User Manual FAQ for the 1958 Hoover Constellation Vacuum Cleaner

Congratulations! You are now the proud owner of Hoover's finest canister model vacuum. In this section, we present to you a few tips to keep your Constellation running strong as well as answers to common problems that you may experience.

-WARNINGS-
Do not operate Constellation under the influence of alcohol, Laudanum, or "Mother's Little Helpers."
Do not use Constellation to clean spills, leaks, or bodily fluids.
Do not put your penis in the Constellation

Frequently asked questions:

Q. My Constellation looks different than the display model at the store.
A. Remove the Constellation from the box.

Q. My Constellation isn't sucking up dirt.
A. Change the Power Switch to the "On" position.

Q. Where do I put my penis in the Constellation?
A. Do not put your penis in the Constellation.

Q. My Constellation refuses to come when I call it.
A. The constellation is not a sentient being, and therefore cannot come when you call.

Q. I accidentally put my penis in the Constellation, what is all of this red liquid?
A. If you put your penis in the intake port on the base of the unit, then the red liquid is most likely your life blood draining quickly from your severed member.

Q. My Constellation isn't cleaning the red liquid.
A. Do not use Constellation to clean bodily fluids.

Q. Is it normal to feel light-headed and see spots while using the Constellation?
A. You are most likely suffering the effects of massive blood loss. You should seek medical attention immediately.

Q. I took some of my wife's Laudanum for the pain from my severed penis.
A. Do not operate the Constellation under the influence of Laudanum.

Q. My wife is screaming hysterically.
A. Give her some Laudanum, but do not let her operate the Constellation.

If you experience any problems with your Constellation that we did not address in this guide, feel free to contact your nearest authorized Hoover dealer or medical professional for assistance.

Sure signs that you smoke too much

• Your cat coughs more than you do
• You have difficulty drinking through a straw because you keep spitting the liquid back out into the air
• You have lost a foot race to a three year old
• Some dude from Phillip Morris once offered you a blowjob at a party "in thanks for your support"
• Those annoying Truth kids keep asking if they can take pictures of your apartment
• You can spontaneously generate fire from your thumb
• In the mornings, you could record a Tom Waits album without anyone noticing a difference
• You purchased your entire wardrobe with Marlboro Miles
• Your birthday party ground to an awkward halt when you couldn't blow the candles out
• A mysterious figure with a black cloak and a large garden instrument keeps peeking in your windows

Innocent Bystanders to Major Movie Moments, Pt. 2

Scene: A henpecked husband peers through the peephole of his cluttered apartment to investigate a commotion in the hallway.

Wife: (Yelling from another room) Well? What's going on out there?
Husband: There's some guy standing next to a ringing phone in Ms. Henderson's apartment. Whoa! Some other guy with sunglasses just shot him!
Wife: Who shot what?
Husband: Some guys, they look like FBI agents. Now they're leaving.
Wife: FBI? I told you Ms. Henderson's son was no good! Quick! Hide the motel towels!
Husband: Its ok, they're - Whoa! The guy just got back up!
Wife: What guy? Ms. Henderson's son?
Husband: I don't think that's...uh oh those FBI guys are coming back!
Wife: Oh no, they're going to ask about our cable! Quick, unplug it!
Husband: They're shooting at him again!
Wife: Flick the hallway lights on and off! Maybe that will make them stop.
Husband: The bullets just stopped in midair and fell on the floor!
Wife: Someone could fall down!
Husband: Wow! They're fighting really fast now! Holy cow! The guy just kicked the guy who shot him all the way down the hall!
Wife: Why did he do that?
Husband: Maybe he's mad because the guy shot him.
Wife: That's no reason to go kicking people down hallways. I mean, since he's ok and everything.
Husband: The FBI guy sure looks upset.
Wife: Well who wouldn't after getting kicked like that? Do you think we should call someone? Maybe that nice Jack Stone from Channel 7?
Husband: The guy just jumped into the FBI guy's chest!
Wife: He's always looking out for the elderly with the Fraud Busters team. I'll bet he could get that loose carpet fixed before someone breaks their neck.
Husband: The FBI guy exploded! And the other ones ran away!
Wife: Well, that's your tax dollars at work for you. Jack Stone could get to the bottom of it!
Husband: The guy....just.....went into the phone.
Wife: Who's on the phone?
Husband: (visibly shaken) Did you ever get the feeling that the whole world is just an illusion perpetrated by some sinister force that presents a false reality in order to keep us docile and obedient?
Wife: What are you going on about? Come back in the TV room, its almost time for Deal or No Deal.
Husband: Yes dear.

