Not So Well Known Alter-Egos of David Bowie

Norman Finklestein and the Lads from Accounting

Captain Oceanspray and the Lobsters from Atlantis

Johnny American and the Gang from the Yogurt Shoppe

Mrs. Kensington and the Girls from the Book Club

Mars Spiderman and the Ziggies from Stardust

Kenneth Dracula and the Spooks from Spookytown

If Texas was a little more meek...

Excuse me, but would you mind leaving Texas out of this?

Texas doesn't appreciate that, mister.

Gosh darn it, Texas wishes you would just cut the malarkey!

Okay, okay, Texas says uncle!

Please don't make a mess in Texas. Thank you.

Movie Review - Skin Walkers

by Ester Jenkins-Mulrooney-Smith




After seeing all the commercials on the television for this movie I was about to review, I worried that it was going to be nothing but blood and guts and naughty language. Imagine my surprise when I took my usual seat in the front row of the local movie house and was treated to a wonderful story about understanding and accepting your fellow man.

Skin Walkers is a story about a group of fun-loving colored fellows who try to join an elite country club to play a little golf and relax. Unfortunately, the snobby white owner of the country club immediately figures the boys for riff-raff and refuses to let them join. A plucky young assistant to the mean old owner finds an overlooked rule in the country club charter that allows for anyone who was denied membership to appeal the denial by winning 18 holes of golf. Despite the owner's protests, a tournament is underway in no time.

Although they aren't the best golfers in town, the group of playful friends manage to stay competitive through the use of wacky hijinks and good clean fun. It all comes down to the last hole, and I won't spoil the ending for you, but let's just say that the club might just be getting a new hip-hop attitude in the near future.

I highly recommend this film to anyone who loves to laugh, no matter what the age. There was one particular flatulence joke that I found to be in somewhat bad taste, but my grandson Jodie found it to be absolutely hysterical.

Be sure not to miss Skin Walkers at a theater near you. It might just teach you a thing or two about not judging your fellow man by the color of his skin, or the size of his pants.

The Greatest Video Ever

I am waiting for a new bed today so I will simply post this slice of heaven:



I wonder if this scared Indian kids as much as Thriller scared American kids? It probably did, but in a completely different way.

Lance Fisticuffs, Nazi Puncher

"So tell me Colonel Robohitler, how do you like your knuckle sandwich? With or without mayo?"
Lance smiled as the evil cyborg colonel glared at him in confusion. He readied his favorite punching hand for a knockout blow. "Lance, wait!" Johnny Haymaker, Lance's trusted friend and sidekick, burst onto the terrace before he could strike. "That isn't the real Colonel Robohitler! It's a duplicate triggered to explode when punched!"
"A duplicate huh?" Lance studied the hated Nazi carefully. "They did an excellent job, I must say." He grabbed the imposter colonel by the lapel and hoisted him easily into the air. "Let's see how well Nazi clones can fly!" Lance hurled the shrieking cyborg over the wall of the castle, and watched it fall to the jagged rocks hundreds of feet below. True to Johnny's word, the duplicate exploded with a massive fireball upon impact.
"Good work, Johnny. An explosion like that might have damaged my good punching hand." Johnny's reply was drowned out by the sudden roar of an approaching helicopter. The real Colonel Robohitler leaned out of the machine with a megaphone. "I see you managed to avoid my little trap, Fisticuffs. That was merely a distraction, it kept you busy just long enough for me to steal the world's only functional organic disruptor ray!"
"Organic disruptor ray?" said Johnny, "What in the love of America is that?"
Colonel Robohitler cackled wildly. "Allow me to demonstrate!"
A strange blue ray shot from the helicopter and enveloped Lance Fisticuffs. "My...my hands!" he cried. "Aaaaaargh!" Johnny watched in horror as Lance's manly hands shrank to a third of their normal size.
"Let's see your mighty punch now!" Colonel Robohitler gloated. "Now my army has nothing to fear from you! We will conquer the world!" With that, the helicopter took off into the night, leaving a shocked Lance Fisticuffs reeling over the loss of his punching power.
"What will I do?" he asked miserably. "Without my punch I am nothing!"
"Don't worry Lance," Johnny replied bravely. "We'll get your punch back. It's a promise!"

