Missed Milestones!

In the holiday madness I failed to notice that I have now written more than 100 posts and that the counter has surpassed 1000 hits. So the same three people have read my shameful attempts at being funny 1000 times. Thanks all!



Oh, and to the dude in Korea who keeps ending up here after conducting a web search for "pussy" - there are many, many fine sites out there with content that is probably much more along the lines of what you are looking for. I don't know what kind of restrictions your ISP may have, but if you need any suggestions let me know. I'm always willing to help a brother out.

Taco Bell wants you back

Aww, don't be like that baby! You know Taco Bell would never do anything to hurt you. All that stuff they be hatin' on me about, you know that aint my style. Taco Bell don't send a lady runnin' for no toilet. Taco Bell knows how to treat a lady right. Taco Bell knows how to fill you up real nice.
We had so many good times, baby. You remember when you had too many Sea Breezes at your high school reunion and you ended up throwing up in Taco Bell's parking lot at 1am? Taco Bell was there for you, baby, Taco Bell gave you what you needed. Two burrito supremes and some cinnamon twists fixed you up right.
Look in your heart baby, you know Taco Bell is right. Come on back and Taco Bell will satisfy you like you aint never been satisfied before. Taco Bell promises, and Taco Bell's word is bond.

Adoption Tips

Thinking of adding a (slightly used) bundle of joy to the family? Follow these simple tips and your adopted child will enjoy a happy life with his new family. Until he finds out he was adopted.

• All orphans have an expiration date printed behind their right ear. Always choose the freshest youngster you can find!
• Be sure to carefully examine your prospective adopted child for any damage, missing limbs, or excess Chinese-ness.
• On your adoption application, don't worry about listing any offenses aside from violent felonies. They don't really check and it just wastes space.
• Save your receipt! Most agencies allow you to return a child within 90 days of adoption in case they don't save your marriage like you hoped they would.
• Adjusting to life in a new home can be difficult. Fill your child's bedroom with the pimps and drug addicts that she is accustomed to from her previous home.
• Do not tell your biological children that you adopted the new child because you don't love them anymore. This will cause a great deal of resentment and possible gladiator-style duels to the death, which while entertaining, could lead to costly medical bills.
• Aside from the unconditional love and companionship, adopting a child is a lot like getting a dog. So if that's what you were looking for, you should probably go with the dog.
• Adopting for tax purposes is unethical. Claiming your adopted child as an 85 year-old war veteran invalid dependent who attends college is perfectly acceptable.
• You can't make your new child love you, but you can manipulate her into developing an eating disorder.
• An orphan's given name is just a suggestion. If you've always wanted a son named Hotshit McAwesome then by god you go ahead and name him that.
• Remember: One day your adopted child will be physically and mentally strong enough to kill you. Try to take this into consideration as your relationship develops.

Letters to Santa

Dear Santa,

All I want for Christmas this year is my little brother Timmy to be alive so Mommy will stop crying and be happy. She keeps the picture of him dressed in a sailor suit and flying to heaven with Jesus by her bed and doesn't come out of her room all day even when I want grilled cheese. So if you can make him live again that would be nice, and maybe make him bigger too because in the picture he is very little and funny looking and I wouldn't want the other kids to pick on him. If you want to put my big sister Jenna in Heaven so that Timmy can come back that is ok because she is mean. Thank you Santa.

James, age 8


Dear Santa,

You think that shit last year was funny? I was very specific and clear with what I wanted. Real Doll model XG2185 with the black hair and three speed vibrating vagina upgrade. And what did I get? A sweater and a subscription to Sports Illustrated? Har dee fucking har. Mom tried to cover up for you like she does every year, saying you don't exist and that she is the one who has to spend her entire welfare check to buy presents for me. Sorry, but I'm not buying it. I've been writing to you for 33 years, fat man, and you haven't come through since that bike you brought me when I was 12. No more screwing around. I made my own Real Doll with mannequin parts that I took from work when no one was looking, but now I broke my Fleshlight when I tried to cram it into the pussy hole I drilled in "Gia." So please bring me a new Fleshlight, along with the anus attachment, because I've made it so that Gia can take it in both places. Oh, and I think I deserve a renewal to the Sports Illustrated subscription, in case I want to look at the swimsuit edition if I get tired of Gia's face. This is the year Claus, I fully expect my Fleshlight under the tree. In a plain box please, some discretion would be appreciated.

