Relax, you're in Big Bird's hands now."
The two secret lovers embraced, bodies entwined before the harsh shadows cast by the roaring campfire. The forest outside of their little cave was quiet and still, but the force of their passion masked the sound of the approaching visitor.
"You feathered whore!" shrieked the cloaked figure.
"Starbuck!" Big Bird yelped in shock. "I thought you were still stationed on Galactica?"
"I followed you in the Stealth Viper. I just knew you wouldn't be able to keep your beak out of his shorts!"
Big Bird sobbed with shame. "I'm so sorry. I love you with all my heart, Cara." He turned his gaze to Captain Planet, who looked hurt. "But I love him too. Oh why can't the heart ever be happy?!?"
Starbuck's demeanor softened, and she moved to comfort the crying bird. Without warning, a booming voice interrupted the tender scene. "We have no time for your piddling affairs!" It was Teddy Roosevelt, back from space in the mech suit that Alexander Graham Bell designed to combat the Silfresian Horde invasion that nearly destroyed the solar system. "I have need for volunteers to fight a new threat. As Earth's greatest heroes, I call on you all to stand up and fight!"
"Yes Sir!" Captain Planet exclaimed enthusiastically. "What's the problem?"
Teddy grew suddenly grave. "I'm afraid it's the worst crisis mankind has ever faced...."

What is the epic danger that has Teddy worried so? Will our heroes save the day once more? Will Big Bird and Captain Planet ever be able to enjoy their love without admonishment? Find out next week on: Erotic SlashFic Story Time!

From the Realtors who brought you a Yellow Submarine...

Here at Langwell, Simon, and Digman Realtors, we have many attractive and budget friendly domiciles for families large and small. Join us on a tour of the many, many lovely properties just waiting for the right buyer.
This beautiful Indigo Winnebago is a perfect starter home for the family that doesn't like to be tied down. Or, if you prefer a little more space and a view that can't be beat, this Maroon Blimp may be just what you're looking for. Over here is a very popular model, the Pink Cadillac is an all-time classic that never goes out of style.
We know there are plenty of other realtors out there who claim to have the best colorful vehicle-based homes, but can you really trust someone who would see your loved ones crammed into a Brown Rickshaw? Or embarrassed to live in a Polka-Dotted Tractor?
LSD Realtors is a name you can trust. We strive to make sure every sale is the perfect sale for each of our valued customers. Come visit us today, and soon you might just be saying "We all live in a Purple Fighter Jet, a Purple Fighter Jet, a Purple Fighter Jet."

Movie Review - Rush Hour 3

by Tyler Pendleton, Age 8


For his every-other-weekend visit, Daddy took me to see Rush Hour 3 today. It was way funnier than the other two, because there was lots more bad words and hitting. Daddy let me watch the other movies on his big tv before, and there were no bad words! Bad words always make a movie funnier.
In Rush Hour 3, the brown man and the Chinese man from the other movies team up again after the brown man gets in trouble with the mean police chief. The chief sends the brown man to France for punishment where he meets up with the Chinese man, who is after some bad guys that came there from China. My sister cried when the bad guys were on the screen, but she stopped when daddy said he was going to make her wait in the car. My daddy doesn't like my sister very much, because she always wants to tag along when he picks me up even though he isn't her daddy.
The brown man does some funny things, like fighting a big giant Chinese man in orange pajamas, and saying bad words. The Chinese man does lots of flips and kicks people, and sometimes tries to say things but everyone laughs because they can't understand him.
Rush Hour 3 was way funnier than Shrek 3, because it had more bad words. Even daddy laughed a little bit after he added the magic potion from the bottle in his pocket to his soda cup. If you like bad words and people getting kicked a lot, Rush Hour 3 is the perfect movie for you!

