Britney and K-Fed, what's next?

12/05/06 - K-Fed reveals Britney breast fed first child while mainlining Rumplemintz.

12/17/06 - Paparazzi photos explode online revealing very graphic images of Paris Hilton's arm lodged halfway into Britney's colon during an impromptu drunken puppet show.

02/22/07 - After his epic match with WWE Champion John Cena that left him hospitalized for weeks and permanently confined to a wheelchair, K-Fed denounces his former lifestyle and vows a new life in the service of the Lord.

03/05/07 - Britney is hauled in for questioning after the partially devoured corpse of Lindsay Lohan is discovered in the alley behind club Bungalow 8.

04/13/07 - Although not officially charged yet still under heavy suspicion over Lohan's death, Britney eludes police surveillance and disappears completely.

04/20/07 - Grainy footage of Britney reading bizarre scripture with a glazed look is released from K-Fed's new compound in the Mojave desert.

05/01/07 - Authorities launch a midnight raid on the compound, sparking a massive bloodbath as K-Fed's loyal flock fight back with their huge cache of firearms and explosives.

05/14/07 - The 2 week standoff finally ends as K-Fed plummets to his death from atop the massive shrine of himself that his rabid followers constructed from car parts and aluminum siding. Britney is found safe but thoroughly brainwashed. The country's finest deprogrammers are rushed in to assist.

09/03/07 - After months of rehabilitation and some good old fashioned Christian love, Britney triumphantly announces her comeback tour and new album of modern versions of classic hymns.

Lesser known Christmas Carols

Grandma Got Curbed by a Reindeer

Fuck You, Santa, I Wanted the Green Power Ranger

Baby Will You Suck My Candy Cane Tonight?

Charles, the Green Pubed Reindeer

Santa Watches You While You Sleep

Whites-Only Christmas

Frosty the Snow Tranny

I Saw Santa Claus Running a Train on Mommy

Its the Most Harrowing Time of the Year

What Child is This? I Aint Yo' Baby Daddy!

All I Want for Christmas is My Kidney Back

Insult people just like Michael Richards!

If I were a woman I'd come down there and spray you with feces!

You talk real big for a guy with bananas for hands!

I've got a rectal thermometer with your name on it, buddy!

He's a fibber! He's a fibber! He's a fibber!

You're goin' down like Aunt Petunia's bake sale!

50 years ago I would have had you with the prime rib and a side salad!

Discarded pornstar names

Shaggy Pillows

Blunt Manstump

Tom Swift

Chastity McWhore

Bare Backson

Steve Penis

Captain Hooker

Jizz Jizzerly

Naughtybritches O'Sullivan

Thanksgiving fun facts!

• From 1933-1941, Thanksgiving was used as a clever scheme to dupe the Irish.
• Early celebrations included the sacrifice of a virgin to The Dark God Scrogg, which is still represented to this day by your mother's attempts to drive your younger sister to suicide with thinly disguised barbs about her eating problem.
• In Russia, turkey stuffs you!
• Turkey is the only acceptable main dish. Ham is for Jesus, asshole.
• Long undocumented, the first Thanksgiving actually took place on board the Mayflower before it landed at Plymouth Rock. The Pilgrims dined on a succulent feast made up of those who had succumbed to dysentery.
• Pumpkin pie was discovered by accident, the original intent was for a long lasting antiperspirant.
• When made a national holiday, Thanksgiving replaced the less joyous and outdatedly Puritan "Day of Genital Scorning."
• For every person that doesn't verbally express what they have to be thankful for each year, God kills a hot bisexual girl.
• Cranberry sauce causes cancer.
• The old "fornicate with the turkey just before it is served to the family" prank is truly a timeless classic.
• Everyone hates being there just as much as you do. Publicly acknowledging this fact will make the day go by much easier for all of you.

From the desk of John Rambo

To: Omabo Aziz
From: JohnRambo@hotmail.com

Yo,

In Nigeria you are the law, out here it's me. Don't push it, don't push it or I'll give you a war you won't believe.
Nothing is over! Nothing! You just don't turn it off! It wasn't my war! You asked me, I didn't ask you! And I did what I had to do to win, for somebody who wouldn't let us win! Then I come back to the world, and I see all those maggots at the airport, protestin me, spittin, callin me a baby killer and all kinds of vile crap! Who are they to protest me?! Huh?! Who are they?! Unless they been me and been there and know what the hell they're yellin about!
For me civilian life is nothin! In the field we had a code of honor. You watch my back I watch yours. Back here there's nothin! Back there I could fly a gunship, I could drive a tank, I was in charge of million dollar equipment. Back here I can't even hold a job parking cars!
They drew first blood, not me. I want, what they want, and every other guy who's came over here, spilt his guts, gave everything he had, ONCE, for our country to love us, as much as we, Love...IT. That's what I want.
So you send me that money, you send that check. For Jimmy. And for Danforth. I can't find his fucking legs!

