Missed Connections

To the prettiest girl at the Renaissance Fair -

You: A heavenly brunette, clad in the whimsical dress of a woodland fairy
Me: A great big teddy bear, clad in cardboard black armor

You smiled sweetly as I entered your fragrant shop to cool off from the midday's hot sun. When I remarked that I treated my codpiece with polyurethane to prevent discoloration from sweat stains, your laugh was light and harmonious. Sadly, before I could work up the courage to ask your name, a coworker lured you from the shop floor with the promise of a quick joint out back. Were I able to gaze upon your beauty once more and profess that I fell madly in love in those short moments, I could die a happy man. If you felt the same spark of love that transcends space, time, and personal hygiene, I can be found weekdays at the Baby Gap on 5th Street, from 4-9pm.


To the one with the tits -

You: Tits
Me: One jack and coke away from a coma

Dave and Buster's, Friday night, ten-ish. I stumbled into your table trying to make my way to the bathroom to puke. I may have puked on the person next to you. Someone kicked me in the balls. I liked your rack. Let's meet up, same time next week, same place.


To the strapping young Starbucks Barista Downtown -

You: The twink of my dreams
Me: Your assistant manager

You know how I feel about you, Travis. Let's make it happen. I want you to steam my milk and foam my latte. I don't think I have to mention that there are certain perks to being the assistant manager's boy toy. It's not harassment if we aren't at work. See you on the closing shift.