Will Lance get his hands back to normal in time to stop the evil Colonel Robohitler? Find out next week on Lance Fisticuffs, Nazi Puncher!

lolmovies

Because the meme refuses to die...

Illegal Hobbies of the NFL

In light of the recent dog fighting scandal surrounding Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell ordered a league-wide investigation into any other illegal hobbies or sports that players may be involved in. Here are the shocking secret activities of some of the NFL's brightest stars that the investigation uncovered:

Brian Urlacher - Chicago - Grizzly Bear Tea-Bagging

Jeff Garcia - San Francisco/Cleveland/Detroit/Philadelphia/Tampa Bay - Taiwanese Glory Holing

Daunte Culpepper - Minnesota/Miami/? - Monkey Fencing

Ray Lewis - Baltimore - Hobo Stabbing

Brett Favre - Atlanta/Green Bay - Kitten Tossing

Chad Johnson - Cincinatti - White Girl Rustling

Joey Porter - Pittsburgh/Miami - Little Baby Duckling Skeet Shooting

More heinous activities are sure to be uncovered as this investigation continues. Check back for continuing updates to this outrageous story.

Know Your Cylons!

The danger of extinction grows by the day. It could be your priest, your mailman, even your youngest son, Timmy. Everyone knows that the Cylons walk among us now, but knowing how to spot them is the important difference between annihilation and salvation. The following are some basic tips on identifying these robots in disguise.

1. Physical Perfection: Ladies, have you ever wondered how your neighbor can eat all that pasta and cake at the neighborhood block party and still fit into that size zero dress? Well now you know the answer - she's one of the robot menace!

2. Body Odor: Though the Cylons are capable of sweating, they have yet to master the intricacies of body odor. Does your racquetball partner smell unusually fresh after a long, grueling match? Chances are he is one of them.

3. Trivia Skills: Because they are machines, Cylons store data just as a computer would, able to recall any fact in an instant. Due to their arrogant nature, Cylons are sometimes unable to resist the lure of trivia night at the local bar. If you spot someone dominating everyone else in the game but going light on the buffalo wings, it is your civic duty to report them.

4. Bathroom Habits: In the men's room, is there one guy who never seems to use the urinal? A man who will wait for a stall if they are all full even if there is an open spot on the wall? Cylon males are unable to maintain gyroscopic balance while urinating in a standing position. If you see that guy who always goes for the stall, his mother either raised him poorly or he is a Cylon.

5. Artistic Taste: One of the easiest ways to spot a machine is to excitedly gush about the current Larry the Cable Guy/Adam Sandler/Jim Carrey/Pussycat Dolls/Fergie/American Idol/Jim Belushi project. A roll of the eyes is an instant guilty verdict!

New methods of identifying Cylons are discovered every day. As a member of the last remains of humankind, it is your responsibility to be vigilant at all times. Cylon notification centers are located at your convenience at all major thoroughfares. You may also dial 1-800-IR-CYLON to report any suspicious activity.

I cannot hide it any longer, I am a closet kite enthusiast.

I know this comes as a shock to you honey, and I can totally understand if you need some time for this, but I just had to get this off my chest. I've kept my shameful secret buried deep down for twelve long years of marriage. I only hope that you can look past my love of kites and we can try to put this behind us.

It started out innocently enough. A few stashed away bundles of silk, some wistful doodles. Soon I was scouring the internet for fantastic kite festivals in far off foreign lands, checking out books full of beautiful and complex box kite designs, and secretly keeping string in my underwear. By the time I realized I was a full-blown enthusiast, I was sneaking out of the house in the middle of the night to sail against the wind with my lovingly hand made flier.

