Kid, I wouldn't eat you if I was starving to death and you were covered in barbeque sauce.

You can relax now, junior, I'm not here to eat you. I just gobbled up little Timmy Bradford down the street and that little porker is like a five course meal. Chunky bastard gave me indigestion.
You, on the other hand, are quite safe from me. When's the last time you took a bath? Just the thought of you anywhere near my mouth makes me want to gag. And that psoriasis, what are you kidding me? Eating you would be like choking down a clump of raw instant potato flakes.
Nah, I'm here to check in on that fine ass mother of yours. Is she still dating that loser Steve? I've spent more than a few nights under that bed and I can tell you, Steve better learn some new tricks fast. If the way she used to carry on back when Pedro would sneak in here to give her the business before your dad came home is any indication, Steve isn't even close to revving up that motor.
But you don't want to hear all that about your mom. Take it from me though, that is one piece of grade A meat right there. Oh relax, I didn't mean it that way.
All right kid, I've got to get rolling after a quick peek into your mother's room. I heard the Johnsons across the street had quintuplets and I want to get a good look at that little sampler platter.
Stay gross little man, it's the only thing keeping your heiney from being an appetizer.