Drunken responses to video game dialogue Pt. 2: Jade Empire (Again)

>The evil has left a taint on my holy sanctum!<

"Oh my..."

Drunken responses to video game dialogue Pt. 1: Jade Empire

>To even set foot in the emperor's inner chambers is considered the highest of honors!<

"Well then I'm gonna set my whole ass in it!"

Attention Georgette Ridenour, whoever the hell you are:

I must respectfully but sternly request that you cease giving out my phone number as your own. It is a bit demoralizing when all five messages on the answering machine each day are for someone else. Creditors generally tend to be nasty people, and I don't enjoy talking to them either. Especially when they refuse to believe I'm not trying to cover up for you while you high-tail it out the back door. And ordering pizzas with a phone number that's not even yours? That's just blatantly retarded.

By the way, the people at the medical center billing department seem really upset with you. Just a heads up.

The Douchebag Hall of Fame

Hehe, the link:

Douchebag Hall of Fame

And a snippet:

Remember when being punk meant getting a blowjob in the alley outside a $5 rock show, then walking in and getting hit with a Dixie Cup full of piss? Today it means moshing it up in the pit at Madison Square Garden while your parents hold your coat and mittens. Thanks a lot, Good Charlotte.

Five reasons why I will never be Pope

1. The Scranton Incident
2. Not partial to elaborate headwear
3. Waving skills mediocre at best
4. Probable excommunication abuse
5. The whole Catholic thing

Little known facts about Abraham Lincoln

• Coined the phrase "All that and a bag of chips," but found no applicable uses at the time.
• Lowered troop morale by disguising himself as a Confederate soldier and repeatedly asking others "What if instead of slaves, we all owned puppies?"
  
• Invented the Internet, but lost the plans somewhere in Nashville, Tennessee.
  
• Ordered all horses on his estate to be done up to look like Unicorns.
• Constantly practiced signing "Mrs. Abraham Jefferson" in his diary.
  
• Quietly and without fanfare drafted a peace accord with the Archion race from the Xeno System.
• Once tickled a man in Reno, just to watch him laugh.
  
• Moved the Mason Dixon line 2 miles south without anyone noticing.
• Tragically, was talked out of wearing his favorite metal "Play Watchin" helmet by Mary Todd.
  

10 Possible Nicknames for your Vagina

The Love Shack

Princess Peach

The Doomsday Device

Maid Marian

Candyland

The Slip N' Slide (good for when expecting)

Xanadu

The Jewel of the Nile

The Tunnel of Love

Fort Knox

10 Possible Nicknames for your Wiener

Cornelius Longfellow

Captain Stubing

Tom Swift

Number One (as in Star Trek, not the bathroom function. Although I guess that kind of fits too.)

Robin Hood and His Merry Men (best if uncircumcised)

Peter Pants

The Rock and/or The Hard Place

Master P.

Tiny Tim

Cobra Commander

Diary of the Dead

The trades have announced that George A. Romero is set to go on his next movie, titled Diary of the Dead. The plot involves a group of college students who are in the woods filming a no-budget horror movie when the zombie uprising begins. The filmmakers decide to cast real zombies in their picture once they realize how slow and easy to herd they are. As in all of the Dead movies, I'm sure this decision will turn out to be a bad idea.
A lot of folks are none too keen on this announcement, some comparing it to the Blair Witch Project. Romero is supposedly independently financing this flick on the cheap outside of the studio system and shooting it on DV.
I, for one, think it sounds pretty damn interesting. I still have yet to fall in love with Land of the Dead as I've only seen it twice (and only once sober), but there are moments and ideas that I really liked. I shall remain optimistic, its hard to doubt the master. At least when it comes to zombie movies.

Woo hoo!

Over 100 unique hits in less than 2 weeks, and only like a quarter of that is me. Whoever the hell is out there reading this - thanks!

Gaaah! Get your freaky hairy fudge block off my lawn!!!

Pretty much all of the Domino's Pizza commercials are intolerable, (I'm surprised that the goddam "Triple Loaded" commercial hasn't inspired a mass murder yet) but the newest one is just creepy. The delivery guy is standing there next to what looks like a big fur covered cube with arms and legs that leaves brown stains on people when they touch it. Its supposed to be a promotion for their brownie square things, but ewww.