Monday Night Football recap

KATRINA!
KATRINA!
KATRINA!
KATRINA!
KATRINA!
KATRINA!
(reggie bush)
KATRINA!
KATRINA!
KATRINA!
(spike lee is wearing ladies glasses)
KATRINA!
KATRINA!
(U2 is playing again)
KATRINA!
KATRINA!
KATRINA!
KATRINA!
(oh, the saints won)
THIS WAS THE MOST IMPORTANT GAME EVER PLAYED AND YOU WILL REMEMBER IT WHEN YOU ARE 80!!!

Way to keep it classy, NFL.

Its so horrifying, yet I can't look away...

Oh. My. God.
Billie Joe Armstrong...why do you look like the guy from AFI now? What's up with the mascara?!?
You did not just sing "There is a house in New Orleans....and its called the Super Dome."
Oh fuck you really did.
Sweet jeebus, here comes Bono.
You segued some half-assed made up song about Katrina into "Beautiful Day"???????
Yeah that's punk Green Day. You just made Johnny Rotten look cool again. Well, he was probably covering the red carpet for VH1, so nevermind.
Wow.

Little known facts about Bill Gates

• Created from the combined DNA of history's greatest geeks, kind of like Serpentor from G.I. Joe.
• Uses his philanthropy efforts to divert attention away from the greased-up midget fights he holds in his back yard.
• In exchange for allowing him to continue to exist, has Steve Jobs over one weekend a month to wear a French Maid outfit and call him "Master."
• Plays a mean mouth harp.
• Holds the world record for consecutive uses of the phrase "Booya!" under his pseudonym, >~dopekilla187~<.
• Has yet to savagely cornhole Justin Long, but could do so with a snap of his fingers.
• Drinks otter urine to maintain his virility and lightning reflexes.
• Has almost perfected the art of charging you money after you die.
• Knows the pornography habits of every Windows user in the world; one day will use that knowledge to build a super weapon capable of sending the human race into a compulsive masturbation fit and allowing him to step in and take power without opposition.

My new second-favorite phrase!

I fucked my way into this mess and I'll fuck my way out!

Bless you, The Onion, bless you.

My new favorite phrase

"Its written in Braille on my dick."

Bless you Zack Parsons and Dr. David Thorpe, the Fashion Swat on somethingawful.com is one of the most consistently hilarious features ever borne from the tumultuous womb of the internet.

Band names considered by that guy from Sparklehorse

Pansy Brigade
The Limp Wrists
Fagatron
My Little Pony

Know your dope fiend!

A helpful pamphlet from the Department of Moral Aptitude, c. 1967

Greetings, citizen. As everyone knows, it is up to each and every member of our fair land to keep things running smoothly and without dissent. There are some, however, that would like nothing more than to see our clean way of life and fine institution of marriage descend into godless loafing about and loveless promiscuity. These ne'er do wells, be it a jacked up "Hop Head" or a kitten-eating "Tommy Trippers," can be easily recognized and avoided with the following tips and descriptions:

