Notable Science Fiction Gaffes, Part 4

Van Helsing

Though not technically a sci fi film, this one definitely deserves mention.

The Hype: A loving homage to classic movie monsters, the movie featured Dracula, Frankenstein, Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde, and the Wolf.....uh some Werewolves against the legendary monster hunter Gabriel Van Helsing.

What Went Wrong: It appears that the studio gave director Stephen Sommers a little too much creative control, an affliction now know as "Lucas Syndrome." While The Mummy benefited from a tongue-in-cheek tone, Van Helsing was all over the place. His blinding love of the source material may have been why Sommers couldn't quite pull this one off. And why the hell did he make Frankenstein such a little bitch?


While these examples are hardly conclusive, I'm tired of writing this piece. The point remains, however, for every Serenity we get a kid friendly new Star Wars trilogy. That one still smarts.

Notable Science Fiction Gaffes, Part 3

Stargate

The Hype: With the gratuitous use of then-new and exciting CG effects, an interesting mix of aliens and ancient Egypt, and Kurt "Badass" Russell, it certainly looked cool...

What Went Wrong? ...except it really wasn't. I remember walking out of the theater very disappointed, and I haven't looked back since. It was just kind of lame, and somehow it spawned 2 television series that evidently refuse to die. Obviously somebody liked it, but I can't imagine who. Probably the same people who kept that stupid show Sliders on the air for as long as it was.

Notable Science Fiction Gaffes Part 2

The Matrix Trilogy

The Hype: Oh my god! The Matrix was freakin awesome! Coolest movie ever! What? There are going to be two more movies? Oh my god! I can hardly wait!!!!

What Went Wrong? Yeah yeah, at this point piling on the Matrix is like kicking a dead horse, but such a colossal let down cannot go without mention. It started as an uneasy feeling in the pit of your stomach that only got worse as you watched The Matrix Reloaded, and by the time the movie was over you had a full-on migraine coupled with a shocked sense of betrayal that The Matrix Revolutions couldn't possibly have cured, no matter how many cool robot suits with machine guns it had. Sure, each movie had some good bits, but it was ultimately a goddamed convoluted overreaching letdown. It was somewhat well documented that Larry Wachowski, one half of the directing Wachowski brothers, started to pretty much lose his mind during production of the final two films. It is somewhat disconcerting to see 50 percent of the creative force behind a franchise you have a lot of hope invested in flitting about town dressed as a woman and fraternizing with a well-known Dominatrix. (Not that there is anything wrong with that) Admittedly, the brothers did a great job with V for Vendetta, so the stumble was hopefully only minor. It just happened to come at the worst possible time, screwing up a franchise that could have been among the elite. The Animatrix, on the other hand, was quite good. It serves as a tease of how great things could have been.

Notable Science Fiction Gaffes, Part 1

Over the next several posts, we will look at those ambitious Science Fiction movies that didn't quite make the grade. Perhaps by analyzing these embarrassing failures, we can pinpoint exactly why they didn't work, so that future generations of movie goers can avoid being suckered in by similar dismal efforts.



The Chronicles of Riddick

The Hype: The sequel to an independent movie with a decent cult fan base, this epic sci fi tale was supposed to be the first part in a planned trilogy starring then action "star" Vin Diesel. As the titular galactic ne'er do well with the freaky eyes, Diesel was to badass his way through a dark army intent on conquering the universe while learning about his own mysterious origins.

What Went Wrong? Who can pinpoint any one thing? Was it the plodding pace of the movie? The stilted acting? The lackluster CG effects? The confusing mythologies and histories all crammed together in clunky bits of exposition? Certainly all of these factors lent a hand, but I'm pretty sure the biggest offender was dialog like "I haven't smelled beautiful in a long time." (Referring of course to a woman that Riddick happened to be smelling. He wasn't remarking on his own pleasant odor.)

More to come in the days ahead. If anyone has any of their own examples, by all means toss 'em out there.

Places to visit after Funkytown

Bootyburgh

Cokeville

Sexuallyambiguoustown

New Daterapeington

Herpes City

Taxevasion Beach

Poundmeintheass Acres

Suicide Cove

Fun Educational Toys for Kids!

Baby's First Autopsy

The Grow Your Own Marijuana at Home Kit!

Junior CSI: The Fishbowl

Let's Fix Daddy's Spine So We Can Eat Again

Power it With Plutonium!

Timmy McGee's Chemotherapy Fun Box

What's Inside the Cat?

The Feces Detective Set

40-in-1 Alchemy Experiments for Tots

Rainy Day Nazi Code Buster Puzzles

:-(

This is what my knee looks like. And right now all of it hurts.