Oh Barbara, I can see by the look on your face that you find my obsession disgusting and horrible. But it is who I am! I beg you to give it time, eventually you will see that there is nothing wrong with loving kites! You may even come to like them yourself!

I'm sorry, I shouldn't have insinuated that you might enjoy something like that. Please Barbara, all I ask is for a little understanding. Let me be me, and let me enjoy my kites!

Oh, you're going to stay with your sister for a while. Ok, I understand, take all the time you need to come to terms with what I have just told you. I'll wait here for you, my loving wife, except for the weekend of the 15th when I'll be at the "Come Fly Away!" festival in Roanoke, Virginia. It is time to come out of the closet, by god, and announce to the world that I am a kite lover!

Fire Safety Tips

Fire is a deadly predator, constantly waiting for an opportunity to destroy everything that you hold dear. Follow these simple tips to keep you and your loved ones safe and sound.

• Those who have sinned burn faster. Chastity is asbestos for the soul.
• You may be faced with the difficult decision of only being able to save one of your children. Be sure to pick the one with the most promising athletic skills.
• If you are able to start fires with your mind, it may be a good idea to keep more than one extinguisher in the house.
• The entire family should be familiar with the house evacuation procedure. If Grandma isn't getting it, she may have to start sleeping outside.
• Smoking in bed is a huge fire risk. Try huffing paint instead.
• While you may consider all of your possessions to be priceless, the Prada bag is the only thing worth risking your life to save.
• Throwing water on a grease fire will only spread the flames. Throwing the cat on a grease fire should do nicely.
• If you are an unusually heavy sleeper, try wiring the smoke detector directly to your genitals.
• "Stop, drop, and roll" is for pussies. Take it like a man.
• During a fire, be sure to check all doorknobs for heat before opening any doors. The next room could contain a raging inferno, or sizzling Latin flavor.

These easy to remember tips will help to make sure that your family doesn't become victims of the cruel mistress that is fire.

Captain Starjammer and the Continuing Adventures of the Galaxy Brigade, Chapter 14: Treason!

"If it wasn't for your inept leadership," snarled Ensign Quark as he waived his laser pistol menacingly, "We wouldn't be stuck out here in the most desolate region of the universe!"
"Think of the consequences of your actions, Ensign. They will vaporize you for this." Captain Starjammer warned gravely.
Ensign Quark snickered. "Vaporize me? They'll give me a medal when they see how poorly you've conducted this rescue operation. Princess Palusian is still in the vile clutches of Grobbo Crudd and his evil space goblins, and we are no closer to saving her than when we left Galaxy Brigade headquarters three days ago!"
Captain Starjammer exhaled sharply and began to slowly approach the brash young Ensign. Quark backed away nervously, pointing the laser pistol at the Captain's chest. "Lower your weapon, Ensign, before I get really angry."
"Stay back!" Quark shrieked. "I'm taking over this ship! I'll shoot you if I must!"
As Quark ran out of room to retreat, Captain Starjammer quickly closed the distance until the laser pistol jutted into his strong chest. "If you have the guts, Ensign, then pull that trigger." Ensign Quark shook and whimpered for a few long moments. Finally, Captain Starjammer dropped him to the floor with a thunderous slap to the face. "Commander Nebula, escort this traitor to the brig immediately!"
Commander Nebula dragged Quark's unconscious body from the room while Captain Starjammer turned to study the main view screen that dominated the ship's bridge. Chief Science Officer Thaddeus Gray approached the Captain's side quietly. "Do you think we'll find her in time, Captain?"
"We must, old friend." Captain Starjammer answered stoically, "The future of the Galaxy Brigade depends on it."

Will the Galaxy Brigade rescue princess Palusian before Grobbo Crudd and his evil space goblins reveal their evil intentions? Find out next week on Captain Starjammer and the Continuing Adventures of the Galaxy Brigade!

