Fire Safety Tips

Fire is a deadly predator, constantly waiting for an opportunity to destroy everything that you hold dear. Follow these simple tips to keep you and your loved ones safe and sound.

• Those who have sinned burn faster. Chastity is asbestos for the soul.
• You may be faced with the difficult decision of only being able to save one of your children. Be sure to pick the one with the most promising athletic skills.
• If you are able to start fires with your mind, it may be a good idea to keep more than one extinguisher in the house.
• The entire family should be familiar with the house evacuation procedure. If Grandma isn't getting it, she may have to start sleeping outside.
• Smoking in bed is a huge fire risk. Try huffing paint instead.
• While you may consider all of your possessions to be priceless, the Prada bag is the only thing worth risking your life to save.
• Throwing water on a grease fire will only spread the flames. Throwing the cat on a grease fire should do nicely.
• If you are an unusually heavy sleeper, try wiring the smoke detector directly to your genitals.
• "Stop, drop, and roll" is for pussies. Take it like a man.
• During a fire, be sure to check all doorknobs for heat before opening any doors. The next room could contain a raging inferno, or sizzling Latin flavor.

These easy to remember tips will help to make sure that your family doesn't become victims of the cruel mistress that is fire.