From the desk of a Nigerian email scammer

To: JohnRambo@hotmail.com
From: Omabo Aziz

Dear Rambo,

Please do excuse this unsolicited email, friend, but I write to request your assistance with a large sum of money. I am the bank manager of the First Nigerian bank and Trust. This institution is in posession worthy of 2.1 million US dollars left in account by Ibrahim Rambo. Mr. Rambo died in a plane crash on October 2, 2005. An official search has found no next of kin to which these monies to be paid, because the family of Rambo was also killed in the plane crash.
I wish not to see this unclaimed funds transfered to the government, as Rambo was a dear friend and would not want his personal fortune squandered by a corrupt officials. This is where you can help, and by yourself become wealthy in the process.
I will send you a cashier check for the 2.1 million US dollars. Please to deposit this check and return to me in my name a check for 1.1 million. The remain 1 million is yours to keep for your effort and with gratitude for your assistance.
If this sounds like a good deal, please reply to me your address so that I can issue the check as soon as possible. If you would like that I wire the funds, please provide with your bank account number, bank name, and PIN number.
There is the essence of time in this matter Mr. Rambo, I like to see these funds resolved as quickly as possible. Please reply as soon as you can so that we may share this wealth.

More sequel pitches that didn't quite make the grade

Freddy vs. Freddie - One of the many discarded ideas following the success of Freddy vs. Jason, this epic rock opera proposed a battle for the underworld between Freddy Krueger and rock god Freddie Mercury. Negotiations stalled when Robert Englund backed out of the project, citing his refusal to take a punch from a "mincing poof in sparkly overalls."

Speed 3: Deadly Skies - In an attempt to reinvigorate Sandra Bullock's career, the third installment imagined her character stuck on an airplane that could not descend below 50,000 feet or a container of deadly komodo dragons would be released from the cargo hold. Executives got cold feet after the disappointing performance of Snakes on a Plane.

Clueless Again - With a script penned by Alicia Silverstone herself, the Clueless sequel found her character Cher Horowitz left without any memory of her past after a car accident. In a hilarious reversal of roles, Brittany Murphy's character Tai returns to help Cher remember how to be fabulous. Murphy turned down the role, explaining that she felt it was beneath her as one of Hollywood's most respected dramatic actresses.

The Aristocrats 2 - This sequel to the classic comedy documentary was designed to feature comics who have fallen out of the spotlight continue to tell their own versions of history's dirtiest joke. Stars included Gallagher, Joe Piscopo, Carrot Top, and that blonde guy who did Weekend Update on SNL in the 80's. The plug was pulled when it could not be confirmed that the majority of the featured comics planned were still alive.

Coming to America: Going Back to Africa - Desperate for anything that would revive his drawing power, Eddie Murphy planned to play no less than 36 different characters in this sequel about Prince Akeem's humorous attempts to reacclimate himself to life as an African prince after becoming thoroughly Americanized during his stay. The project is still tied up in litigation after Arsenio Hall challenged Murphy's restraining order barring him from coming within 500 feet of the lot because he's bad luck.

Caring for your new Vagrant

Congratulations! Adopting one of the country's many homeless can be a loving and rewarding experience for the entire family. This guide will help you to ensure that your little transient provides you with a long life full of joy and affection.

Training

Even the slowest of society's downtrodden can be taught to behave in a manner befitting a member of the household through simple commands and positive reinforcement. Is he digging through the garbage? A forceful "No!" followed by a light rap on the bottom should be enough of a deterrent. For repeat offenses, consider making him spend the night outdoors as further punishment. Did she piddle on the carpet? Again, a "No!" should suffice. Rubbing her nose in her mess may be appropriate in extreme situations.
When they do good, always remember that treats make an excellent reward. When you tell him to roll over, he will remember that bottle of Southern Rose in the cabinet and happily comply.

Grooming

Your first step after adoption should be to have your new friend cleaned and clipped by a professional. Flea and tick baths, shaving, and possible declawing will ensure that he makes an excellent first impression on the family. From then on, weekly baths should be enough to keep your homeless person happy and healthy. To avoid excess grime buildup in the tub, keep in mind that there is nothing they love more than running from the hose in the backyard.
Dressing your hobo can reflect your personal tastes and style. There are a wide variety of adorable outfits and costumes available. With a little creativity you can have the cutest vagrant in the neighborhood!

