Little known facts about Paris Hilton

• Can distend her jaw to devour larger prey such as antelope, ponies, and quadruple-whoppers.
• Recorded secret bonus track on her debut album Paris consisting of a three and half hour reading of The Communist Manifesto set to looping calliope music.
• Is the world's leading expert on genital profiling.
• Tried to eat Courtney Love to "consume her essence," ended up with scabies.
• Lazy eye is actually a biological early warning system against predators and IRS agents.
• Forged Nicole Ritchie's existence from one of her ribs to replace the original Ritchie child, who was taken by gypsies in the dead of night.
• Was the inspiration for the hit "The Purple People Eater" after one of her many trips through time and corporeal manipulation.
• Penned a series of how to books on taxidermy under the pseudonym "Ernestine Maggie Dior."
• Only deposits bodily waste once every moon cycle in a specially constructed chamber capable of withstanding a direct nuclear blast or an ambush by a rabid Leeza Gibbons.
• Coined the term "Cunt Buggies" through her fierce mistrust of the Amish.
• Will only snort cocaine off the belly of a newborn albino baby.
• Can beat any man in a Haiku battle, but only if the subject is foot odor or depilatory cream.
• Sleeps with a blowup Ted Kennedy doll on rainy nights.
• Voted in Preschool as "Most likely to bring about the fall of humankind."