Ow ow ow

Future WWE Story Lines

After his controversial "death" in June of 2007, Vince McMahon is "resurrected" and regains his place as the Chairman of the WWE with a new air of divine authority. McMahon demands that underlings begin to refer to him as "HE."

Stephanie McMahon, although it has already been established that she is far from a virgin, becomes "miraculously" impregnated without the touch of a man. Vince McMahon spurns his son and heir, Shane McMahon, by proclaiming this new miracle baby to be his true worthy successor.

Shane McMahon, devastated by the abandonment of his father, begins wrestling with a mask under the name "The Comeback Kid" to prove his worth. By sheer emotion and determination, Shane fights his way to the very top of the WWE ladder over a period of nine months.

Having already declared himself "WWE Champion for Life," Vince McMahon prepares to take on the new challenger for the title, unaware that he will be competing with his own son.

After an epic two-hour brutal Steel Cage match, Vince McMahon finally stands over the near-lifeless body of The Comeback Kid. McMahon unmasks his defeated opponent in a final act of dominance, only to be horrified to see what he has done to his son. Shane dies shortly after giving a heart-wrenching speech about never being good enough to please his father.

In the midst of this devastating development, Stephanie gives birth to the miracle baby at the stroke of midnight during a full moon. The delivery is so difficult that it saps every ounce of strength that Stephanie has, and she passes away shortly after the birthing. Vince McMahon is left to raise the child, a task that he takes to heart after losing Shane. He names the baby Vincent Kennedy McMahon, III.

As Vince grows older and weaker, his grandson and heir becomes powerful, both physically and financially. The boy exudes his grandfather's cruelty and business sense, often surpassing both. His wrestling skills are sharp enough to hold his own against some of the biggest players in the game.

Finally, on the night Vince III's 21st birthday, he murders his grandfather without remorse. Although the Chairman's death is viewed with an endless amount suspicion, the case is never solved. Vince III takes over the WWE, his first act declaring himself champion for life. The new era begins.

Also, there are lots of pillow fights and lingerie contests with the WWE Divas. And Jim Ross gets fired and reinstated 17 times.

Lesser Known Celebrity Religions

Despite increasing controversy and suspicion, Scientology has become one of Hollywood's most prevalent and powerful faiths. Before its rise in popularity, however, several other left-field religions tried to secure a foothold among the Tinsel town elite:

Dudeaism - Started by surfers on the sunny coasts of California, Dudeaism preached the ideas of "chilling out" and "taking it easy, bro." Certain ceremonial herbs were often consumed during relaxation and bonding rituals. Early adopters included Keanu Reeves and Pauly Shore.

Fabulanity - Favored by Hollywood's "it" girls, Fabulanity was almost the exact antithesis of Buddhism. Rather than reducing suffering by eliminating possessions and distractions, the purpose of Fabulanity was to increase divinity by accumulation of wealth and possessions. Levels of spiritual hierarchy tended to be measured by the number of rooms in one's mansion.

Shatnerology - This faith was also created by a science fiction writer, albeit one of considerably less talent. Shatnerology had a rich and complicated history, additional pieces of which were revealed as members paid to "advance their training." Senior members were treated to the full story of the creation of the universe, including the heroic Jesus-like figure "Kirk," his magic vessel "Enterprise," and the evil and corrupt "Klingons." Shatnerologists believe that certain human beings contain crucial pieces of Kirk's body and soul, after he was disincorporated and imprisoned by the ruthless traitor, "Khan." Those special persons, after paying to reach full enlightenment, will one day come together to reform the mighty Kirk and defeat the causes of all pain and suffering in the universe. This miracle has thus far been slow going, as there are only two registered members, the highest raking of which is unable to continue until he pays off his parents for the semester he spent at community college.

Popular Spin-offs to the game "Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego?"

"Where in My Colon is Last Night's Filet Mignon?"

"Where in the God Damn Christ is My Motherfucking Cock-Sucking Methadone?"

"Where in Hell is Jerry Falwell?"

"Where in Pensacola, Florida is Herman Jones?"

"Where in God's Holy Name Did I Leave the Baby?"

"Where in Carmen Sandiego is the Baggie Full of Blow?"

The Extended Rules of Fight Club

The 12th rule of Fight Club is: no wedgies.

The 17th rule of Fight Club is: conversations with and/or altercations between myself will go on for as long as they have to.

The 21st rule of Fight Club is: Indian burns are legal, but frowned upon.

The 24th rule of Fight Club is: homoeroticism should be kept to a minimum, if possible.

The 28th rule of Fight Club is: no girls allowed!

The 32nd rule of Fight Club is: he who smelt it, dealt it.

The 35th rule of Fight Club is: take a goddam shower before you show up, please.

The 39th rule of Fight Club is: salad fork on the left, dinner fork on the right.