Diet and Exercise

Your homeless person is used to eating the stale discarded remnants from the meals of those more fortunate. A sudden change in diet can lead to an upset tummy or even more serious problems. Table scraps will keep any hobo happy and contented, with the occasional day old doughnut or piece of candy from the couch cushions as an extra treat.
Proper exercise is the most important step in a healthy vagrant. If you don't have a nice yard for your homeless person to stretch his legs in, daily walks are a must. Be sure to follow your neighborhood's leash laws. In the city the temptation to run off and play with his friends in the wild may prove too much for your little pet to resist.

Breeding

Breeding homeless people is generally frowned upon due to the large number of those still unadopted. If you do choose to breed your vagrant, be sure to choose a mate of healthy stock to avoid the possibility of genetic defect. Racing hobos are a special breed and require great skill in pairing the best matches.

With the proper care and affection, your homeless person will provide endless loyalty and entertainment. Before long, Gus will be just like a member of the family!

My deepest condolences...

...that your baby has flippers.

...for the whole Macarena thing.

...about the penile implant.

...that you have lost the gift of gab (and your tongue).

...for the day laborers in the laundry room.

...about the collector's edition director's cut of Boxing Helena.

...that your automatic adult diaper changer failed to catch on.

...for the soup mixup.

Classic children's books revamped for modern times

Frog and Toad are Lovers

The Bulimic Little Caterpillar

Amelia Bedelia and a Woman's Right to Choose

Miss Nelson is now Mr. Nelson!

Mike Mulligan and his Black Lung

Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Blood Test

Curious George Goes to Iraq

Goodnight Moon, Good Morning Nuclear Winter

Paddington Bear Shoots a Beaner

Babar the Shah

The Berenstain Bears Learn About Incest

Busy Town's Unfortunate Hurricane Preparedness

Who wears short shorts?

Those creepy guys that take jogging way too seriously.

The "Hooters" girls.

The less successful "Wieners" boys.

Home fitness equipment models.

The Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders.

The Dallas Cowboys team astrologist.

WHACK! - New Mexico's finest WHAM! tribute band.

George Takei's personal assistant.

Slutty Chihuahuas

Chuck Norris

Tips on avoiding the flu

• Be sure to disinfect your surroundings daily. Forget Lysol - fire is the only true cleanser.
• Wash your hands as often as possible. If you already have a problem with washing them too much, maintain your normal routine.
• Distance yourself from infected loved ones both physically and emotionally. The flu virus thrives on compassion.
• Flu shots are for suckers. That's just saline they inject into you. Now they have your DNA, dummy.
• Stock up on flu medicines to the point where you control the entire town's supply. Then its your turn to call the shots.
• Stay away from Armenians. They are crawling with the stuff.
• If feasible, have a team of scientists shrunk to microscopic size to patrol your body in some sort of spacecraft as a first line of defense.
• Offer a blood sacrifice to the fearsome Gogg, the Pagan god of disease. Involve the children for educational family fun!
• If you do come down with the flu, you are no longer responsible for your actions. The virus will worm its way into your brain and force you to commit horrible acts in order for it to spread to new hosts, kind of like that rage stuff in 28 Days Later. Just remember to explain this to the judge.

Abandoned breakfast cereal prototypes

Beet Flakes

Captain Mush

Crunk Berries

Lice Crispies

Spix

Golden Shower Crisp

Liver Nuts

Manson O's

Obscure internet acronyms

SOAMIF - Shitting on a monkey in fear

CTBMBF - Can't talk, being molested by father/family member

TWC - Typing with cock

HFF - Hungry for flesh

OBBO - Overwhelmed by body odor

BMOB - Buying/Berating/Beating/Boning mail order bride

PITO - Pain in the orifice

NSFJ - Not safe for Jews

WWGD? - What would Geraldo do?