Reefer Ronnies - These addicts, sometimes know as "Groovies" or "Mushmouths," prefer the sickly sour smoke of the dried marijuana plant. They are easily recognized at night due to their glowing red eyes. Reefer Ronnies pose no immediate threat to anyone not carrying food products. Always stay alert when carrying groceries, a gang of Groovies may descend upon you like a pack of wild dogs without warning.
Black Tar Betties - Also called "Blue Bloods" and "Smackies," they spend every waking second in search of their next fix of the dreaded heroin. Identifiable traits include claw marks from withdrawal pains and "sleep creases" from their last "nod out." Betties will steal the fillings from your grandmother's teeth to get what they want. Be sure to secure all valuables and your grandmother in a safe and inaccessible place.
Peter Poppers - "Hop Heads" and "Superfreaks" to those in the know, Poppers often go for days on end without sleep thanks to a steady diet of amphetamines. With eyes that never blink and hypnotizing dance moves, the most harm these speed junkies will ever do is engage you in a long and pointless one-sided conversation.
Tommy Trippers - "Rainbow Runners" or "Snake Riders," these heathens are the most dangerous of all. Constantly seeking to alter their own consciousness as well as the consciousness of those around them through the mind-bending experimental substance known as LSD, they live in a world completely devoid of law or common decency. Trippers are usually heralded by their stench and easily recognizable by their garish costumes. It is impossible to catalogue all of the horrific acts these monsters are capable of. If spotted, every possible action should be taken to immediately relocate your family to a House of God or the nearest bomb shelter.

This information should be a great asset to all of those dedicated to keeping America on the straight and narrow. If you run afoul of any of the fiends that you read about today, you should notify your local law enforcement officer or congressman as soon as possible.

Attention all haX0rz!!!

Someone please hack the mac os, those commercials are getting beyond intolerable. Hit them with every malicious piece of code that will possibly fit up their snarky asses. Please.

The adventures of Rock Gunderson, Private Eye Pt. 2

Mr. Dryer is either as clean as they come or the slickest mofo on the planet. After tailing him for four days I haven't seen a single foible other than his weird habit of repeatedly returning his Starbuck's cup of whatever until he's satisfied. This guy is as asexual as a piece of lint. So what the hell would possibly make the good Mrs. Dryer suspect infidelity? At $250.00 an hour, I could keep this up forever. But, of course, something doesn't feel right. Usually the client is all over my ass, craving for details despite themselves. Mrs. Dryer? Not a word. That long forgotten bad feeling in my gut makes its presence known way too late. That little voice in the back of my head needs a vocal coach.

TBC

The new drinking game of the NFL!

Every time Peyton Manning shows up in a commercial - drink. You will be drunk halfway through the first quarter. Good for weddings and bar mitzvahs.

The adventures of Rock Gunderson, Private Eye Pt. 1

It was one of those mornings where you genuinely hate yourself for all of the horrible things that you've done to your own body. I can't remember the name of the girl snoring loudly next to me and I'm glad that I can't see her face from here. If I can successfully avoid eye contact until I get her out of here, I might retain one small shred of self dignity. The phone rings while I'm taking a piss and I let the machine get it. I can't make out the words, but it doesn't sound like a telemarketer, so I hussle out and pick it up.
"Mr. Gunderson?" Female, sounds refined. "My name is Eva Dryer. I'm sorry to call you at home but your secretary assured me it wouldn't be a problem."
Sheila, that sadistic bitch. I swear her life mission is to make me as miserable as humanly possible. For some reason I've never had the balls to fire her.
"I'm interested in hiring you. Its about my husband." I tell her to meet me at my office in an hour and scribble out a note for the snoring girl explaining that I am dying of cancer and that she should lock up on her way out. I could care less about her stealing anything. I don't really have anything worth stealing anyway.
Thanks to the goddam traffic I barely make it in before Ms. Dryer arrives. She's older but holding up pretty well. Well dressed, lots of jewelry. Interesting.
Its the standard case, she thinks Mr. Dryer is cheating on her and wants me to tail him and find out. Normally I avoid these jobs like the plague. The distraught wife almost always ends up collapsing in your arms and awkwardly initiating some sort of revenge sex, only to start bawling halfway through. Sex and crying never mix.
This one though, I'm tempted. Ms. Dryer seems like she's got a pretty good head on her shoulders. Aw, who am I kidding? She looks rich, and that's all that matters. I take the case and she gives me the details of Mr. Dryer's comings and goings. She pays me a good chunk of change up front and I don't complain. If I can keep this one going for a while I just might get closer to early retirement.
Sheila shows her out and shakes her perfect ass on the way out the door just to torment me. That's probably why I haven't fired her.