The 43rd rule of Fight Club is: if this is your first time at Fight Club, please give your hat and t-shirt size to Mickey.

Missed Celebrity Endorsement Opportunities

Just as Terry "Hulk" Hogan missed out on a fortune by passing on what would become the George Foreman Grill, other celebrities have similarly made mistakes by choosing not to endorse products that went on to great success. Here are some of the original plans for products we all know and love today:

Bronson Pinchot Presents: "30 Minute Abs!"

The Courtney Love "Be Sure" Home HIV Test

Celine Dion's Bunch o' Nuts

Toyota Prius, The David Hasselhoff Signature Edition

The Paris Hilton Line Lady Gillette

Body by Dustin Diamond

Make Money the 50 Cent Way!

Lindsay Lohan's 18-Hour Brassiere

Revlon's Billie Joe Armstrong Mascara for Men

Leaked Wii Controls for Manhunt 2

Dubbed by some as a "murder simulator," the sequel to Rockstar Games' controversial title Manhunt is about to be released on a number of platforms, including Nintendo's uniquely controlled Wii console. A number of the specialized controls for the Wii version of the game have just been leaked, see for yourself if Rockstar has gone too far.

Curb Stomp - To pull off this brutal maneuver, the player aligns the victim's jaw on the curb with the thumbstick on the Nunchuk. Then, with the Wiimote positioned by the player's foot, a violent stomping motion will split the victim's skull in half for an extra carnage bonus.

Ball Gag - Only available with a bladed weapon, the first step in this maneuver is a downward slashing movement with the Wiimote, severing the victim's manhood from his body. A quick mini game then begins, tapping the A and B buttons repeatedly will force the severed nether bits into the victims mouth and choke him to death.

Skull Poke - The player thrusts both the Wiimote and the Nunchuk forward sharply to gouge out the eyes of the victim. With the Wiimote at groin level, the player can then "poke" the victim's empty eye sockets until satisfied. This maneuver also earns the player a health bonus.

Batter Up - Available with any club weapon, this move is identical to the baseball controls in Wii Sports. Just line up with the victim's head and swing for the fences! Points awarded are based on distance achieved.

The Babysitter - This maneuver works best on the newly introduced midget gang that appears in the game. Just grab the little guys by bringing the Wiimote and Nunchuk together and shake them until the screaming stops.

These are but a few of the brutal ways to exterminate your prey that Rockstar has planned for this grisly sequel. Parental watchdog groups and self-promoting politicians are sure to be in an uproar when the game is released to the general public. Get your copy before it's banned in every state but Texas!

The Sopranos Finale - The Biggest Dick Move in Television History?

(Spoilers ahoy, obviously)

To quote Bart Simpson: "You know what would have been better than nothing? ANYTHING!"

Yeah yeah, I get what they were trying to do. And on the two main theories regarding what happened after the abrupt cut to black, I'm leaning on the "Tony got killed" side.

That being said, I really do think it could have been handled a bit better. Why set up such a textured scene of almost unbearable tension only to cop out like that? Sure, it has generated a ridiculous amount of buzz and speculation, but not exactly in a positive fashion. It almost seems like it was done just to mess with us.

I don't believe it's simply a set up for a future movie, that would just be too nakedly crass. I doubt David Chase is ever going to hint one way or the other about what he intended the audience to infer from the final scene. I'm sad to see it go, and it feels so hollow the way it went.

To quote a talkback poster on aintitcool.com - "When millions of people suddenly wonder who sat on the remote, you have failed."

I concur.

Possible Interpretations of the London 2012 Olympics Logo

Lisa Simpson giving head

A nun kneeling in prayer before a priest

A nun giving head

Paris Hilton fixing a flat tire

Paris Hilton giving head

An old lady with a walker banging her head on a kitchen cabinet

An old lady giving head

A cheerleader shaking her pom-poms

A cheerleader giving head

The sun rising over a beautiful mountain scene

The sun giving head

Going WAY too far with the lolcats meme 3

lolmaggots

Going WAY too far with the lolcats meme 2

lolmanson

Going WAY too far with the lolcats meme 1

lolcolonoscopy

Going too far with the lolcats meme

lolcolonoscopies

lolnudegrandmas

lolcrimescenes

lolkiddiepr0n

lolsuicidenotes

lolreconstructivesurgery

lolmaggots

loltumors

lolcharliemanson

lolholocaust

Messages on a bathroom wall

"For a mildly disappointing time, call Arnold."

"Mincing Maids cleaning service. Will do windows, anal."

"Lost: two heroin suppositories. If found, please contact Mark Renton."

"Stalin is a fag."

"Your mother ducks Spock in hell."

"Me: double amputee with a glass eye, scabies, and a lot of love to give. You: anything with an orifice. Meet here 07/13/07 at 1 am for a beautiful connection."