Tony, age 37


Dear Santa,

This year it would be adequate if you made Paris be friends with me again. I know she doesn't mean to be such a bitch and I would be happy to be one of the girls once more. Also, maybe you could make my "hair down there" a different color so everyone will stop calling me firecrotch. I've had to wear underwear like every day since that started! Oh, and if they haven't already asked, please send Mary Kate and Ashley a nice basket of fruit or something. Those cunts are so sweet and I want them to be healthy. I know you will do it if I ask. Be adequate Santa.

Lindsay, age 20

Forgotten alternate titles to Hollywood classics

A Big Monkey Named Kong

Bogie vs. Nazis

That Guy Sure Misses His Sled!

Singin' In the Hail

Twelve Uppity Men

The Movie Where Someone Says Damn!

The Fairly Dishonest Dozen

Ernest Goes to Washington

Holiday Safety Tips

The Holidays can be a time of great joy and love, but an untimely accident could turn them into a tragedy-filled nightmare of shame and horror. Follow these simple tips to be sure that you and yours have a safe and happy season.

• Make sure that your children use seat protectors when sitting on the mall Santa's lap. You don't know where that lap has been and you probably don't want to know.
• While flaming crosses on the lawn may look nice and festive, your neighbors might take offense and retaliate in some fashion.
• Avoid the temptation to spike the eggnog with PCP at the company Christmas party. Any one of your coworkers could be a ticking timebomb just waiting for the right chemical trigger to set off their killing spree.
• Do not fire your rifle into the air 25 times at midnight on Christmas Eve to celebrate the birth of Christ. Christ was born at 3:37 am Eastern Standard Time, save your shots until then.
• Using Christmas lights as anal beads could result in severe burns and possible electrocution.
• Be wary of any escort service that advertises a 50% off Christmas special. That's usually just an excuse to dump off one of their midgets.
• Do not allow children to play with their newly made dreidels without supervision. Dreidel-related injuries accounted for 79,613 blind Jewish children last year.
• The nine candles of the Menorah do not represent the "number of times you banged Gary's wife last night." Claiming so may result in a broken nose or loss of teeth.
• Candy canes may seem like a touching gift for an incarcerated loved one, but his cellmate can turn one into a serviceable shiv with just a few licks.
• Be sure that your roof is clear of all obstacles and ice patches. That Santa Claus is one litigious mother fucker.

Dr. Suess in da 'Hood

Hop on Cop

Horton Smacks a Ho

Chicken-Head Mayzie

The Cat in the Do-rag

Collard Greens and Ham

How the Grinch Stole Kwanzaa

One Gat Two Gat Red Blood Blue Crip

The Sneetches With Rocks in They Grillz

Marvin K. Mooney You Best Step Off!

The Motha Fuckin' Cat in the Mutha Fuckin' Do-Rag Comes Back

Adventures in IM!

sweetpea23> what up?
justin4eva> n/m u?
sweetpea23> same
justin4eva> r u going to tommys party?
sweetpea23> i think that got canlced
justin4eva> how cum?
sweetpea23> do you know how to get blood out of carpet?
justin4eva> what?
sweetpea23> like blood stains
justin4eva> um
justin4eva> i think maybe club soda
sweetpea23> oh ok thanks
justin4eva> what hapened to the party?
sweetpea23> i dont think tommy is up for it anymore
justin4eva> is he sick
sweetpea23> not exactly
sweetpea23> is it true that bones wont burn in a fireplace?
justin4eva> wtf?
sweetpea23> like, its not hot enough to get rid of them
justin4eva> dunno....why?
sweetpea23> nvrmind, found the bleach
justin4eva> bleach?
sweetpea23> hope my little brother doesnt need the bathtub for a few days
justin4eva> im confused
sweetpea23> its nothing
sweetpea23> do u think james will ask you to prom?
justin4eva> um...i kinda want steve to ask. is tommy getting a limo?
sweetpea23> no
justin4eva> his moms car then?
sweetpea23> im not going to see tommy anymore
justin4eva> ??? what happened?
sweetpea23> we just kinda grew apart. and he left and said no one was ever gonna see him again.
justin4eva> what?!? where did he go?
sweetpea23> dunno, we shouldnt talk about him anymore
sweetpea23> just forget about him
justin4eva> i cant believe you are being so calm about this
sweetpea23> its no big deal. does your dad have tools?
justin4eva> um, I think
sweetpea23> I need to borrow a hacksaw for a school project
justin4eva> ok, u want to come over?
sweetpea23> sure I....crap there's a cop at the door
justin4eva> a cop?
sweetpea23> yeah, listen I'll probably see you in history tomorow
justin4eva> k
sweetpea23> if not dont watch the news
justin4eva> why not?
sweetpea23> no reason, gotta go
justin4eva> ok...
sweetpea23 has signed off