LOLCI - Laughing out loud, crying inside

J/KBYRAAFDPOS - Just kidding, but you really are a fat disgusting piece of shit

The Adventures of Dale Earnhardt and Jesus

The black #3 car tore down heaven's highway with a fury unmatched even in the most blistering fires of hell. The Intimidator gritted his teeth and shifted gear, rapidly gaining ground on the fleeing sinners in the evil-fueled rocket car. Riding shotgun, Jesus loaded his automatic and braced for the impact. "We gotta get these guys Dale, or Dad's gonna be pissed."
Earnhardt chuckled and risked a glance at his partner. "Don't you worry, J-man, nobody gets away from #3."
They rammed the rear of the rocket car with enough force to send it spinning off the highway and headlong into the retaining wall. Dale brought the car to a skidding halt with an air of satisfaction. "I love it when they go out like that."
Jesus approached the smoking wreck carefully. "Looks like they won't be taking a victory lap," he said grimly. Jesus put in a call in to dispatch to send the meat wagon and sat on the hood of #3 with a weary sigh.
"What's wrong, partner?" Dale asked, placing a hand on Jesus's hunched shoulder. "We got 'em didn't we?"
"I just wish there was some other way, Dale. I know the wicked must be punished, but I'm getting just a little tired of handing out divine justice with a race car."
Dale gazed into the setting sun thoughtfully. "Kicking ass and taking names has always been my way of life. I'll be the Intimidator for all of time. But you, you weren't meant for this kind of work."
Jesus gazed into his best friend's eyes. "What are you trying to say, Dale?"
"Well old buddy, it might just be time for you to turn in your badge."
A tear escaped the son of God's eye and rolled down his cheek. "But what about you Dale?"
Earnhardt pulled Jesus into a firm embrace. "Whatever you do," he whispered, "you'll always have me."

Officers serving under the command of Captain Kangaroo

Commander Funkenstein

Lieutenant Commander Sprinkles

Lieutenant Headwound (KIA)

Lieutenant Ferret

Ensign Steve (AWOL)

Ensign Pap Smear

Little known facts about Paris Hilton

• Can distend her jaw to devour larger prey such as antelope, ponies, and quadruple-whoppers.
• Recorded secret bonus track on her debut album Paris consisting of a three and half hour reading of The Communist Manifesto set to looping calliope music.
• Is the world's leading expert on genital profiling.
• Tried to eat Courtney Love to "consume her essence," ended up with scabies.
• Lazy eye is actually a biological early warning system against predators and IRS agents.
• Forged Nicole Ritchie's existence from one of her ribs to replace the original Ritchie child, who was taken by gypsies in the dead of night.
• Was the inspiration for the hit "The Purple People Eater" after one of her many trips through time and corporeal manipulation.
• Penned a series of how to books on taxidermy under the pseudonym "Ernestine Maggie Dior."
• Only deposits bodily waste once every moon cycle in a specially constructed chamber capable of withstanding a direct nuclear blast or an ambush by a rabid Leeza Gibbons.
• Coined the term "Cunt Buggies" through her fierce mistrust of the Amish.
• Will only snort cocaine off the belly of a newborn albino baby.
• Can beat any man in a Haiku battle, but only if the subject is foot odor or depilatory cream.
• Sleeps with a blowup Ted Kennedy doll on rainy nights.
• Voted in Preschool as "Most likely to bring about the fall of humankind."

Inspiring half-time speeches

December 7, 1934. The Schenectady Sturgeons lead the Dover Red Savages 65-0 at the half.

Listen up men! I know things look bad, but by gum if they can score 65 points in one half so can we! Sure, we lost all three of our quarterbacks in the first quarter. Oh, good news, the doctors gave Johnson a 50/50 chance of ever walking again. But that kid we picked out of the stands, what's his name again? Skippy? He ought to be right as rain again once they realign his jaw. As long as he can keep handing it off to reliable old Buckner here...what? When? Did he say if he was coming back? He said that? And my mother huh? That no good son of a...
Anyway, forget about Buckner. We'll be just fine with Anderson's lucky leg on our side. Oh right, sorry. I'm sure you'll still be able to play with prosthetic toes. That 75-yard field goal try really looked like it had a chance before it bounced off the back of Tubman's head and the linebacker ran you over on the return.
Ahem, even still, I have nothing but faith in you. Grady - that was a hell of a block on the weak side when they collapsed Perry's lung on that safety. If you hadn't picked up the sixth rusher, they might have killed the poor lad.
Jackson - good effort on that punt block! Of course, the play was whistled dead 30 seconds before you even got to the ball, but that's the kind of stuff I like to see. Hustle wins games!
And Quinn - you can't let the defense get into your head like that. We've all heard the jokes about your sister and the garden hose. But bawling like a baby while you tattle to the refs isn't going to win the respect you deserve.
So what's it going to be men? We are the Savages! Remember our motto: Beat us once, shame on you. Beat us twice, shame on us. Beat us for the 435th time? Only if we beat ourselves! Now lets get out there and show 'em what we got!
Oh, except for you Brady. The doc says its probably not a good idea to put you back in the game with your eye hanging out of the socket like that.