Continuing Your Children's Interest in Witchcraft

Now that Harry Potter and his friends have had their last grand adventure, it's time to look for new ways to keep your children in the service of our Dark Lord Satan. The following books will help keep their interest in the dark arts alive and well:

Baby's First Virgin Sacrifice

The Pop-Up Necronomicon

Are You My Succubus?

The Hungry Little Demon

Amelia Bedilia Returns from the Grave

Let's Put a Hex on Daddy!

Frog and Toad are Warlocks

Hilites for Children Presents: Reading Spot's Entrails

There are many other children's books focused on the untold powers of witchcraft. Don't hesitate to bring your kids to the nearest occult library and get them started on offending God!

The Junior Crime Solvers Club - The Case of the Scorned Mistress

"You see how the machete wounds are so deep in the neck that it nearly severed her head?" Billy asked.
"I guess so," replied Fatty nervously.
"And how her vagina is split all the way up to her sternum?"
" But what does that mean?"
"Duuuh," sneered Janey, popping her gum. "It's obvious that the killer was very angry with her about something. That's why there was such brutality in the murder."
"That's right, Janey," agreed Billy. "Whoever our killer is must have been very close to Ms. Jennings. Chinky, how did the DNA test on the discarded condom we found turn out?"
"Inconcrusive." Chinky reported.
"We've got to wrap this one up soon guys," Fatty said. "I've got to be home for dinner by six."
Just then, Billy saw a major clue that they somehow all missed when they examined Ms. Jennings' mangled corpse. "Fatty," Billy said confidently, "I have a feeling that you'll be home for dinner even earlier than usual this time!"
Twenty minutes later, the gang of young detectives had everyone in town gathered around the bloody crime scene. "All right kids, now what's this all about?" asked Police Chief Taggart.
"We have solved the case of the scorned mistress!" Janey announced.
"Oh have you now?" Chief Taggart chuckled. "And just what have you come up with?"
Billy addressed the assembled townsfolk gravely. "The murderer of Ms. Jennings is......Chief Taggart!"
The crowd let out a great gasp. Police Chief Taggart turned bright red and began to stammer. "That's ridiculous!" he thundered. "What is your proof?"
Billy held up a small plastic bag that everyone strained to see. "Well Chief, you almost got away with the perfect crime, but you forgot one tiny little detail..."

What was the smoking gun that lead to Chief Taggart? Will the Junior Crime Solvers Club pursue the death penalty? Find out next week!

That's COUNT Chocula, thank you very much.

I beg your pardon young lady, but I did not honor my king and country through tireless and loyal service to be called Mister Chocula. If Duke Frankenberry were alive to hear this outrageous offense he would surely have you locked in the stocks for a minimum of three days while ravenous vermin penetrated your various orifices in search for sustenance. You have a lot to learn about respecting your betters, vile trollop, though I do fear that your ignorance will be the end of you before you are able to master even the simplest of our society's considerations of hierarchy.

Heed my warning, my dear, for I issue it with the gravest of sincerity. Had you made such a blunder with a less patient man, you may have found yourself on the wrong end of a cold rapier. Take this lesson and carry it with you always, lest your stupidity be your death.

Now, I would like to deposit my social security check and I will need a roll of quarters for the laundry machine. Thank you.

Excuse me, but I believe you have my kidney.

Please do not think that I am accusing you of anything, far from it actually. You see, I happened to notice that your name disappeared from the national list of those in need of a kidney right around the same time that my own kidney was taken from me without my permission. I can see that you are a bit confused, perhaps if I explained what happened you might understand my predicament.

I arrived here in this fair city as many others have, a bright-eyed lad looking to make it big and do my small town back west proud. So naive was I that I neglected to heed the many warnings about wandering the streets alone after dark. It has always been a favorite hobby of mine to take a nice long stroll on nights when the moon is big and bright. Unfortunately, I chose the wrong night and the wrong alley for my last constitutional and I ran afoul of a gang of Oriental fellows who had less than desirable plans for yours truly.