Personality Profile Exam for NecroDyne Defense Systems, Inc.

Greetings applicant! The following 10-question exam will help us to determine if you have what it takes to join the NecroDyne Defense Systems weapons development division. Please answer each question truthfully and calculate your score when you have finished.

1. Charles Manson was:
a) A vicious psychopath that should rightfully spend the rest of his life behind bars
b) That kid who sat behind me in Algebra, I think
c) What I named every pet I've ever owned

2. Sadness is to crying as Happiness is to:
a) Laughing
b) Doing my taxes
c) Dead babies

3. My ideal vacation getaway is:
a) The beach
b) Jury Duty
c) That pit I dug out back and covered with plywood

4. You find a wallet on the street with $50.00 in cash and the owner's name and address clearly printed on the inside. You:
a) Immediately return the wallet and the cash to its rightful owner
b) Post a "Found" poster with a smudged telephone number on a single lamp post on the other side of town and wait three days before spending the cash
c) Burn the wallet and hide in your pit for two weeks just in case "they" wanted you to find it

5. Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall. Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
a) All the king's horses and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty together again
b) Humpty Dumpty filed a lawsuit agains the builders of the wall for failing to provide adequate safety railings
c) Die Egg Motherfucker!!!

6. The average male human body consists of about 60%:
a) Water
b) Valuable minerals and organs
c) Lies

7. Fill in the blank - "Every day in every way I am getting _"
a) Better and better
b) A compounded 5% return on my IRA
c) Closer to losing my mind

8. Sometimes I feel like hitting someone:
a) Never
b) If no one is looking
c) Purple

9. My greatest fear is:
a) Death
b) A Democrat-controlled Senate
c) Peace on Earth

10. True or False: Money is the root of all evil.
a) True
b) False
c) No, I am

For each question answered a), give yourself 10 points.
For each question answered b), give yourself 20 points.
For each question answered c), give yourself 30 points.

Results:

10-100 points - We're sorry, but we must reject your application at this time. The gentlemen in the corner will escort you to the "Happy Room" for memory adjustment.
110-200 points - You may not be suited for work in our weapons development division, but there are a number of positions in our legal department that you may be interested in.
210 - 300 points - Congratulations! You are exactly the type of applicant that we are looking for! Please report to sub basement 3-Q for fingerprint erasure and corporate programming. Welcome to the NecroDyne family!

Reality TV Schedule for Fall 2086

Survivor: Detroit

So You Think You Can Whittle?

Fellatio With the Stars

The Real World: Ursa Minor 7

Who Wants to Marry an Android?

Geraldo-3 Uncovers the Secrets of Shatner's Vault

When Midgets Attack

The Mole (People)

Temptation Asteroid

Behind The Music: Frances Bean Cobain-Lennon-Jackson-Osborne-Yankovic

America's Funniest Venereal Diseases

I Love Scabies

And the winner of the "Spend a week with a blogger" contest is.....

.....the lovely captface! As the lucky winner, you get to enjoy a full week of me loafing about on your couch! Eating your food! Playing with your dog! Congratulations!

(And for the other person who reads this blog regularly, there probably won't be any new updates until the week of the 11th.)