Ohhhh, BurgerVORES

I kept thinking they were saying "Burgerwhores" in those Wendy's commercials. It always amazed me that they got away with it. Now that I know the truth, I feel empty inside.

Raging Boll?!?

Woop! Oft-maligned director Uwe Boll announced a few months back that he would personally take on 5 of his harshest critics in individual boxing matches. By all accounts, Dr. Boll is no slouch in the ring, so seeing him go toe to toe with the average internet movie critic sounds insanely awesome. If what I read today is true, 2 of those critics are Lowtax from SomethingAwful, and MiraJeff from Aint It Cool News. Those are two of my favorite sites, and its great that they each get a chance to knock Uwe on his ass. I've only ever seen about 15 minutes of House of the Dead, and while it was certainly horrible, I have seen worse. I'm sure his other films are just as bad, but he is an amusing character. GoldenPalace.com has picked up sponsorship of the event and have dubbed it "Raging Boll." I can't wait!

Some of my favorites

A few of the blogs I visit often:

http://manvsclown.cracked.com - Often amusing thoughts from a Canadian Copy Editor.

www.joshreads.com - The Comics Curmudgeon, great reviews and comments on a random assortment of daily newspaper strips.

www.permanent-monday.blogspot.com - I know, I know, Garfield is terrible. But the way this guy analyzes each strip makes it all better.

www.doiteverytime.blogspot.com - Hilarious daily reviews of possibly the lamest comic strip ever.

And just so it doesn't look like I'm obsessed with comic strips:

www.tuckermax.com - The man, the legend, but you probably already knew that.

www.tard-blog.com - Funny, often oddly charming stories by a special ed teacher. Sadly, it doesn't seem to get updated anymore.

www.gaijinsmash.net - An American's tales of teaching English to Japanese schoolchildren

Check 'em out!

I've been fed...

...and I'm ripping off jokes from Attack of the Show, but I couldn't resist. Well, color me disappointed. I imagine the pitch meeting for Feed, if there was one, went something like "Its Shallow Hal meets Silence of the Lambs by way of Tony Scott!" Pretty much a woman in a fat suit and a cookie cutter serial killer plot with lots of visual flair. It wasn't a bad movie per se, but my expectations were quite high. I'm sure normal people would probably have been sickened and horrified at the sight of >SPOILER WARNING!< a man feeding the liquefied fat of one dead 600-pound woman to another living 600-pound woman through a funnel and hose, but I'm just too damn jaded. I should probably be more concerned about that.

Holy wow! Oh my jeez!

That old 80's Dungeons and Dragons cartoon is on teevee! Man that takes me back. As a lad, I had a crush on the chick with the invisible cloak. God I'm a nerd.

To SoaP or not to SoaP

Ah, decisions decisions. As an internet nerd I feel I owe it to contribute to the opening weekend of Snakes on a Plane, but its just been too long coming. Had the movie come out 2 months ago, when the fever was at its nerdly pitch, I'd have been first in line. But now.........its just been so overdone. I still want to see it, but is the magic gone?

Tips on Avoiding Shark Attacks

-Wear slimming black swimwear to appear less filling.

-Eat lots of garlic but avoid beaches frequented by Italian sharks.

-Learn the mysteries of "Shark-Fu," display proficiency in the ancient aquatic martial art at every opportunity.

-Adopt an injured seal as a pet, keep it on a 30-yard leash when in the water as an early warning device.

-Proudly display scars from previous shark attack. Nobody likes sloppy seconds.

-If possible, befriend Roy Scheider. All sharks know not to fuck with that guy.

-If a shark approaches, openly mock its dorsal fin. They are kind of sensitive about those things.

-When a punch to the nose is ineffective, try a kick in the nuts. Sharks have those, I promise.

Innocent Bystanders to Major Movie Moments, Pt. 1

Scene: A middle-aged married couple dine at an upscale New York restaurant with a wonderful view of the city.

Wife: Oh my, there's a giant monkey climbing up the Empire State Building.