TBC

Remember your Please's and Thank you's!

Please stop dancing like that, it makes my soul hurt.
Thank you, I've never had it in the butt before.
Would you please ask the monkey to keep his voice down?
I'm just fine right here on the floor, thank you.
I would like the baby seal omelet with tartar sauce, please.
Yes thank you, I am interested in a subscription to "Hustler For Kids."
Would you take the spoon out of my esophagus if I said please?
Thank you for the lovely NASCAR commemorative plates, they will look perfect on the mantle next to the pictures of our stillborn son.
Please be aware, any number of fluids might fly out of my body without warning.
I would thank you to keep your petrified rhinoceros penis to yourself.
Please just let me die.
Thank you, I do see that I am a doomed sinner now.

The Three Little Pigs by way of Radiohead

>Beeeeyoooweeeeee<
>clickity click click clickity click<
oooooooo
Piggies keep company lonely exclusive
They on the way to the separation
Build your house will it cage the fear
Build your house on kickbacks and circumstance
No blood for straw gotta make it stronger
Tidal wave coming, tie up the children
Better watch out piggy bootstraps on
Better watch out piggy bootstraps on
Hot wind blowing Hot wind blowing
When the roof comes down you come undone
With your chin hairs down you come undone
Pick it up sticks and they crack like bones
A vicious circle, makes the teeth hurt
Better watch out piggy tell no lies
Better watch out piggy tell no lies
When the roof comes down you come undone
With your chin hairs down you come undone
Brick house smiles on failure's footprint
Down goes the king of the washed-out slaughter
Into the pot where the rabbits cry
Better eat up piggy we dine tonight
Better eat up piggy we dine tonight
>clickity click click clickity click<
>bluuuuuuuuuuuuuurm<

Take the "Are you a giant insufferable pussy?" test today!

Are you a giant insufferable pussy?

1. Is your name Zach Braff?

Yes! (+10)

Hell no! (+0)

0 - Congrats! You're not a giant insufferable pussy.
10 - Congrats! You in fact are very much a giant insufferable pussy!

Rejected crossover proposals

Rocky vs. Jason
Lassie vs. Pinhead
Blade vs. Chewbacca
Jackie Brown vs. The Board of Education
Godzilla vs. Santa Claus
Mr. T vs. Spider Man
Austin Powers vs. Candyman
Ash vs. Freddy vs. Leatherface vs. Michael Myers vs. Leprechaun vs. Pumpkinhead vs. Robocop vs. Spy Kids

Other reasons why Janie's Crying

• Still upset that they discontinued Crystal Pepsi
• Steel Magnolias is stuck in the DVD player
• Preparing her famous onion pie
• Solved the daily Sudoku puzzle in the paper only to discover that the number pattern resembled a picture of a dead puppy
• Local KFC ran out of Extra Tasty/Crispy, forced to eat Original Recipe
• Saw homeless man wearing the same dress and looking better in it
• Stubbed her face on the doorjamb
• Agreed to taste test of new Wasabi toothpaste
• Lost hundreds of dollars by switching to Geico
• Diamond Dave gave her teh VD

Even more unlikely things that could have killed the Crocodile Hunter

• Disemboweled by the horn of a playful rhinoceros
• Smothered by an over-protective mother ostrich
• Buggered to death by an amorous silverback gorilla
• Garroted by a jealous electric eel
• Kicked in the head by a startled donkey
• Stung in the willie by a nearsighted platypus - Crikey!

Dear Abby columns deemed unfit for publication

DEAR ABBY:

Before we were married, my wife was the sweetest, most understanding girl a guy could hope for. Now, she's controlling and cruel. She flies into a jealous rage whenever I spend time with anyone but her, yet when I'm with her she acts like she can't stand my company. It seems like I can never do anything right, I'm constantly walking on eggshells. I want my kind, loving, sweetheart back! Please help! ---HENPECKED HUBBY

DEAR HUBBY:

If I had a dime for every namby-pamby whipped husband that wrote in to me instead of actually growing a pair, I'd be retired on a beach in Mexico with several toned young cabana boys at my beck and call. Is this the sad state of the modern male? All right HH, I'm going to tell you what your father should have told you years ago. Beat her. Next time she throws some sass your way, slap that bitch across the mouth, hard. Once you show her who's boss, your shrew will undoubtedly be tamed.