80's Porn Titles

Cum on Eileen

Here's the Beef

Everyone Wants Candy

The Lust Boys

Like an Anal Virgin

T.J. the Hooker

Fuck Like an Egyptian

Face Invaders

Charles: Large and in Charge

Horny Like the Wolf

Fun Party Games for Kids!

Spin the Needle

Pin the Rape on the Black Guy

Down Goes Mommy's Underpants

Steal the Bacon, Fuck tha Police

Find the Key to the Liquor Cabinet

Hide Daddy's Cigarettes

Kick the Cat

Summon the Dark Lord Shoggoth the Destroyer

Urinate on the Homeless

Kill the Whitey

It's pronounced "Hee-ro" you dumb son of a bitch!

That's it! I'm sick of all you dumb fuck Americans coming in here ordering "Jiy-Roes" all the frigging time. You come in my sub shop, you speak my language! It's "Hee-ro," stupid!

And don't get me started on the Souvlaki. "Slovaki?" "Sokavi?" "Saki?" What the hell people?!?

I run the finest Greek sub shop in town, and I expect a certain level of respect in my establishment. If you can't be bothered to learn how to correctly pronounce what you want, then you will not be allowed to have it. That's it, I have put my foot down.

Now, what can I get you please? Hee-ro, yes good work on the pronunciation. Spinach pie, ok no problem there. Anything to drink? What's that? "Weezeo?!?"

That's it! Get the fuck out of my store!

Sin and Fecundity

"It has been two weeks," Sir Percy Farthington whispered breathlessly, "Since I happened a glance at your bare shoulder. I must confess, my lady, that I have been consumed with that image every waking moment since!"
"But Sir Farthington!" Lady Chattingham exclaimed. "I am engaged to be wed to the Earl of Smithsville this very Saint Jonathan's day! Think of the scandal!"
"Scandal be damned!" Sir Farthington drew as close as he dared. "I wonder, dear madam, would you..."
"Oh no! You must not even speak it!"
"But speak it I must indeed, and speak it aloud for all to hear! Sweet Lady Chattingham, would you do me the honor of allowing me to gaze upon your unclothed back?"
Lady Chattingham swooned, nearly collapsing to the floor in faint. "You disgrace this house with your disgusting suggestion, sir, yet I cannot deny that it has aroused something of a fire inside me. Quickly, take your fill of my flesh while I undo my bodice!"
Lady Chattingham hurriedly exposed her fair back to the weak-kneed Sir Farthington. "Beautiful lady," he breathed, "Were that heavenly expanse of skin under my husbandly authority, oh such sins I would commit upon it!"
"Good Sir Farthington, your scandalous words send a tingle through my unmentionable areas!"
Just then the Earl of Smithsville arrived to visit his glowing fiancée, catching her and her suitor in a situation most unbecoming. "What is the meaning of this perversity?" he roared.
"My lord!" whimpered Lady Chattingham, "It is not as it appears!"
"No matter what it may be," he glowered, turning his attention to Sir Farthington, "You have disgraced my betrothed. Arm yourself, brigand, and defend your honor!"
"I accept your challenge gladly," Sir Farthington exclaimed confidently. "We shall duel with pistols at dawn for the hand of this fair beauty!"


In the next chapter: Will Sir Farthington defeat the cruel Earl of Smithsville and win the love of Lady Chattingham? Find out next week on Doddering Theater!

Program Guide for the Playboy Channel

7am - The Sexy Morning News

10:30am - Anal Aerobics with Destiny

11am - Sexy Hospital

12pm - Nude Cooking with Shoshanna

12:30pm - The Pillow Fight Hour

1:30pm - Body Painting with Krista

2:00pm - Sexy Lifeguards

3:00pm - Lesbian High School

4:00pm - Sexy Judge Chastity

4:30pm - Sexy Judge Layla

5:00pm - The Double D Family

6:00pm - The Sexy Evening News

7:30pm - Strip Poker Showdown

8:00pm - Sexy Crime Scene Investigators

9:00pm - Who Wants to Screw Candice?