The miscreants clobbered me over the head with some sort of blunt instrument, and I succumbed to the inky blackness of unconsciousness. When I awoke what must have been quite a number of hours later, I found myself rather curiously laying in a bath tub full of ice. As you can imagine, that was certainly not the most comfortable place to come to. I noticed a terrible pain just around my back, and made my way to the cracked mirror in the grimey bathroom that I didn't recognize. It was then that I saw the jagged scar that my attackers carved into my flesh when they made away with my precious kidney. In their haste, they stapled me back together in a most gruesome fashion.

As you can imagine, the ordeal left me quite shaken. The police were, unsurprisingly, no help at all. I mourned my loss and chalked the whole thing up to the evils of the big city, when I happened upon an inspirational poster that rekindled my sense of pride and justice. I began to search the lists, so many names of those in need. Finally, I managed to track down the most likely recipient of my ill-gotten kidney, and that, dear fellow, is you.

By no means do I demand that you march to the hospital this very instant and have them remove my kidney from your body and place it back into mine, but I hope that you will consider, after hearing all that I have been through, returning what is rightfully mine within a reasonable amount of time? You are skeptical, I can understand that. Perhaps if I show you the scar. See? Isn't it horrible? You must be able to understand the great amount of grief and anguish that I have suffered.

It is humbly that I implore you, sir, to try to find it within your heart to give up my kidney and wait for the next one to come along. Please, don't walk away, you can still do the right thing! Sir! Sir! I beg of you to reconsider! Don't go! Sir!

Alas, it seems that I am destined to a life of having to pee every 20 minutes.

Lesser Known Cowboys

Docile Bill Hickory

Johnny One Finger

Tony the Young Adult

Stan the Adequate Shot

Mild Disruption Jenny

Injun Schlomo Finklestein

Antelope Bob

The Funkytown Kid

Random Sentence from a Work in Progress...

Jak’s Pub and Grub was the kind of middle of nowhere place where you could get a hand job from something that looked like a walking feather duster and a shot of alien liquor that will make you legally retarded for an hour and still have a few credits left over at the end of the night.

Tales of Terrifyingness! "Grandma Always Rings Twice"

Tom grabbed his wife roughly by the arm and gave her a healthy shake. "Enough with this foolishness Susan, your mother has been dead for three years!"
"I know," Susan sobbed, "But I swear I saw her last night sitting right there in her favorite chair!"
"This is the last I want to hear of this. Now get in the kitchen, dinner should have been ready a half hour ago!" Tom stormed off to his study while Susan shakily moved to prepare dinner.
Later that night, after Tom was sound asleep, Susan crept down the stairs of their modest but appealing three bedroom home. She just had to make sure that she wasn't dreaming the night before. She approached the comfortable easy chair that her mother always loved so much and breathed a sigh of relief to find it empty. "Maybe I am going crazy," she thought to herself. "I better see Dr. Reynolds for more pills." Just as she turned to head back upstairs to bed, a raspy voice called to her from the kitchen. "Susan, honey, is that you? Could you be a dear and help me with this pickle jar?"
Susan shrieked and fainted to the ground. She awoke a few minutes later to Tom's vigorous shaking. "Wake up Susan! Wake up! What in God's name are you doing down here?"
"I saw her!" Susan shrieked hysterically, "My mother was in the kitchen trying to get a pickle!"
Tom slapped her hard across the face, just to calm her down. "I've had it up to here your ridiculous fantasies. First thing tomorrow, I'm taking you to the Shady Acres Mental Health facility to get you checked out!"
Susan protested, but she knew her husband would know the right thing to do. It was impossible for her mother to be in the kitchen, she remembered the funeral vividly. Susan simply must be imaging that she was back to cope with the fact that she still missed her. It couldn't be a ghost, could it?


Will Susan find out that she's losing her mind? Has her dear sweet mother really returned from the grave? Find out next week on Tales of Terrifyingness!