Husband: Shut up and eat your steak, it cost thirty dollars.

"I'm a douchebag." "And I'm a PC."

Fuck you, Mac guy. Go back to playing the lovable loser in another low-rent comedy. Why would Apple want to portray themselves as a bunch of smarmy pricks? Oh wait, most of the Mac users I know are smarmy pricks. Good call, Apple, good call.

Johnny?? Johnny!!! Noooooooooooo!!!!!

It occurred to me while watching V for Vendetta, which I found to be surprisingly excellent, why doesn't anyone ever try CPR in movies? The "dying in the arms after saying something incredibly dramatic" thing has been done so many times, but why doesn't anyone ever make an effort to keep said dying person alive? A few pumps on the chest, some mouth to mouth, for fuck's sake make an effort!

I Ride the Short Bus to College

I admittedly watch a lot of television that doesn't exactly appeal to the highest common denominator. I can take most of what the teevee spits at me during commercial breaks, be it hilariously deceptive Axe Body Spray ads, that damn Smilin' Bob and his huge schlong, exciting careers in game design (those actually cross the line of so bad its funny), or lawyers wearing funny hats, but oh god I die a little inside every time that Lincoln Tech commercial with the borderline retarded guy comes on.
I can't really figure out who the good folks at Lincoln Tech are trying to draw in. Are they going for sub-humans who see this Corky Clone and think "Hey, he just like me! I can go school too!"
Or are they trying to insult those of normal intelligence yet lacking in drive into thinking "Holy shit! That dumbass went to college and all I've done is spend each day jerking off to Blanche from the Golden Girls!"
They've got this poor bastard delivering lines like "Now I'm a Network Center Tech (or some such horseshit) for one of the largest telecommunication companies in the world" with a dim optimistic expression on his face that makes me suspect they promised him a lollipop if he got it right.
But the kicker is when they show some guy dragging him around the office to show off the sonogram of his short-on-chromosomes seed. I can never figure out why the one lady fawns over it joyfully, rather than recoiling in horror at the realization that this guy is actually breeding. She probably thought he was going to show her a picture of his favorite Cabbage Patch doll.
The other Lincoln Tech commercial with the Opie-looking kid talking about how he made it now that he's a satellite switch operator for locomotives (or some such horseshit) is pretty bad too, but this one makes me cringe. Aren't there laws against taking advantage of the handicapped?

8 First Thoughts Upon Waking Up After A Looooong Night

1. Ow
2. Why is the couch cover all messed up?
3. Why is the laptop cable halfway across the room?
4. What the hell happened to the coffee table?
5. Why does my foot hurt so much?
6. Oh riiiight
7. Shit
8. Ow

Foiled Again!

Goddam NetFlix. I'm sure many subscribers out there know about the recent lack of continuity service-wise. That, or they just enjoy fucking with me personally. You never know anymore what exactly in your queue picks are going to make it out of the digital realm and into your mailbox. My most recent case in point: a little movie called Feed.
Feed first came to my attention while browsing one day when I came across a banner ad for the film on joblo.com. What caught my eye about this particular banner (and if you know me this should be no surprise whatsoever) was the quote from Fangoria magazine stating "The sickest movie I've ever seen." Now hell, I'm never one to resist such a challenge, so I whipped it up on the ol' IMDB. The description read: Plot Outline: A cybercrime investigator tracks a man (O'Loughlin) suspected of force-feeding women to death.
Um, fuck yes I need to see this. My coworker, upon hearing my evil laughter after I read the aforementioned plot synopsis, asked what the hubbub was all about. I relayed it all to him and told him I was all over it...and he flipped the hell out.
So of course I slapped this potentially wonderful work of deviant art right up at the top of my queue and returned the movies I had from the previous week.
And wouldn't you know it, Feed went from "Available Now" to "Long Wait" in the span of 24 hours. So there are other films that I want to see heading to my mailbox on the pony express as I speak. But damn, I am really looking forward to Feed. A full report is soon to follow.

Oh My

Having a blog now is like having a tattoo. All the cool kids got one first and now one would be hard pressed to find someone without one. Well, I had neither, and at least starting a blog is free.