10:00pm - Sexy Attorneys

11:00pm - Late Night Phone Sex with Darla

1:00am - Sexy Paid Programming

Embarrassing Baby Names

Boys

Gaylord

Tibonerous

Wussley

Limpington

Weecock

Girls

Fannie

Looselina

Hysterectiffer

Sagitha

Poontangie

Movie Review - Transformers

by Phinneus McCracken

I heard there's been a lot of fussin' on the internet about the new Transformers movie, and I'll be darned if I can figure out what all the excitement is about. I went in to the local movie house expecting a big loud obnoxious summer blockbuster crap fest, but what I found was a charming little tale about love and the true meaning of devotion.

Now the feller what rips the tickets gave me the strangest look when I came through the line, I guess he didn't expect an older gentleman like myself to seek out such fare. I tell you I was so riled up by this blatant ageism I darn near went into the wrong theater by mistake. As I sat down I noticed that there were surprisingly few other patrons in this particular theater. I guess all the teenagers and internet geeks prefer the later showings. I put in my trusty earplugs to protect myself against the barrage of unnecessary sound effects that I was sure were coming my way, but boy was I shocked to hear the soothing strings of a sweet little violin piece.

Transformers stars the incomparable Mandy Moore and some feller I've seen on the TV as a soon to be married couple that have the perfect little church in mind for their wedding. Trouble is, they have to pass a marriage course taught by the head reverend, who just happens to be everyone's favorite rascal, Robin Williams.

The film was a joy, I had such a good old time watching the hapless couple struggle through Reverend Frank's zany tests to prove their devotion to one another. I won't spoil the ending, but let's just say this old guy was feeling a little misty-eyed.

Never in my 50 some-odd years of movie reviewing have I been so pleasantly surprised by an over hyped summer movie as I was by Transformers. It seems a little odd that the budget for this movie was so high, although I imagine a star of Robin Williams' caliber commands a pretty penny these days. I also thought I heard something about robots and cars, but I really didn't see anything like that. Maybe I was just too caught up in Mandy's dazzling smile to notice.

In conclusion, I give Transformers my whole-hearted recommendation, if you want a sweet little story that won't make your head hurt and your ears ring. I still don't understand what all the fuss is about, but you never can tell with those computer people these days.

Inappropriate Ice Breakers

"I couldn't help but notice your fever blister."

"Did you know that it's legal to breed leeches in your bath tub?"

"Oh my, I could get lost in those pores."

"I have a masters degree in pussyology."

"Have you ever been inside a casket?"

"People tell me that I look like a young Joseph Stalin."

"I've swallowed fluids from over half of the people in this room."

"Bacon is an excellent aphrodisiac."

"I love children! The law says I might love them too much."

"You know what's good for a sore throat? My semen."

Look, up in the sky! It's a bird! It's a plane! It's...

...the retainer I lost in 1983!

...Charo!

...a conservative budget proposal!

...my underpants!

...Captain Daterape!

...the Electric Slide!

...Princess Di!

...your worst nightmare!

...Mecha-Hitler!

...my never ending shame!

...Colostomy Boy!

The Emergency Room is the 10th Circle of Hell

Because I'm retarded, I decided to go to the E.R. to have my knee checked out nearly two weeks after injuring it while shooting pool, of all things. The knee was still bothering me after all this time despite the care measures I had been taking, so I wanted to make sure I didn't really mess myself up. Of course, after tests and X-Rays they confirmed that I had not seriously damaged anything, and that I should continue doing what I have been doing. Three hours for nothing. At least the X-Ray woman was pretty hot, although she had me in a few less than dignified positions. A couple of thoughts:

To the lady with the back spasms that kept screaming and moaning and generally making everyone uncomfortable - sorry it took them so long to do anything but honestly, were you really in that much pain? There have been births that had less drama.

And to the girl who kept staggering around the waiting room clutching her stomach while her mom kept asking if she had to throw up - thank you for not throwing up.