Know Your Cylons!

The danger of extinction grows by the day. It could be your priest, your mailman, even your youngest son, Timmy. Everyone knows that the Cylons walk among us now, but knowing how to spot them is the important difference between annihilation and salvation. The following are some basic tips on identifying these robots in disguise.

1. Physical Perfection: Ladies, have you ever wondered how your neighbor can eat all that pasta and cake at the neighborhood block party and still fit into that size zero dress? Well now you know the answer - she's one of the robot menace!

2. Body Odor: Though the Cylons are capable of sweating, they have yet to master the intricacies of body odor. Does your racquetball partner smell unusually fresh after a long, grueling match? Chances are he is one of them.

3. Trivia Skills: Because they are machines, Cylons store data just as a computer would, able to recall any fact in an instant. Due to their arrogant nature, Cylons are sometimes unable to resist the lure of trivia night at the local bar. If you spot someone dominating everyone else in the game but going light on the buffalo wings, it is your civic duty to report them.

4. Bathroom Habits: In the men's room, is there one guy who never seems to use the urinal? A man who will wait for a stall if they are all full even if there is an open spot on the wall? Cylon males are unable to maintain gyroscopic balance while urinating in a standing position. If you see that guy who always goes for the stall, his mother either raised him poorly or he is a Cylon.

5. Artistic Taste: One of the easiest ways to spot a machine is to excitedly gush about the current Larry the Cable Guy/Adam Sandler/Jim Carrey/Pussycat Dolls/Fergie/American Idol/Jim Belushi project. A roll of the eyes is an instant guilty verdict!

New methods of identifying Cylons are discovered every day. As a member of the last remains of humankind, it is your responsibility to be vigilant at all times. Cylon notification centers are located at your convenience at all major thoroughfares. You may also dial 1-800-IR-CYLON to report any suspicious activity.