Erotic SlashFic Story Time: Forbidden Fruit

Captain Planet involuntarily tensed and breathed a deep sigh as Big Bird ran his beak along the exposed flesh of his back. "You've been fighting polluters all day," the yellow stud whispered. "Maybe it's time you let someone else take control."
"I must be vigilant in protecting Gaia," the blue hero replied with closed eyes. "I can't let my guard down, even for a second."
"Relax, you're in Big Bird's hands now."
The two secret lovers embraced, bodies entwined before the harsh shadows cast by the roaring campfire. The forest outside of their little cave was quiet and still, but the force of their passion masked the sound of the approaching visitor.
"You feathered whore!" shrieked the cloaked figure.
"Starbuck!" Big Bird yelped in shock. "I thought you were still stationed on Galactica?"
"I followed you in the Stealth Viper. I just knew you wouldn't be able to keep your beak out of his shorts!"
Big Bird sobbed with shame. "I'm so sorry. I love you with all my heart, Cara." He turned his gaze to Captain Planet, who looked hurt. "But I love him too. Oh why can't the heart ever be happy?!?"
Starbuck's demeanor softened, and she moved to comfort the crying bird. Without warning, a booming voice interrupted the tender scene. "We have no time for your piddling affairs!" It was Teddy Roosevelt, back from space in the mech suit that Alexander Graham Bell designed to combat the Silfresian Horde invasion that nearly destroyed the solar system. "I have need for volunteers to fight a new threat. As Earth's greatest heroes, I call on you all to stand up and fight!"
"Yes Sir!" Captain Planet exclaimed enthusiastically. "What's the problem?"
Teddy grew suddenly grave. "I'm afraid it's the worst crisis mankind has ever faced...."

What is the epic danger that has Teddy worried so? Will our heroes save the day once more? Will Big Bird and Captain Planet ever be able to enjoy their love without admonishment? Find out next week on: Erotic SlashFic Story Time!

Know Your Cylons!

The danger of extinction grows by the day. It could be your priest, your mailman, even your youngest son, Timmy. Everyone knows that the Cylons walk among us now, but knowing how to spot them is the important difference between annihilation and salvation. The following are some basic tips on identifying these robots in disguise.

1. Physical Perfection: Ladies, have you ever wondered how your neighbor can eat all that pasta and cake at the neighborhood block party and still fit into that size zero dress? Well now you know the answer - she's one of the robot menace!

2. Body Odor: Though the Cylons are capable of sweating, they have yet to master the intricacies of body odor. Does your racquetball partner smell unusually fresh after a long, grueling match? Chances are he is one of them.

3. Trivia Skills: Because they are machines, Cylons store data just as a computer would, able to recall any fact in an instant. Due to their arrogant nature, Cylons are sometimes unable to resist the lure of trivia night at the local bar. If you spot someone dominating everyone else in the game but going light on the buffalo wings, it is your civic duty to report them.

4. Bathroom Habits: In the men's room, is there one guy who never seems to use the urinal? A man who will wait for a stall if they are all full even if there is an open spot on the wall? Cylon males are unable to maintain gyroscopic balance while urinating in a standing position. If you see that guy who always goes for the stall, his mother either raised him poorly or he is a Cylon.

5. Artistic Taste: One of the easiest ways to spot a machine is to excitedly gush about the current Larry the Cable Guy/Adam Sandler/Jim Carrey/Pussycat Dolls/Fergie/American Idol/Jim Belushi project. A roll of the eyes is an instant guilty verdict!

New methods of identifying Cylons are discovered every day. As a member of the last remains of humankind, it is your responsibility to be vigilant at all times. Cylon notification centers are located at your convenience at all major thoroughfares. You may also dial 1-800-IR-CYLON to report any suspicious activity.