Predictions for the 2007 NFL Season

Eli Manning will win the coveted "Good Tryer" award for the third year in a row.

Undrafted free agent quarterback Ron Mexico will come out of nowhere and dazzle fans with his amazing footwork, but draw criticism for his lackluster passing game.

Ray Lewis will stab a bitch.

Brady Quinn will set a single season record for getting sacked, though by his own admission it will be because he really enjoys having a bunch of dudes on top of him.

Tom Brady will impregnate Randy Moss. The child will be named Jesus 2.

After a particularly vicious hit, Jaguars fans will be horrified to see that David Garrard is actually just six midgets in a bear costume.

Joey Harrington will be named league MVP. Of the ladies.

Desperate for attention, Terrell Owens will publicly announce that Tony Romo gave him scabies.

Rex Grossman will be selected by an advanced alien race for display in their intergalactic zoo as the perfect specimen of mankind.

Due to years of shoddy play and declining fan support, the entire NFC will be moved to China and renamed "The People's League of Athletic Competition."

Bored with trouncing mere mortals, Peyton Mannig will lead his Colts in an epic contest against the Football Gods themselves.