DEAR ABBY:

After 10 years of wonderful marriage to a wonderful husband, our love life seems to have slowed to a crawl. What with our busy schedules and the kids, its hard to find the energy to be intimate anymore. What used to be our nightly lovemaking schedule has turned into nightly falling asleep in front of the tv. I want us to reconnect on a physical level and reclaim the wonderful lust we had as newlyweds. Do you have any advice in getting him "in the mood?" ---LOVE STARVED

DEAR STARVED:

Let me guess, you've put on a few pounds since you got married, right? Things aren't as taught and perky as they once were? My advice: plastic surgery and lots of it. How else do you expect to compete with all of those "late nights" at work with that pretty young secretary? If surgery isn't an option, perhaps you need to go to greater lengths to spice up the bedroom. What about that college student babysitter? A threesome may not grant you the undivided attention you've been craving, but your man will certainly appreciate his newly dirty wife. After that, the road of perversion lasts only as long as your physical and moral limits.

DEAR ABBY:

I am at the end of my rope with our oldest son. He's been dressing different, talking back, his grades have slipped, and he refuses to tell me where he's been or where he is going. I don't know any of his friends, they sulk in and out of our house without even acknowledging me. To top it all off, I found a baggy of what looks like marijuana in his sock drawer last week. I feel like I'm losing my baby boy! Should I put my foot down and be more strict with him, or should I let him have his space and accept that he's becoming an adult? ---WORRIED SICK

DEAR SICK:

I'm sorry but you've already lost him. Haven't you heard that pot is a gateway drug? At this point he's probably giving handjobs at the bus station for money to buy his next fix. Cut your losses, change the locks, and sell all of his possessions. The last thing you want is him and his druggie friends slitting your throat in the middle of the night so they can steal your jewelry and trade it for rocks.


(ed. note - I read a few Dear Abby columns online to research this piece and at the bottom of one there was a little blurb that read:

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

"A more attractive person?" "How to be popular?" Is it me or is that kind of messed up?)

Correspondence replies from celebrities Part 1

Dearest kyliefan4ever11689,

Thank you for your letter and for your enthusiastic support, I am pleased that you enjoy my music. I must admit, however, that I find your interpretation of some of my lyrics a little disturbing. For instance, when I sang "I can't get you out of my head," I meant to express that my thoughts are often occupied with pleasant recollections of the subject of the song. I did not mean to convey any sort of psychotic episode wherein I am deluded with telepathic communications from you personally. Even if this were the case, I don't believe such a bond would mean that we were "born of the same essence and tragically torn apart to wander the Earth in endless suffering, only to be made whole again by blissfully consuming one another until we only exist as a pure entity of love."
Furthermore, while I think you once again missed the point of the "dark secret in me" that I mention in the song, your confession of the dark secret inside of you leads me to believe that you are in need of serious psychiatric care and possible incarceration, just as a precaution. I am almost certain that the proprietors of the petting zoo did not intend for their livestock to be enjoyed in such a fashion.
In closing, I hope you continue to appreciate my music. Please note that I have alerted my personal security staff and the local authorities just in case you decide to make good on your promise to find me and "make sure that I am inside more than just your head."

Best Regards,

Kylie Minogue

Random ass quote from the teevee

"A horse ran into him and he lost the family jewels. That's why he never married."

-Law & Order which ever the hell version

Oh hi, Mr. Opportunity

Tell you what, you goofy cartoon smarmy piece of shit. Next time you knock on my teevee screen, I'll knock your effin' block off. Remember that dip stuff from Who Framed Roger Rabbit? I've got a whole batch bubbling right here, and I will take great pleasure in lowering your annoying ass in it one centimeter at a time for as long as you are able to keep screaming. You have been warned.

Ugggghhhh...

2 hung over
2 post
4 fuck's sake