User Manual FAQ for the 1958 Hoover Constellation Vacuum Cleaner
Do not operate Constellation under the influence of alcohol, Laudanum, or "Mother's Little Helpers."
Do not use Constellation to clean spills, leaks, or bodily fluids.
Do not put your penis in the Constellation
Frequently asked questions:
Q. My Constellation looks different than the display model at the store.
A. Remove the Constellation from the box.
Q. My Constellation isn't sucking up dirt.
A. Change the Power Switch to the "On" position.
Q. Where do I put my penis in the Constellation?
A. Do not put your penis in the Constellation.
Q. My Constellation refuses to come when I call it.
A. The constellation is not a sentient being, and therefore cannot come when you call.
Q. I accidentally put my penis in the Constellation, what is all of this red liquid?
A. If you put your penis in the intake port on the base of the unit, then the red liquid is most likely your life blood draining quickly from your severed member.
Q. My Constellation isn't cleaning the red liquid.
A. Do not use Constellation to clean bodily fluids.
Q. Is it normal to feel light-headed and see spots while using the Constellation?
A. You are most likely suffering the effects of massive blood loss. You should seek medical attention immediately.
Q. I took some of my wife's Laudanum for the pain from my severed penis.
A. Do not operate the Constellation under the influence of Laudanum.
Q. My wife is screaming hysterically.
A. Give her some Laudanum, but do not let her operate the Constellation.
If you experience any problems with your Constellation that we did not address in this guide, feel free to contact your nearest authorized Hoover dealer or medical professional for assistance.