Know your dope fiend!
A helpful pamphlet from the Department of Moral Aptitude, c. 1967
Greetings, citizen. As everyone knows, it is up to each and every member of our fair land to keep things running smoothly and without dissent. There are some, however, that would like nothing more than to see our clean way of life and fine institution of marriage descend into godless loafing about and loveless promiscuity. These ne'er do wells, be it a jacked up "Hop Head" or a kitten-eating "Tommy Trippers," can be easily recognized and avoided with the following tips and descriptions:
Reefer Ronnies - These addicts, sometimes know as "Groovies" or "Mushmouths," prefer the sickly sour smoke of the dried marijuana plant. They are easily recognized at night due to their glowing red eyes. Reefer Ronnies pose no immediate threat to anyone not carrying food products. Always stay alert when carrying groceries, a gang of Groovies may descend upon you like a pack of wild dogs without warning.
Black Tar Betties - Also called "Blue Bloods" and "Smackies," they spend every waking second in search of their next fix of the dreaded heroin. Identifiable traits include claw marks from withdrawal pains and "sleep creases" from their last "nod out." Betties will steal the fillings from your grandmother's teeth to get what they want. Be sure to secure all valuables and your grandmother in a safe and inaccessible place.
Peter Poppers - "Hop Heads" and "Superfreaks" to those in the know, Poppers often go for days on end without sleep thanks to a steady diet of amphetamines. With eyes that never blink and hypnotizing dance moves, the most harm these speed junkies will ever do is engage you in a long and pointless one-sided conversation.
Tommy Trippers - "Rainbow Runners" or "Snake Riders," these heathens are the most dangerous of all. Constantly seeking to alter their own consciousness as well as the consciousness of those around them through the mind-bending experimental substance known as LSD, they live in a world completely devoid of law or common decency. Trippers are usually heralded by their stench and easily recognizable by their garish costumes. It is impossible to catalogue all of the horrific acts these monsters are capable of. If spotted, every possible action should be taken to immediately relocate your family to a House of God or the nearest bomb shelter.
This information should be a great asset to all of those dedicated to keeping America on the straight and narrow. If you run afoul of any of the fiends that you read about today, you should notify your local law enforcement officer or congressman as soon as possible.
Greetings, citizen. As everyone knows, it is up to each and every member of our fair land to keep things running smoothly and without dissent. There are some, however, that would like nothing more than to see our clean way of life and fine institution of marriage descend into godless loafing about and loveless promiscuity. These ne'er do wells, be it a jacked up "Hop Head" or a kitten-eating "Tommy Trippers," can be easily recognized and avoided with the following tips and descriptions:
Reefer Ronnies - These addicts, sometimes know as "Groovies" or "Mushmouths," prefer the sickly sour smoke of the dried marijuana plant. They are easily recognized at night due to their glowing red eyes. Reefer Ronnies pose no immediate threat to anyone not carrying food products. Always stay alert when carrying groceries, a gang of Groovies may descend upon you like a pack of wild dogs without warning.
Black Tar Betties - Also called "Blue Bloods" and "Smackies," they spend every waking second in search of their next fix of the dreaded heroin. Identifiable traits include claw marks from withdrawal pains and "sleep creases" from their last "nod out." Betties will steal the fillings from your grandmother's teeth to get what they want. Be sure to secure all valuables and your grandmother in a safe and inaccessible place.
Peter Poppers - "Hop Heads" and "Superfreaks" to those in the know, Poppers often go for days on end without sleep thanks to a steady diet of amphetamines. With eyes that never blink and hypnotizing dance moves, the most harm these speed junkies will ever do is engage you in a long and pointless one-sided conversation.
Tommy Trippers - "Rainbow Runners" or "Snake Riders," these heathens are the most dangerous of all. Constantly seeking to alter their own consciousness as well as the consciousness of those around them through the mind-bending experimental substance known as LSD, they live in a world completely devoid of law or common decency. Trippers are usually heralded by their stench and easily recognizable by their garish costumes. It is impossible to catalogue all of the horrific acts these monsters are capable of. If spotted, every possible action should be taken to immediately relocate your family to a House of God or the nearest bomb shelter.
This information should be a great asset to all of those dedicated to keeping America on the straight and narrow. If you run afoul of any of the fiends that you read about today, you should notify your local law enforcement officer or congressman as soon as possible.
posted by B at Tuesday, September 19, 2006
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